Could someone proofread my essay and tell me your opinions? I tried to risk some challenge with my introductory paragraph, my guidance teacher thought it was an excellent way to demonstrate my understanding in the field but I still want to know what other people (especially professors) would think of my essay.
If you can, can you please rate my essay on the scale from 0 to 10? Thanks a lot!
Alright, I'll paste my essay here.
Reason for Application: To Have Computer Science as My Life Companion
It wasn't long ago when the structure of our world was shaken by the change of manufacturing process from hand production to machinery. The Industrial Revolution in the 19th century gave life to the modern concept of "industry"-a concept that is fundamental to the shape of society we are living in right now. The past century saw an exponential growth in economy and science; the world has been subject to many transition points that have lead up to the current 4th Industrial Revolution, which is similar to Technological Revolution, that will transform the way our future looks like. The modern system of industry that was shaped by the First Industrial Revolution of the 18th century now faces its own fall from grace as the current generation experiences an unprecedented technological capacity, and it is more than just crucial for us to be able to accordingly respond to such rapid changes in order to succeed through the 4th Industrial Revolution. Thus my decision was made: to have Computer Science as my lifelong companion is the only certainly ensured means to be competent for my generation.
To elaborate on my reasons for specifically describing Computer Science as "lifelong companion", it all has to do with my personal history. It was when I was three when I developed my first personal connections with this sophisticated machine known as a personal computer. I was born in Seoul, South Korea and was living with my aunt and grandmother at the time. My aunt was someone who the society would perceive as a "nerd". While sitting next to me, she would always watch gaming broadcasts (which was very popular in Korea at the time) on the television and let me watch her play video games on her computer. One day, she let me use her computer, play some children-friendly flash games on the internet. Growing up without my parents and a grandmother who was working almost full-time, this old desktop with a big, bulky CRT monitor always had my full attention. By the time I turned six, I learned how to type. I spent the first half of my elementary school life in Korea; Korean elementary schools offer a lot of paid extracurricular club activities to choose from; I joined the computer club in the first year of elementary school. I recall impressing my teachers by showing them how fast I can type, winning the first place in a typing competition held by the school, surpassing all the sixth and fifth graders; that's how I was invited to the club. In the club, I would learn how to handle certain software such as Microsoft Office, including PowerPoint, Word and Excel. By the time I finished the first grade, I became the youngest person in South Korea at the time to have acquired in an official qualification called Information Technology Qualification for Microsoft Word and PowerPoint.
Such experiences in my childhood serve as a foundation for who I am as a person in my adolescence. When I turned sixteen, in the tenth grade of high school, I worked my first job during the summer holidays. I worked almost full-time, eight hours a day and five to six days every week. Some say that, what you buy with your first ever pay check can tell much about your personality; I decided to buy PC parts and build my own computer. It wasn't the easiest task I had to deal with, but the task proved to me that I genuinely find joy in learning about the complications of this machine. During the same high school year, I was briefly taught how to code in JavaScript and I took pride in the fact that I was one of the few students who were successful at it. However, there is one thing I think is unfortunate: The school I'm going to didn't offer IB Computer Science subject, so my very last academic experience with the subject is stuck at the tenth grade.
I am seeking opportunities to reintroduce my life to the field of Computer Science by applying to this program. As said above in the introduction of the essay, I believe that in the 21th century, at this very moment, the demand for computer engineers is projected to grow at an exponentially increasing rate, just like the rate at which science has advanced in the last one hundred years. The question arises why it has to be Waseda University's School of Fundamental Science and Engineering. As far as my knowledge goes, Waseda is one of the few educational institutions in Japan to have the capability to correctly evaluate the versatility of the lingua franca of our age that is English; that is not only limited to the English-based program of the school; the Japanese students that are not a part of the English-based program are also required to be trained in English, to become active scholarly participants in the global English-speaking academia. Therefore, in prospect of my future career plans, the fact that I have studied in Waseda University's Computer Science and Communications Engineering program will serve as a great opportunity for me to demonstrate to my employers that I am readily educated to be a perfect fit for the globalised labour market. At Waseda's School of Fundamental Science and Engineering, I aspire to expand the knowledge in Computer Science, adapt to the international model of the future of the ideal workforce and eventually pursue a career in the computer engineering field and contribute to the vanguard of the technological revolution.
The EndHolt Educational Consultant - / 14,809 
4780 Keia, from a score of 1-10, with 10 being the highest score, I think this would be a 2. It has a tremendously strong introduction but falls apart by the time it reaches the 2nd and 3rd paragraphs. Those are highly inconsistent presentations that do not explain why you chose to apply to Waseda University. The 4th paragraph is scattered in terms of logic, reasoning, and presentation, but has a chance to be revised into a paragraph that can clearly explain why you chose to study at the university. The professional goal is acceptably explained, but the academic area, not so much. Rather than focusing on the computer science education reasons, you suddenly changed focus and spoke about the importance of learning computer science related subjects in English instead. That is where the last paragraph lost sight of the correct "Reasons" discussion.
Take the first paragraph, do not change anything. Write a new second paragraph. One that explains the reasons why you feel the need to prepare for 21st century computer technologies. Make the current 4th paragraph your new third paragraph with the changes I advised above. Then write a new closing paragraph that explains your idea to contribute to 21st century computer technologies after you graduate.
Remember, you need 3 strong points here: academic, professional, and future applications. Do that very well in the essay and you will have a strong reasoning essay for submission.
