The first day of my freshman year, I was introduced to an upperclassman. He was my Freshman Mentor, a leader assigned to help me have a successful freshman year by ensuring that I would do well in my classes. Although I was a motivated individual, I was completely ignored by my mentor, with no concern shown for my academic standing.
Two years later, when I was eligible to become a Freshman Mentor, I applied, was accepted, and wanted to do what my mentor did not. I have always been a person with a yearning to help others. The Freshman Mentoring program at my school gave me the opportunity to help the students no matter if they struggled or succeeded with schoolwork, to provide advice on surviving the frightening world of high school, and to develop friendships built on trust and compassion, giving my freshmen a mentor and a lifelong friend.
It's still rough and it was just written.
As a freshman, I walked down the halls of my high school with eyes full of fear, unsure what to expect from this strangeunfamiliar place. I was introduced to an upperclassman, but this upperclassman did not want to push me into a locker. He was my Freshman Mentor, a leader assigned to help me have a successful freshman year by ensuring I would not fail my classesthat I would be doing fine in the classes(this sounds not so positive. Mentors do not expect students to fail all times.) . Being a motivated individual, I was never a "concern" . I was ignored and no interest was shown for my academic well-being. When I was eligible to become a Freshman Mentor, I applied, was accepted, and wanted to do everything my mentor did not. With the freshman I mentored, I have helped themhim/her academically, no matter if they struggle or succeed with schoolwork , and developed friendships based on trust and compassion, so that their eyes would be full of enthusiasm, unlike myself at that age.
Erin, cut down the part you describe your mentor and make the part of you being mentor more detailed. More, dun make it sound like a revenge. You can give reasons of you being responsible: you like mentoring and interacting with people, or you find it helpful to your own schoolwork, or the job equip you social and working skills or...
Being a motivated individual, I was ignored, with no concern shown for my academic well-being.
This sentence doesnt make sense...Why would your motivation cause you to be ignored? Elaborate or change it to something more clear.
he first day of my freshman year, I was introduced to an upperclassman. Yet this upperclassman did not want to push me into a locker.
I dont really like the second sentence I think you can do without it, because honestly, how many people still think of getting lockered when thinking about school
Well first of all, I liked how you started out the essay by saying how you were inspired to become a mentor. However, I do think you may want to be more specific about what you actually did as a freshman mentor. As of now, I really can't picture the activity, which I believe is the goal of the essay. Your well on your way there, but I think the paper could be a bit more polished in that regard.
You never explicitly say that you were neglected by the tutor. Try to say that outright. In addition, try to emphasize the good/bad parts of your experience to add emotion.
Although I was a motivated individual, I wascompletely ignored by my mentor (Perhaps a sentence to emphasize his lack of responsibility and how you later strove to avoid that in yourself?)
Watch out for the weaker words. "Fine" is too ambiguous.
He was my Freshman Mentor, a leader assigned to help me have a successful freshman year by ensuring that I would do well in my classes.
Break a new paragraph to show change in time, preferably with a transition.
...my academic well-being.
Four years later, when I was eligible to become a...
You have a giant run-on...
I have always been a person who wanted to help out others and with the Freshman Mentoring Program at my school. I helped the students no matter if they struggled or succeeded with schoolwork...
Lastly, try to end on a good note, instead of a negative one. Just delete the last part and maybe add something about the important lesson learned.
I helped the students no matter if they struggled or succeeded with schoolwork, and developed friendships built on trust and compassion, so that their eyes would be full of enthusiasm.
This is really good! I liked reading through the different versions, it was kind of fun to read through the progression
As of now this is a very solid answer, I dont think there is all that much left for you to change
My one suggestion is to maybe change the last part "so that their eyes would be full of enthusiasm." Now that you dont have the part about your eyes being full of fear this seems slightly out of place. If you can think of something to put here I think it would better support your essay
How is this latest revision?
Its looking great! The one line that I think could still use some work is:
"Although I was a motivated individual, I was completely ignored by my mentor, with no concern shown for my academic standing. "
I know exactly what you are trying to say (because I had a similar situation with my Senior Buddy when I was a freshman) but I'm not sure its totally clear. I think you need to show the correlation more between being a good student and being ignored, otherwise it seems odd that they would ignore you. Do you see what I'm saying?
I kind of see what you are saying, but I am still confused. Do you want me to do a compare/contrast or simply a rewording? Keep in mind, I've only got 150 words. Haha.
I'm thinking more of a rewording...because to someone who doesnt understand a buddy program it isnt an automatic connection: doing well in school therefore ignored- in most situations it would be the opposite!
I think you just need to be more clear that the reason you were ignored was because you are a good student
Every Tuesday and Thursday, I sit at round table with five freshmen at my school. Peers at my high school consider this social setting laughable, but I consider it rewarding.The Freshman Mentoring Program at my school is an initiative designed to help freshmen have a successful first of high school by ensuring the students do well in his or her classes. As a freshman, I achieved satisfactory marks, so my own Mentor completely ignored me, showing no concern for my academic standing.
Two years later, READ BELOW
I wrote a new one on a burst of inspiration. Same activity, different approach. Tell me what you think. Oh, and it's 167 words, so it needs to be cut.
It's 160 words now. Cutting it down to size can be such a painful process.
I know cutting down is really hard! You are definitely on the right track. Remember that the admissions people know you are under a word count and take that into account.
Would you mind looking at my redone BU essay? You are a great writer and editor and it would be great to have your opinion.
Thanks!
Thanks for reading through it. I'm kind of getting burnt out on it right now. So I'll put it down for tonight. Your advice has been great as well. Mind looking at my Common App Personal Essay?
"I was introduced to an upperclassman, but this upperclassman did not want to push me into a locker. He was my Freshman Mentor, a leader assigned to help me have a successful freshman year by ensuring I would not fail my classes. Being a "
This seems to be very awkward. Although it might have been something you thought of when you were a freshman, reading about this notion now seems very juvenile, and not something you want to use for your college essay.
It's 160 words now. Cutting it down to size can be such a painful process.
Cutting it down to size can be such a painful process.
Ha ha, yes, I've told other people in this forum that Stephen King calls it "Killing your darlings."
...ensuring
the students do well in his or her they study hard and begin high school as high achievers.
As a freshman, I achieved satisfactory marks, so my own Mentor ignored me, showing no concern for my academic standing. When I had the opportunity to become a Mentor, I wanted to do what my Mentor did not.
I have always been a person with a yearning to help others. The program gave me...
I guess this should all be one paragraph, because it is all about the same idea. It is only 6 sentences, so it can be one paragraph.
As a freshman, I achieved satisfactory marks, so my own Mentor ignored me, showing no concern for my academic standing.
I'm confused about this part. If you earned good grades, why did he need to show concern about your academics?
Does every freshman have a mentor?
The rest is good :)
