Here's my rough draft for the 150 word activity short answer on the Common App. It currently have 153 words, after already cutting it down from 170ish. What do you guys think I can do to tighten this up?
Sitting among my fellow cellos, I waited for the conductor to finish rambling about the violins. "The cellos and basses set the rhythm, but you have the melody! Bring out the soul of the music!" He did a little dance to emphasize his point.
Having participated in orchestra's for years, I was used to such lack of attention. The cellos, everyone believes, are a complements to the violins. After the conductor finished his lecture, we once again started to play Berlioz's Marche Hongroise. As the piece escalated to the climax, my faint animosity vanished as I felt the notes pounding in my heart. Violins verses cellos are not what orchestra is about: it is about reviving the music written by composers generations ago. It is about recreating the magic and sharing them with the world. It is about reliving the joy felt by the composers. This is why I participate in orchestras.
Thanks!
I don't know much about musical instruments and don't really care to.
That out the way, were you trying to be cute by "Sitting among my fellow cellos?"
It's more confusing than funny if it's a reference to the instrument.
"I waited for the conductor to finish rambling about the violins. "The cellos and basses set the rhythm, but you have the melody! Bring out the soul of the music!" He did a little dance to emphasize his point."
Don't denigrate or disparage (rambling), however faint, in an application. If your sole care is getting it within 150 words, cut out his dance and you're done.
I think it was written really well. If all you want to do is keep it under 150 words, just remove the part where he dances.
I don't know much about musical instruments and don't really care to.
That out the way, were you trying to be cute by "Sitting among my fellow cellos?"
No I was not trying to be cute. I was trying to show the reader I play the cello without saying specifically, "I play the cello."
I'll cut out the dancing part, I suppose. I was trying to create a mental image about how passionate the guy was about violins, but it came across badly.
Thanks for the quick responses, guys.
"I was trying to show the reader I play the cello without saying specifically, "I play the cello."'
Yes, there are probably a dozen ways to express that thought offhand without boring or confusing your reader. If I
had to choose one kind of essay to read, and my only options were a boring essay and a confusing essay, count on a few things:
- A gun is aimed at me and the dude packing it keeps barking "CHOOSE ONE"
- I'd choose the boring one.
See and try to bear in mind what is said at the end of post #6 in this thread:
https://essayforum.com/general-writing-questions-13/to-av oid-contractions-8018/Here's a quick edit of the short answer.
My cello was sleeping on my lap as I waited for the conductor to finish rambling about the violins. "The cellos and basses set the rhythm, but you have the melody! Bring out the soul of the music!"
Having participated in orchestras for years, I am used to such lack of attention. The cello section, everyone believes, are merely complements to the violins. After the conductor finished his lecture, we once again started to play Berlioz's Marche Hongroise. As the piece escalated to the climax, my faint animosity vanished as I felt the notes pounding in my heart. Violins verses cellos are not what orchestra is about: it is about reviving the music written by composers generations ago. It is about recreating the magic and sharing them with the world. It is about reliving the joy felt by the composers. This is why I participate in orchestra.
