Indicate a person who has had a significant influence on you, and describe that influence.
Okay, I am planning to apply for Brown or Upenn early decision. Any feedback, comments
would be really appreciated!!
The Compass Pointing At The Happiness
"Dad, why do you sacrifice all your money and comfort for the others? Isn't the happiness the purpose of life?"
"Son, I think you are misunderstanding something. I am a very 'selfish' person living only for myself. Since you and I are not different and everything in the world is connected, living for others is not actually for others, and saying a person 'sacrifices' for the other people is actually very ridiculous. Like a hand washing the other hand on its body, helping others is not helping others."
He was revered by people and I really esteemed him. But I did not want to live like him. I thought he was lighting the happiness on others by burning his own. He rejected hundreds of thousands of dollars from the government even when his house's electricity was cut off because receiving money meant losing power to help people. He only slept two hours a day to work and study. I respected him so much because he was doing the things that I was so sure I could not. I wanted to help people but my happiness was always my priority.
May 2007, I started homeschooling and started to learn Confucian and Buddhist philosophy from dad. Since then, I started to understand him. He was not sacrificing himself. Rather, he was caring about himself more than any other people in the world. What is happiness? An ordinary person can achieve happiness by rooting out desires. However, a great person cannot attain it unless other people are also happy. People live to be happy. Before my homeschooling, I thought that material well-being was the first condition of happiness. For me, he was not a person who could be happy because he was not a rich man. This ignorance could have made me a person who only 'seeks' happiness for my entire life. Material satisfaction is always relative. Even with the things I possess, I could achieve happiness of an ordinary man. However, overtime I started to understand that my happiness was not real unless others were happy.
Riiing. Bzzz. Riiiing. Awakening from my dreamy sleep, I press snooze. I go back to sleep. Riiing. I check the time. It is 4:30 am. LATE! I wake up, go to the study room, and quietly knock on the door. "Come in". He emphasizes that learning philosophy without practicing it is useless at the start of the lesson, just as usual. 7:00 am, I go to the temple. I do 108 bows and make resolutions for today; doing my best. 8 am, I go to the Goodlaw- the legal justice group. This NGO really fits with me because it helps the people by reforming the government, parliament, and the courts using the newest and right information, not by force. And it always maintained political, religious neutrality and worked only for the people. What I do was researching, staticizing date, etc. 7 pm; I finished my works earlier than the usual. I go to the Bangbae go club and play some games and come back home and study the history of Tibet. After the late dinner with my family, I study philosophy again. I study math and sleep at 2 am. It was 28th of July 2010, which was taken from my diary. I worked so much harder than when I was at school, and gave more efforts but I was more comfortable in spirit. For the last four years, I realized that the best way to help as many people as possible is to study the politics and law and become a successful and influential person. As time passes, I felt that I become like my father and from him, I could see the future. My future was the world of happiness.
For the past four years, he not only taught me the purpose of my life and the things that I have to do for my life but also gave me methods and courage. Because of my father, I could get close to the real happiness. Now, I understand him and think I can live like him. For me, my father was the compass pointing at happiness.
As happiness is an absolute, it doesn't require an article...same with money and comfort - unless you add a possessive (all
your money and comfort)
The Compass Pointing At The Happiness
"Why do you sacrifice all those money and comfort for the others? Isn't the happiness the purpose of life?"
the former one was always more important than the later onelatter because what I actually wanted was fame, wealth and power.
Before I learn from himmy homeschooling , I thought that the material well-being was the first condition of happiness. He was the person without it. For me, he was a un-happiable person.
person "without it" an "un-happiable?? is awkward wording. Do you mean he is immune from desiring happiness or unattached to happiness?
However, over timeas I learn things from him, I started to understand that my happiness was not real unless others were happy.
Separate out your intro and concluding paragraph to help focus the reader. For instance, the first two sentences with quotation marks are confusing - is this you quoting yourself? The second sentence starts with a quotation but lacks a mark to end the quote.
However, a great person cannot attain happiness unless other people are also happy. People live to be happy.
Though he could not make everyone happy, he was trying his best to and by it, and by doing so he could attain happiness.
For the past four years, he not only taught me the purpose of my life and the things that I have to do for my life but also gave me methods and courage. Because of my father, I could get close to the real happiness. Now, I understand him and think I can live like him. For me, My Father my father was the compass pointing at happiness.
Nice job! This is beautifully written! I hope you'll spend some time at EF helping others to write like you do. Your father sounds like a great person.
Never try to be fancy for the sake of being fancy. Attack a concept and tear it apart. That is fancy.
Extend the philosophy so that it goes from Dad to you to your studies and work. Give the reader a few more glimpses into your life, your future. Make it so that the underlying truth about the compass is that it transcends space and time; write about the direction in which he is sending you and a picture of your future.
:-)
Isn'tthe happiness the purpose of life?
I respected him so much
Respect is used to often word. Try awe or adore perhaps?
I dont know how to put this but your 3rd paragraph kinda gets stuck on the tongue. It dosnt really flow smoothly over. Perhaps the concepts you are trying to get across is organized a bit messily. Try reorganizing it and present in a more natural way.
Try to insert a smoother transition between your 3rd and 4th paragraph. Otherwise it sticks out. A sudden change from theory to practical matters. Perhaps you should try talking about how you realized law and philo are what changes the world before switching to how you changed.
Good conclusion though, succinct summary.
P.S I am also applying to Brown XD... Is this an example of hanging myself?? *Conflict, conflict*
