Wanting to do something meaningful with my spare time, I asked my mother to help find a place to volunteer at. When my mother suggested I work at the community clinic, I was reluctant. I don't like hospitals; the combined smell of medicine and strong anticeptic was unappealing to me.
I was astonished at the size of the clinic. I did not realized how small it was as I'd never been inside it. My first day at work was a little slow. My job was to help the National Health Service Personnel register new people with the health scheme and renew expired card. Gradually things started speeding up.
Most of the people who came to be registered were either illiterate or half-literate. It was very sad to see girls my age who didn't know exactly how old they were or how to spell their names. To add more fuel to this fire, a lot of girls who weren't even eighteen years old because they were pregnant and did not have money for pre and post natal care as it was very cheap for pregnant women to register to get free health care. I started to really appreciate the little things like my education and responsible parents that I'd taken for granted and deemed myself entitled to.
Thereof, I'm grateful for everything that I have and I try not to complain about what I don't have.
-Rolanda Azeem
I have never liked hospitals; the combined smell of medicine and strong antis eptic has alwaysbeen unappealing to me.
My first day at work was a little slow. My job was to help the National Health Service Personnel register new people with the health scheme and renew expired cards .
That is just some grammatical errors I saw. Also, add a little bit more on what you learned. How did it change you, really? You mentioned how you are grateful for your education and your parents, but that really doesn't tell what you gained from this experience. A love for helping people? An interest for the medical world? Something that has benefitted you even up to this day.
Your essay kinda sets off on a weird start, not necessarily wrong or hard to follow, but just a little off, how about:
"I have never liked hospitals; the combined
smell of medicine and strong antiseptics had never been appealing to me, but the community clinic was where I had chosen to relinquish my spare time, while doing something meaningful- so stay, I would!"
"I was astonished BY the size of the clinic"
"To
add more fuel to THE fire"
-is this the best comparison though?
"a lot of girls who
weren't even eighteen years old because they
were pregnant and did not have money for pre
and post natal care as it was very cheap for
pregnant women to register to get free health
care"
- this sentence doesn't make sense, sounds like you saying the girls aren't eighteen because they fell pregnant? Break it down into two shorter sentences if you have necessary.
You have a great topic! And therefore, a huge potential to really create a memorable essay, however, you've gone about it quite lightly.
For example your last line sound like you ran out of things to say, and so you just closed the essay with the first thing that came to mind.
Show a little more enthusiasm and passion about this-life changing?-experience at a clinic of a struggling community.
Show exactly how excited you got to be able to go to work and touch the lives of many people with work that wasn't at all extraordinary, or instead of discussing the girls pregnancy in a few lines, describe exactly how dire the situation is AND how that impacted you!
Ps: do work on your vocabulary, particularly if you applying to the top schools.
. I did not realized
... wrong grammar - "I did not realize " is the right form
Wanting to do something meaningful with my spare time, I asked my mother to help find a place to volunteer at. When my mother suggested I work at the community clinic, I was reluctant. I don't like hospitals; the combined smell of medicine and strong anticeptic was unappealing to me.
I think you should not drag on this idea because it is not the objective of your response. You need to talk about your extracurricular activity more and through that you need to show your skills and capabilities, positive attitude, knowledge you gained and how it helped you grow as a person. It is ok for you to mention that you were not so pleased with the start, but don't invest too many lines for that. Quickly come to the most important parts of your response.
I don't really like how you start off. Maybe start your paper by talking about one of your experiences at the community clinic, then show me how that experience has impacted you.
thank you all very much for your advise.I'd do my best to improve on my essay.
the beginning makes it sound like you don't have the initiative to find a volunteer place yourself
also, what "fire" was there fuel being added to?
it seems like you overdramatized this
