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Computer Club + Summer Job -common app essay


chunf 5 / 26  
Jan 15, 2011   #1
Hi there, my first language is not English, please give suggestions and advices, thank you. I will help you back.

Required Please briefly elaborate on one of your extracurricular activities or work experiences in the space below (150 words or fewer, 1000 character maximum).

As I entered the computer laboratory, I came to a world that belongs to me. I was greeted by a sea of people having the same passion as me and computers which have long been my best friends. I have been participating in Computer Club for 3 years and I was the treasurer. My responsibility like keeping records of financial transactions and maintaining the club's account has shaped me into a responsible person. Besides, I helped organize the club activities. During the club activities, I was able to discuss and share my ideas about IT with the others. This opened my mind and stimulated my creativity to develop better ideas. After all, the best part was being able to learn basic programming languages. It needed patience and determination as even a missing single dot would cause failure to the whole program. And I had them.

Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you.

I have a strict and protective mother who doesn't allow me to hang out friends. Due to this, my best friend was my notebook and I had only a small circle of friends. To be plain, I found it easy to doubt my ability to have new friends. This have made me developed a sense that I didn't need friends and I felt that what I need was skills and strengths.

During my ninth grade's school holiday, I worked in a sport specialist shop as a sales assistant. It was my first time stepping out from the home and school, interacting with people from the outside world. I enjoyed myself very much as it gave me a lot of lessons and experiences.

However, I didn't really interact with my colleagues. I was like a stranger to them. Yet, I didn't feel wrong about it. Every day, I had my lunch alone on the bottom stair and I remained silent throughout unless there was a customer. A week later, I felt lonely and I started to hate this kind of life. At home, I have my family members around me; whilst at school, I have my friends accompanying me, but here, I had nothing apart from loneliness.

I couldn't sleep that day. I realized, that night, that my life shouldn't be just about me. I must have friends and connection with other people.

The next day, after the work, I went to a bookshop and just managed to buy a book, "How to Instantly Connect with Anyone" by Leil Lowndes before it closed. I sacrificed my sleep to finish reading it. On the next morning, I came to work with confidence and "tricks" crawling all over my mind. I approached to them and tried one of the tricks.

"Hello there," I said. "I am planning my mother's birthday. Do you know any good restaurant around Georgetown? "
To my surprise, they shook their head. I was speechless and I walked away. I failed; it was not going according to the book!
I didn't know what went wrong until I accidentally heard one of their conversations. From their conversation, I found that while they interact with each other they are always concerned with the other's feelings. They only chatted about topics that favor both of them. Due to this, I realized that in order to gain others' respect, I must make friends through my real heart. There shouldn't be any "tricks".

Hence, I tried to think in their perspective and be concerned about their feelings. Again I approached to them, but this time I admitted the trick. I felt that it was best to tell them the truth. Then, I started to chat with them and I constantly observed them. I stopped and changed topics when I found that they were not interested in it. For example, I stopped talking about computers after I found that they are technophobes. Instead, I talked more about my family since we are family-oriented people.

The result was overwhelming; I couldn't stop talking with them that day and we have built up strong friendship. From that day onwards, I didn't feel lonely anymore. I felt so great for having someone to accompany me. I even cried when I left the job.

We are still friends even today.
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Jan 17, 2011   #2
As a matter of style (not a rule of grammar), it is nice to keep a sentence all in the same tense:
As I entered the computer laboratory, I came to a world that belongs belonged to me. --it just sounds nicer to the reader...

I was greeted by a sea of people having with the same passion...
It also seems nicer in formal writing to write three instead of 3:
for three years and ...

I was the treasurer. My responsibilities included keeping records of financial transactions and maintaining ...

:-)

Oh!! That second essay has a brilliant opening sentence that captures my attention!

You have a beautiful style of writing. I will add a comma to this excellent sentence:
Every day, I had my lunch alone on the bottom stair, and I remained silent throughout unless there was a customer.
OP chunf 5 / 26  
Jan 18, 2011   #3
Hi EF_Kevin, thank you so much for your comments!


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