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Compare yourself now to when you were younger..


Aug 17, 2009   #1
When comparing one to himself in childhood, we tend to find many differences, but if we look deeper, we can see that he resembles his younger personality, only now he has become more into what he used to be. It is rational to find new traits in his personality, but in the end, being that child is a base of what he is in the present.

My mother used to keep lists of different things, one that led me to this discovery. There were lists of the things we wish to have or do, one for each of my brother and me. Each item on my list has evolved into a quality in my personality. Flower, the first item, could be interpreted as my tenderness and softness with whoever surrounds me and the ones I love and care for. "Learning second grade's subjects," shows ambition, as I was a first grader by that time. Colored pens, a sharpener and an eraser, reveal my interest in art, which I have improved throughout my life. A mobile, (which I never got until an older age), demonstrates the desire to be connected to others. A piano, to me, was a chance to learn more, as I would have to learn to play, as well as a buoy to help me learn how to swim. Traveling to Dubai illustrates how I like to travel, yet I am economically considerate for choosing a nearby destination. Swings, a slide, and a seesaw display playfulness and an urge to have innocent fun. A backpack from "Toys R Us" that could transform into a chair proves how I prefer the compressed and practical. New shoes portray an interest in fashion, and now shoes are what most interest me when it comes to clothing. Renewing my room's furniture expresses how I like change and modification every now and then. Lastly, a mid-sized Qura'an (our holy book) symbols religious belonging. It symbols my Islamic identity. It symbols my beliefs and values. These items partly define me, and tell me who I really was.

Today, every item means something to me. Each item tells me about myself, and how I haven't changed, but only developed what I already had all along. Trying to understand myself has been very difficult when I feel that my life is complicated, and that I have plenty of things going on, but trying to compare myself to what I was helped, as it showed me that a sunflower only grows from a sunflower seed, and I have grown from my own seed. Just like growing up makes you bigger in size when you're still the same person and look similar to what you were, my different qualities have also become bigger in size, although not always for the best, for no one is perfect. Everything around me shaped who I am at this moment, nevertheless, no matter how much they see me unlike who I was in the past, the fact that I originated from that little girl I was ten years ago cannot be denied.

Aug 17, 2009   #2
When comparing one to himself in childhood, we tend to find many differences, but if we look deeper, we can see that he resembles his younger personality, only now he has become more into what he used to be. It is rational to find new traits in his personality, but in the end, being that child is a base of what he is in the present .

The wording of this paragraph is awkward, going as it does back and forth between "one" and "him" when, actually, you are supposed to be writing about yourself. But you don't need to fix it, because all of this ought to be cut anyway.

Instead, start with your mother's lists, then state how you realized that they could be read symbolically, then go on to do so as you already do (flower = tenderness, etc.).
Aug 17, 2009   #4
If you are going to cut the current introduction, you will need to add something else to explain how exactly your list answers the prompt. Otherwise, you're waiting until halfway through the essay to explain the relevance of everything you are saying to the reader, which isn't a good idea.
Aug 17, 2009   #5
Yeah I added that the list has sent me a clear message of who I was and that it is up to me to figure out how it relates to me in the present.
When comparing one to himself in childhood, we tend to find many differences, but if we look deeper, we can see that he resembles his younger personality, only now he has become more into what he used to be. It is rational to find new traits in his personality, but in the end, being that child is a base of what he is in the present.

Although this is a weird sentence your viewpoint is interesting. This sentence does not belong in your essay however.

as it showed me that a sunflower only grows from a sunflower seed, and I have grown from my own seed.

It took me a second to understand this haha. This is quite interesting.

"Just like growing up makes you bigger in size when you're still the same person and look similar to what you were, my different qualities have also become bigger in sizeQualities cannot become bigger in size , although not always for the best, for no one is perfect."

Traveling to Dubai illustrates how I like to travel

Feeding my fish illustrates how I like to feed my fish.
Aug 17, 2009   #7
reveal my interest in art, which I have improved throughout my life.

Watch your wording. it sounds like you are saying that you have improved your interest in art rather than your ability.

