"my compassion for others" - Vet tech essay

Wrote this quickly in the car on my way back from visiting vermont technical college where I really want to attend. It is a pretty competitive program and my essay is more of a personal statement I am hoping to add on to my application. I had inferior high school grades (2.3 gpa) and now after one semester at a community college My grades should be much better (I have not received them yet). I really need to set myself apart from the other 100 applicants (they accept about 25 into the vet tech program)...how can I improve this essay??...I am love this field of work and I need to get into this school!

P.S. sorry it is long I am sure I can add detail / trim out fluff

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My strongest and best trait has always been my compassion for others. Though I am often quick to list my flaws I can say with honesty that I am fearless when it comes to expressing love and loyalty. Most of my life I have loved and cared for various animals, devoting myself whole heartedly to their well being. But love of animals is not the only reason I am attracted to a career as a veterinary technician. People are also a major contributing factor. In my time working with animals I have met so many beautiful people. I came to realize that people who chose to dedicate their lives to animal medicine are a unique breed. Though money is so important to our society many of these professionals were working low paying and demanding jobs. Over time I came to realize that working with sick animals is often emotionally and psychically draining. But as I came to this conclusion I also realized that I wanted more than anything was to train and become one of these hard working individuals that were my mentors. I knew that no other job could give me the same satisfaction and reward.

In the past school has been low on my list of priorities. Though I had always known that I wanted a career path that would involve animals I was never quite certain what that might be. After an internship (turned summer job) I was able to observe and get to know many people who worked with animals in different aspects. Since I worked down stairs from a veterinary office in a grooming/doggy daycare salon I found myself learning more than ever about the business of animal care. This experience was extremely worth while because it allowed me to become confident in my abilities to care for dogs of different age groups, breeds, and temperaments. In fact my very first job was at a small animal hospital, as a weekend kennel worker. This was where I first learned what a veterinary technician was and began to comprehend their responsibilities. During my time at Central Animal Hospital and Grooming Unlimited I experienced valuable real world education and also became certain that the medicine aspect of animal care was where I wanted to focus my efforts.

I was always taught to value hard work and to take pride in what you do. Though I may not always have appreciated the merit of this lesson, I think that now I have begun to. Being aware of the competitiveness of this program and others I have begun to really value the effort it takes to become apart of this noble field. I am motivated more than ever to prove to myself and to others that I have what it takes to succeed in this career path. I want to have a job that I can be proud of, one that challenges me and enables me to contribute to the well being of animals.

Often I have been known for my passion for my hobbies. Once something peaks my interest I will strive to learn everything there is to know about it. My pets are no exception, I have been a loving mother to many different types of animals in my lifetime. The research period before getting a new pet is crucial in my mind. I first decided I wanted ducks when I was fourteen, I was determined that this would be a well organized operation. I planned the house we would build for them, where we would get them, and what kind they would be. I chose to get eggs from a Cayuga breeder, since it was a duck breed bred in New England and could with stand the temperatures. In November 2007 I became a mother to four lovely Cayuga ducks who are still with me. In 2008 I adopted two rats from the MSPCA where I later became a volunteer Since then I have developed a real love for rats. They are such wonderful animals and I hope that someday when I live on my own, to become involved in a rat/rodent rescue such as Mainly Rat Rescue in Maine. My most recent experience in the world of pets has lead me to the keeping of aquariums. I loved reading and learning about the science of it. I currently own two aquariums, a 55 gallon tropical planted fish tank and a 29 gallon fancy goldfish tank.

Having taken classes at North Shore Community College I have had the good fortune to become acquainted with and taught by several dedicated individuals. Their knowledge about animals is something I too hope to achieve someday. As the semesters courses come to an end I realize that I have enjoyed every minute of the work I had to do. Wether it was pulling ticks off of dogs in grooming class or studying for the weekly quizzes in Breed Identification I realized that I did not want it to end. As I mentioned before school was never my strong point, this has always been to me, a very distressing fact. However after the few animal science classes that I have taken this semester I am confident that with motivation and much work school can finally become something that I am good at.

Hi Siobhan! I hope you do get in the college. I think you can easily get in this college provided you have a great essay... your gpa then would not be such an issue.

Your first para is a big put off. Personal statements do not mean that you start discussing your one good quality.
I started my personal essay... with a humor. That catches attention. It worked for me but you are totally different. So, think about portraying your self. Tell the essay more about yourself. When your handling personal statement....

1)be specific 2) Appreciate yourself without boasting 3) Talk about what all you have done ( I talked about where I was from, I passion for camps... so on )...MAKE THEM WANT TO MEET YOU. 4)Talk about your major... why you want to do this and why this college( when you say why this college... mention some research project they are doing and talk about being fascinated and you know want to be part of such projects in future.)


Nice... However not wether its whether.
The 4th point that I have mentioned ....you have covered that. You love animals (nice to know that :) ] you essay reflects your love. No doubt. But let me see more of you. Let the animals be one para in your personal essay. Either you don't write a personal essay and write on issue that you feel for... for that you would need to tone the essay differently but if its personal essay then tone remains and matter changes. Read up a few personal statements.... on the forum and then accordingly, whatever seems best to you do that...because personal statements reflect you and your character.

Hope this helps.... :)

"strongest and best" is unnecessarily wordy.

If you claim to be quick to list your flaws, it would be good to list some of them in this intro paragraph... I mean, just refer to them in passing. That way, the reader will be led along in a solid process of cognition for this message you are transmitting in the essay.

Let's look at this thesis statement. It is missing word:
But as I came to this conclusion I also realized that what I wanted more than anything was to train and become one of these hardworking individuals that were my mentors. I knew that no other job could give me the same satisfaction and reward. Replace this part with something that captures the essence of the essay, its message to the reader.

Improve that thesis statement, and you improve the whole essay! :-)