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"too compassionate" - McMaster Health Science: What defines you as you?


iliketofu 2 / 2  
Jan 30, 2012   #1
Hi, I am bad in English and I would really appreciate any help, editing, and suggestions.

The topic is "What in your opinion defines you as you?" (1500 characters maximum including space and punctuations)

Also, it does not have to be in an essay structure/format

Here is what I wrote:

In 1998, at the age of four, a girl woke up to the sounds of a construction site. Excited, she ran down the flights of stairs to observe the hardworking construction workers. The girl noticed the worker's weariness. So alone, she climbed up ten flights of stairs, back and forth, to bring down as many stools from home as possible for the workers to rest on. Of course, when the girl brought back all the muddy chairs to home, she was scolded harshly by her grandmother for her stupidity.

On a summer day of 2008, the thirteen-year-old girl was walking elegantly in her pearl white chiffon. She was excited since it was her first time attending a wedding. While making every effort to maintain a clean dress since the wedding was about to begin, she saw a limping pigeon. Its right wing and foot were so tightly coiled with string that it caused deformation and wounds. Without hesitation, she kneeled on the grass and began her procedure in treating the bird. Having been lectured countless of times in the past, she was scolded once again by her grandmother.

Today, the girl knows she is scolded not because she is stupid, but "too compassionate", as that is what her grandmother told her. Although outcomes are unfavourable at times, the girl is happy and believes that compassion is a quality one sufficiently need in order to be a successful learner. Knowledge would be useless unless it is learned and used to help others. That compassionate girl is me, and my compassion brings me the passion to contribute to the world through helping others with the knowledge I gain.

Please help! Thanks so much.

Jennyflower81 - / 690 96  
Jan 31, 2012   #2
I really like your essay, it is interesting and is a nice story. You paint a beautiful picture with your words and the flow of your essay is fine. I can point out a few things that you may want to change:

So alone, she climbed up ten flights of stairs, back and forth, to bring down as many stools from home as possible for the workers to rest on.

You could say: "So alone, she repeatedly climbed up and down ten flights of stairs, and brought down as many stools as possible from home so the workers could sit and rest."

Of course, when the girl brought backcarriedall the muddy chairs toback home, her grandmothershe was scolded her harshly by her grandmother for her stupidity.

Its right wing and foot were so tightly coiled (tied up?) with string that it causedthe bird had become deformed and had terrible wounds.

Without hesitation, she kneeled on the grass and began her procedure in treating the bird's injuries .

Having been lectured countless of times in the past, she was scolded once again by her grandmother.
OP iliketofu 2 / 2  
Jan 31, 2012   #3
Thank you so much for your edit!!
It is possible for you to help me make it more concise and shorten down a little bit because I wrote over the word limit by around 15 words.

Again, thank you!!


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