Following the prompt, can someone tell me how this essay sounds?
Everyone belongs to many different communities and/or groups defined by (among other things) shared geography, religion, ethnicity, income, cuisine, interest, race, ideology, or intellectual heritage. Choose one of the communities to which you belong, and describe that community and your place within it. (Approximately 250 words)
The conductor raises his hands and my fingers get ready on the strings. With one flick of his wrist, we have been transported In the Hall of the Mountain King. The cellos and bassoons begin, with deep notes as we pluck the strings. As the rest of the ensemble joins, our conductor increases the tempo. Before the audience knows what is happening, the orchestra has done a crescendo from pianissimo to fortissimo, creating chills along my arms. I am completely lost in the music, but my fingers move across the strings, finding the correct notes to play. With one final flourish across the strings, the piece is over. I look over at the audience and take a deep breath, wishing they could understand the magnificence of this moment.
Being in orchestra has allowed me to experience countless moments such as this, but orchestra is more than where I develop my skills on the cello. The students in my orchestra have become my second family and we assist each other with schoolwork and problems outside of school. During my four years in orchestra, I have built friendships and created memories that will last forever. Although we have become a very close group, there is always room for more members and we warmly welcome freshmen into the class. I assist the younger musicians in their studies, help them with their music, and encourage them to keep playing. Even after high school, I know that orchestra will be a part of my life.
I loved the first part, but I think you should reduce it a bit, and extend the second one.
Before the audience knows what is happening, the orchestra has done a crescendo from pianissimo to fortissimo, creating chills along my arms.
This sentence completely break the tension. Try reformulating it. I would remove the audience part.
I look over at the audience and take a deep breath, wishing they could understand the magnificence of this moment.
I would change this sentence too: it is a little stiff and heavy, compared to the rest.
Summig up:
1 This piece is about you and the orchestra: I wouldn't spend my few words on the audience
2 You could try working some more on the second part: reading it, I somehow get the feeling you really wanted to just go on talking about music :)
I am completely lost in the music, but my fingers move across the strings finding the correct notes to play
I removed the comma between "strings" and "finding"
look over at the audience and take a deep breath wishing they could understand the magnificence of this moment.
....here too ... "between" breath and "wishing"
The students in my orchestra have become my second family and we assist each other with schoolwork and problems outside of school.
... and we help and stand by each other in all ups and downs whether it is to do with school or personal.This is awesome... The first para is really impressive.... Great job and Good Luck!
