Everyone belongs to many different communities and/or groups defined by (among other things) shared geography, religion, ethnicity, income, cuisine, interest, race, ideology, or intellectual heritage. Choose one of the communities to which you belong, and describe that community and your place within it. (Approximately 250 words)
My friends and I were discussing prom one day at lunch, when a girl who looked skinnier than a tree overheard our conversation and passed by saying, "I'm not coming to prom, because I'll look fat in a dress". I was awestruck. How could this beautiful, slim-figured girl possibly think she could look fat, and what caused her to come to that conclusion? We looked around the lunch room, seeing the glum, rainy March sky casting a gloom on our school. Something was not right in the minds of each student, and at that point, my friends and I knew something needed to happen to create a happier and more confident student body. So, we established "The Secret Society of Love and Joy".
Everyday during our study hall period, the secret society would bake brownies or make cards with encouraging statements such as "you're beautiful" or "never give up". We would proceed to walk around the school, peering in classrooms, and picking out the students that seemed they were in the greatest need of a pick-me-up for the day. I, specifically, would write the notes as I was the best writer and most qualified in producing motivational cards.
I could have never predicted the amount of satisfaction and joy I received out of seeing others, especially those who were lacking in self-confidence, smile and laugh at the society's deliverances. Those 50 minutes everyday that I devoted to dashing around the school and ding-dong ditching doors, leaving behind happy surprises were minutes that helped me grow in an unthinkable way. My friends and I felt a closer bond as a result of our knowledge that we were making a difference, and I am confident that everyday, I will spread love and joy to one more person than I did the day before.
Your secret society is the most amazing thing I have ever heard!! I wish my school had that. Your essay is well written. It's short and sweat and gets to the point in a very eloquent way.
One thing I would change part where you compare the girl to a tree. The comparison of thinness to a branch is very over used, maybe you can find a more poetic simile/metaphor to describe her. Also the word "awestruck" sounds kind of awkward in your essay, especially with the word "was" in it. I would suggest to change that entire sentence to, "Her words bewildered me", or something like that. Limiting the verb "to be" in your essay will make it sound much more articulate. It shows that you not only have a big vocab, but you're able to order words properly--that's actually why I think your essay sounds amazing.
Any how it is perfect. Maybe you can add a part that elaborates more on your society, like how you pick your candidates for letters, or write briefly about one of your card and brownie deliveries. That is something I definitely want to hear more about.
