"Computer science, I want to continue to serve the people" - Why Carnegie Mellon?

Hello World! I was eight years old when I discovered the realm of computer science. Ever since I had found my passion for programming, I strived to understand the logic behind algorithms and code. I loved to translate the problems I encountered daily into C++ programs and Java applets, and I relished the tingling sensation whenever I witnessed my creations being applied to the real world.

As an exhilarating challenge, I developed an interactive program to help my friends balance equations for chemistry class in high school. Whenever I came to a dead end, I would take a break and consult my programming friends. We would sit around a small, isolated desk in a library and discuss the problems with my program and different ways to improve it; the quiet environment was conducive to efficient collaboration, through which I would tackle the program again with fresh ideas. After weeks of coding, recoding, frustration, recoding, and compiling, I finally completed the software. It was my masterpiece, one into which I had poured my efforts and imagination in order to help my class.

In this way, I want to continue to serve the people. At Carnegie Mellon, I can not only broaden my expertise in algorithmics but also learn to apply my newly acquired knowledge to reality through its leading professors. Renowned scientists such as William Scherlis can teach me the essentials of economical programming necessary for the making and marketing of my future products. The numerous opportunities to study human-computer interaction will also allow me to explore how I can improve my programs to better serve my community. Furthermore, the School of Computer Science offers a unique fifth year masters program, through which I can more quickly utilize my learned skills for the real world.

Besides its high educational caliber and program, CMU offers countless research opportunities. I once had a privileged chance to experience the exciting environment and challenges of research. During an internship at UC Berkeley, even though my project dealt with fabricating sensors for power cable maintenance, I explored the power of analytical programming while creating models in Mathematica and Matlab. I loved the active participation, experiments and rigor of research. At CMU, I hope to participate in its many research programs such as the Cognitive Tutor Authoring Tools Project and the ground-breaking Artificial Intelligence program and continue to invigorate my passion for computer science.

One thing I didn't like about the Berkeley lab, however, was the lack of a certain concentrated environment; there were so many people of various disciplines that it took me hours to get a programming question completely answered. Fortunately, at Carnegie Mellon, I can experience the focused atmosphere I had been seeking. CMU, unlike most other colleges, has a distinct school set aside just for computer science. With its small size of 150 peers, the School of Computer Science will make group collaboration more personal and accessible. There, I can not only relive the joys of research and computer science but also pursue my goals to serve the people in an environment conducive to focus on my prospective major in Computer Science.

Are you sure it's not too long. They asked you not to exceed a page and they even said please! :-)

Ever since I had found my passion for ...whenever I witnessed my creations being applied to the real world.----okay, so the thought you leave me with is that you found fulfillment in seeing the work applied. But like I tell a lot of people, it would be good to add a sentence at the end of the first paragraph that tells the reader the single most important message of the essay, the idea you want them to associate with you. Often, this spot in the essay is where they make their judgment of you, good or ill.

Paragraph 2 is impressive...

...apply my .... knowledge ....through .... professors. ---does not make sense!

Renowned scientists such as William Scherlis can teach me the essentials of economical programming necessary for the making and marketing of my future products. ---this is just name dropping. To make it meaningful you should cite an article he wrote or refer to research he is doing or his area of specialization.

The numerous opportunities to study human-computer interaction will also allow enable me to explore ---not a necessary change, just an idea... :-)

One thing characteristic I didn't like about the Berkeley lab however was the lack of a certain concentrated environment; there were so many people of various disciplines were present that it took ...

There, I cannot only relive the joys of ...

I think they are going to recognize your seriousness and potential! The best way to fix this is to establish a memorable theme with a good sentence added to the end of the first para.

Hahah :) It actually all fits on one page, so no worries on that part :)


Hmmm... how about:
"Hello World! I was eight years old when I discovered the realm of computer science. Ever since I found my passion for programming, I had strived to understand the logic behind algorithms and code. I loved to translate the problems I encountered daily into C++ programs and Java applets, and I relished the tingling sensation whenever I witnessed my creations being applied to the real world. Programming and computer science is, to me, the ultimate source of delight and inspiration to serve the world."

I think the last sentence encapsulates the joy I find in programming itself and in using my programs to help others.


Yeahh... I thought it was a bit sudden. What if I added a short description of where I learned about him :
"In this way, I want to continue to serve the people. At Carnegie Mellon, I can not only broaden my expertise in algorithmics but also learn from its leading professors to apply my newly acquired knowledge to reality. Renowned scientists such as William Scherlis, who was featured in an article on software management and development in my favorite magazine ComputerWorld, can teach me the essentials of economical programming necessary for the making and marketing of my future products. "

Again, thanks a lot! :)