A piano, to me, was a chance to learn more, as I would have to learn to play, as well as a buoy to help me learn how to swim.

Again, the semantics can lead the reader to a different mental image. I am picturing the piano strapped to your chest like a life jacket as you flounder in the waves.

A mobile, (which I never got until an older age), demonstrates the desire to be connected to others.

Now this is one that I can't picture! The only mobile I ever had was above my crib as a baby. It is probably better to cut this.

Traveling to Dubai illustrates how I like to travel, yet I am economically considerate for choosing a nearby destination.

This sentence is awkward. Llamapoop already pointed out that traveling to Dubai really doesn't illustrate how you like to travel ... it simply states that you boarded an airplane. Economically considerate? Economically considerate of who? Your parents because they were footing the bill? You could say that you are financially responsible, but really, this sentence doesn't tell the reader anything about you nor does it add to the narrative.

Renewing my room's furniture

Renewing the furniture? Are you pumping it up with vitamin B, letting it get a good night's sleep, and treating it to a day at the spa? Replacing it? Recovering it? Refinishing it? Renewing furniture doesn't make sense.

Qura'an (our holy book)

It is safe to assume that your readers will know what the Qura'an is--especially when you say that it symbolizes your religious belonging and Islamic identity. Actually, you don't say that it symbolizes, you say symbols. You will need to change this. Symbols is a noun and you need a verb.

and tell me who I really was.

The past tense is not working here. It is kind of like you are saying, "So, when I was little, my mom kept these lists of all these that are symbolic of me. These are things that were a constant since I was little. They represent my foundation. But, hey, I am a different person now and those lists tell me who I WAS."

a sunflower only grows from a sunflower seed, and I have grown from my own seed.

You don't even want to know the mental image that this conjures. When you are talking about plant reproduction and then say that you have grown from your own "seed," well, it sounds like asexual human reproduction or cloning. "Seed" is a euphemism in the States for "sperm."

I don't feel like I learned much about the current YOU except that you have visited Dubai, you like shoes, and you change your furniture often. None of those traits are endearing though. None of those traits tell me that you will be a successful student in the US.
Aug 18, 2009   #8
I just re-read my post on this thread. I wanted to apologize now if I came across as a little harsh. I was trying to offer constructive criticism. In the vein of "constructive" criticism, I want to help you build this essay instead of tear it down. I hope that you take what I say more as a crane rather than a bulldozer or jackhammer. Enough with the bad puns! It is too late for me to think in a manner than I should be sharing with others.
Aug 18, 2009   #9
I just re-read my post on this thread. I wanted to apologize now if I came across as a little harsh.

Very sensitive of you, Noto!
Aug 19, 2009   #10
I just re-read my post on this thread. I wanted to apologize now if I came across as a little harsh.

It's ok.. I've heard worse ;)

None of those traits tell me that you will be a successful student in the US.

This is a normal essay. I'm in a Saudi school.. It doesn't matter in this essay if I will be a successful student in the US or not, lol..
With all of the application essays, I made an assumption. Sorry about that. In fact, my feedback would change knowing the purpose of the essay. With a personal narrative, a proclivity for shoes can be endearing.

Providing the purpose of the essay helps responders tailor their response. I would love it if all essays were prefaced with the purpose and prompt.
Aug 19, 2009   #12
I just re-read my post on this thread. I wanted to apologize now if I came across as a little harsh.

^I am surprised. I didnt think it was harsh feedback. Just good ol useful feedback.

It's ok.. I've heard worse ;)

^ ;)

Providing the purpose of the essay helps responders tailor their response. I would love it if all essays were prefaced with the purpose and prompt.

Yup. I was just about to comment when I read that, and do not know what the essay is being written for?
So, I do not really know what type of suggestions I should make. Unless
the essay is 'Compare yourself now to when you were younger'?

Either way, your essay is in need of some revision. Also, as wonderful as it was to read that you visit Dubai, seeing as how I live there, that sentence really was quite ineffective. Noto and Llama have pretty much said why.


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