Unanswered [8] | Urgent [0]
  

Home / Undergraduate   % width Posts: 3

"COMMUNITY OF PASSION"--UNIVERSITY OF MICHIGAN SHORT ANSWER


shquo 3 / 5  
Dec 28, 2010   #1
Everyone belongs to many different communities and/or groups defined by (among other things) shared geography, religion, ethnicity, income, cuisine, interest, race, ideology, or intellectual heritage. Choose one of the communities to which you belong, and describe that community and your place within it.

I need to cut this down by about 50-100 words =/ But I just can't decide what to cut! Please help!

Ernest Hemingway once wrote that without aficion, without passion, we are nothing. And I believe that. Throughout high school, I have found niches that allow me to excel as a person, as an artist, as a student, as a friend, and as a daughter. Without my found passions, I would be nothing.

You see, at Lowell High School, a majority of students are as competitive as I am: they strive for the best and get upset at anything less. Students here have been called "AP machines" by college admissions officers and quiet Asians by surrounding schools. If I had no aficion, I would find no reason to be anything other than another quiet girl at the back of a classroom. I would not want to discuss Henry James with my English teacher or conduct case studies on chemical preservatives in my free time. Without my passion, I would have only the label of "AP machine."

My parents taught me the importance of having passion: my father rebuilds muscle cars from scratch and my mother was my first volleyball coach. The aficion they passed down to me is apparent in every one of my friendships; my community is an amalgamation of personalities, colors, and traditions, but we all share one trait: a love for everything we do.

In this community, I take a role of both encourager and encouraged. The fervor this kinship shares allows me to inspire and to be inspired, to motivate and to be motivated all at once. Our many talents generate a constant flow of creativity: my friend's experience with painting inspires me to write a song, which inspires another friend to choreograph a dance, and I then use that dance in my fashion show to raise money for villages in India, which inspires another friend to volunteer for nonprofit organizations, which then inspires a painting--this cycle almost literally never ends. When I look around, I see football players battling mathletes with Pokémon cards and conservationists mingling with dancers to discuss calculus formulae, and I would not have it any other way. I choose not to be another AP machine. I choose not to be forgotten. I choose to have passion and to act upon these passions, and my community chooses the same.
lanes 5 / 33  
Dec 28, 2010   #2
Ernest Hemingway once wrote that"without aficion, without passion, we are nothing"-If you dont use quotes its considered plagerism, especially in college! make sure you put them in!And I believe that. Throughout high school, I have found niches that allow don't start a sentence with and, also that out the period put in a commaI believe that, throughout high school I have found niches that allowyou dont need the comma after high school

You see, at Lowell High School,don't start it off with You see its un-neccessary and too informal. Just say At lowell High School

and quiet Asians by surrounding schools.huh? this sentence is confusing, and borderline racist, I am not sure what your are trying to say
The aficion they passed down to me is apparent in every one of my friendships; my community is an amalgamation of personalities, colors, and traditions, but we all share one trait: a love for everything we do.- This is kind of a run-on, and a little wordy and confusing I get what you're trying to say, but cut it down to one clause talking about your parents and another clause about how your passionate in your life.

In this community, I take a role of both encourager and encouraged. The fervor this kinship shares allows me to inspire and to be inspired, to motivate and to be motivated all at once.- i loved this!

calculus formulae,calculus formula

I really liked your piece, it was pretty short and to the point and you kept the same reoccurring theme, one word of advice might be to use more of a direct example of your life. not just a general scenario. Talk about one specific moment, other then that it was very well written good luck!
OP shquo 3 / 5  
Dec 29, 2010   #3
Thank you lanes!

IF ANYONE IS VIEWING THIS THREAD RIGHT NOW:

I AM DONE WITH THIS PIECE, SO IF YOU WERE PLANNING TO COMMENT ON IT, PLEASE CORRECT MY SF GIANTS PERSONAL STATEMENT INSTEAD =)

THANK YOU!!


Home / Undergraduate / "COMMUNITY OF PASSION"--UNIVERSITY OF MICHIGAN SHORT ANSWER