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Completely different college; Boston University Transfer


brie270 2 / 1  
Jan 10, 2013   #1
Hey Everyone, I am hoping to get accepted into Boston University as a transfer student. I know how competitive BU is, so I hope this essay will help. Please let me know what you think! Thank you!

"Why not try this one?" my mom asked as I was scanning the shelves. I walked over to the shelf where the book sat. It had a white cover with a pink silhouette of a girl standing in the corner. "I don't know, it looks a little boring", I relied. I had been looking for a good book to read for about an hour. I walked through the shelves of Barnes and Noble so many times, I could find each section with my eyes closed. "Well, you won't know unless you try", my mom answered. "I guess you are right", I replied as I took the book off the shelf. Although I was not ecstatic about the book, as I started reading it, it turned out to be one of the best I had ever read. My mom had taught me a lesson that day, never judge a book by its cover.

The magnificent view of the mountains in the distance, and the small town atmosphere made Colby-Sawyer College my comfort zone. The campus was a small town just like home, the size of the school was about the size of my high school and the class sizes allowed for one on one attention. At the time, I did not think I would like to be at a large college or university.

After my first semester at Colby-Sawyer College, I realize now it is not the place for me. As an athletic training major, I want to have the best education possible with the best internship opportunities available to me. The location of Colby-Sawyer, limits the number of internships available. I want to intern with football and ice hockey teams at a higher divisional level. At Colby-Sawyer College, Dartmouth College is the only ice hockey and football team at the Division I level who offers interns from Colby-Sawyer College. There are only two members from the major allowed to travel to Dartmouth.

My future depends on the internships available and with a limited number of internships offered for football and ice hockey; it limits the experience I will receive in the long run. I have looked at both Boston University and the University of New Hampshire's athletic training programs. Not only will I get the chance to work with both ice hockey and football teams, I will also get the chance to be involved in a comprehensive accredited program working toward my future. I am ready to experience different environments and larger universities; the city of Boston would be one, while the urban environment of UNH would be another.

Colby-Sawyer College has been a great experience, I have made many friends and I have done very well in most of my classes, although the lack of internships is something I know will affect my future. It is a big step transferring from one college to a completely different college, but I am ready to make the switch while working as hard as I can to make my dreams come true.

JMitchell159 2 / 2  
Jan 10, 2013   #2
"I don't know, it looks a little boring", I relied.

Replied

I walked through the shelves of Barnes and Noble so many times, I could find each section with my eyes closed.

Restate this. It sounds a bit awkward. Finding it with your eyes closed doesn't seem potent enough.

Avoid 'I replied' or 'I said' after every quotation. Those are just meant to clarify the speaker. If it is clear who is speaking and the tone in which the speaker is speaking in...you don't need that.

My mom had taught me a lesson that day, never judge a book by its cover.

Meh...a little cheesy

So I read the whole essay now. It seems like all three paragraphs are completely different and don't really tie together. Work on tying all the stories together (by theme, etc.) and wrap it up with a conclusion. Make it personal! Add some spunk, yo!


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