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Which communities of UPenn interest you, and how will you contribute to them


HelpPls 5 / 23  
Nov 23, 2009   #1
Which of the academic communities and social communities that now comprise the University of Pennsylvania are most interesting to you and how will you contribute to them and to the larger Penn community?

Tick tock, tick tock, the clock counted down the leftover seconds I had to finish the exam.
"Time! Put your pencils down and we'll come around to pick up your tests," cried out the proctors as they approached us.

Finally, the long-anticipated test was over, I had never felt so relieved before. After spending two months of my summer reading a variety of college-level books on Roman history, I traveled a thousand miles to Ohio to participate in the 2008 National Junior Classical League Convention. The efforts and the time have not been thrown away in vain. Later that week, as I sat nervously at the award ceremony, a piercing voice shouted out "Fifth place goes to Jacky Wu from Utah!" It's at that instant I first realized that I wanted to devote my life to history.

After explaining my desired future career to my relatives, my uncle-one of the few family members I look up to-offered me a priceless piece of advice. "If you want to major in history, I suggest you attend University of Pennsylvania. With a high numbers of prestigious and innovative faculties, its school of arts & sciences is among the best colleges in the world. In addition, it also has a large array of history courses from African American history 1876-present to the history of the Zionist debates." Ever since then, I viewed University of Pennsylvania's school of arts & sciences as the next stage of my life, the stage where I would reach the peak of my education and shine.

Browsing through the list of outstanding alumni, I caught sight of numerous distinguished names of individuals who contributed to their community in their own unique ways. Like Nobel Prize laureates George E. Smith and Irwin Rose, I hope to bestow what I have profited from this college to the larger society. I will utilize the results from my historical research to aid mankind in a better understanding of the past so that we can foresee the future and prevent the past catastrophes from happening in the present or in the near future.

Tick tock, Tick tock, the clock stroke a familiar sound. This time it was sharply reminding me of the time I have left to make the next smiting chess move.

"Checkmate!" I shouted, not able to believe my luck or to control my excitement.
"Excellent game Jacky," Coach Anderson commented, "I believe you just reached 3rd place in Milford High's chess team!"
I have been an avid player of chess since third grade. Some considered me unusual for replacing video games with chess for recreation, but I truly enjoyed the thought-provoking environment engendered while playing this ancient Indian board game. Not only can I develop my logical thinking and exercise my mind in this competitive sport, but at the same time, I can also have fun. While playing, I felt like I'm an artist; my imagination and creativity ran wild with all the different possible arrangements I can accomplish. When learning that University of Pennsylvania has a chess club, I was elated. I couldn't wait to show other chess enthusiasts from around the nation this new move I figured out on my own!

If I am accepted to this university, I plan to try to promote this interacting and salubrious Olympic sport by informing others of the health benefits gained from playing this combative activity for the mind, and hopefully, I am capable of bringing in new members interested in this prosperous organization.
robkim320 2 / 2  
Nov 23, 2009   #2
umm. you have a lot of tense shift throughout the essay.

Tick tock, tick tock, the clock counted down the leftover seconds I had to finish the exam.
"Time! Put your pencils down and we'll come around to pick up your tests," cried out the proctors as they approached us.

Finally, the long-anticipated test was over, I had never felt so relieved before. and so on....

I like how you opened your essay! It is very creative and will make readers interested.
and It clearly show how you got to know about Upenn and why you wanna go. I love it!
OP HelpPls 5 / 23  
Nov 28, 2009   #3
I think I corrected all the tense shifts. Please remove my original draft to accommodate this new draft.
OP HelpPls 5 / 23  
Dec 17, 2009   #4
I entirely changed my first half of the essay and parts of the second half.
This should be my final draft.


(The first couple paragraphs are so personal that I would not like to share)

... Another aspect of the SEAS that attracted me is its Engineering Entrepreneurship program. I believe this program will turn my dreams into realities by preparing me to be a successful member of the business world.

Like Nobel Prize laureates George E. Smith and Harald zur Hausen, I hope to bestow what I have profited from University of Pennsylvania to the world. I will utilize the results from my engineering research to help humanities by acquiring practical solutions to arduous and troublesome problems in society.

A good engineer must possess excellent creative problem-solving abilities. One enjoyable way to develop and improve this skill is by playing the competitive sport of chess. I have been an avid player since third grade. Some considered me unusual for replacing video games with chess for recreation, but I truly enjoyed the thought-provoking environment created while playing this ancient Indian board game. Not only could I develop my logical thinking and exercise my mind, but at the same time, I could also have fun. While playing, I felt like I'm an artist; my imagination and creativity ran wild with all the different possible arrangements I can accomplish. When learning that University of Pennsylvania has a chess club, I was elated. I couldn't wait to show other chess enthusiasts this new strategy I figured out on my own.

In the future, I plan to promote this interacting and salubrious Olympic sport by informing others of the health benefits as well as skills gained from playing this combative activity for the mind. Hopefully, I am capable of bringing in new members interested in this prosperous organization.

An engineer and a chess player have many characteristics in common. They both have numerous intellectual abilities, detail-oriented abilities, and sharp analytical aptitudes. Possessing all these qualities, I am the ideal candidate for the University of Pennsylvania SEAS and the chess club.
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Dec 19, 2009   #5
Finally, the long-anticipated test was over; I had never felt so relieved. before.

"Checkmate!" I shouted, not able to believe my luck or to control my excitement.---> cool!! It is impressive that you are good at chess. This is a good choice.

An engineer and a chess player have many characteristics in common; they both have numerous...
Ivy_Equestrian 13 / 55  
Dec 19, 2009   #6
"this salubrious and interactive Olympic sport..."

Also, I'm pretty sure chess isn't an Olympic sport.
Other than that, it's pretty good, and certainly shows a high level of interest!


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