Confessions of an Over Anxious Teenager:*BEEP* *BEEP* *BEEP*
The slow, monotonous, abhorred yell of the alarm clock ended an important meeting with my associate, sleep. We were discussing the highly controversial topic of deprivation. I slowly turned towards the clock as though daring myself to look. Through my groggy eyes, what looked like 01:24am was actually 6:30 am. The first rays of light came shining through the window. As I lay down on my back and I slowly understood that it was time for school.
I always hated going to school. No, it was not because of the studies, not because of my parents but because of my very intense anxiety.
I could tolerate any amount of work, any amount of studies but the one gaping hole in my personality was my anxiety-the monster. Never realized, when it creeped upon me like the symbiote in the movie Spiderman. The feeling of being chained to my lacunas made me more miserable.
Not knowing about one's problem is one thing and knowing about it and not being able to do about is another thing. Knowing fully well that I was restricting myself from not enjoying my teen years had a negative effect on me.
With no friends and no group activities, I was stuck up in my little shell, unwilling to come out. I was a loner. The only course of action was to study on my own,(which was easier said than done) As a result my grades took a nice beating.
Added to this, to cover up my shortcomings, I put up a façade of stubbornness, refusing to listen to my parent's advice on human-human interface. So as a result the relationship with my parent's got strained (which was sad, because my mom makes great food). I felt I was being judged by the whole world.
The only solace I felt was, when playing with my little brothers, the unjudgemental beings who looked up to me as their role model and loved me for what I was. I would shed all my fears and inhibitions and be the person I wanted to be.
That would not last long. It would be back within no time - the creepy monster.
I was trying hard to break this imaginary wall I had built around myself, but of no use. Until I saw that my youngest brother was also heading in the same direction as me. He couldn't defend himself from the bullies at school, kept to himself at home, not wanting to go out and play with other kids. A mini-me in the making. I realized that my lifestyle had a major effect on my brother's upbringing. He looked up to me, and I failed miserably.
I believe that an event or an incident can change one's life to the worst or to the best. In my life the latter one took the precedence. Not being able to watch my youngest brother, a third grader, not able to give it back to a bully, but standing alone in a corner at his school, made me realize the consequences of my action and my responsibility as an elder brother (which we in India, give it a great importance)
It was on that day I resolved to change. I said enough was enough. Invoking President Obama's campaign slogan, after some professional help, encouragement and understanding from my parents, and mainly my determination, led me to change.
I began interacting with people I earlier saw everyday, but never had the courage to talk to. I soon found out that I had more in common with the rest of my class than I thought. I felt this euphoria of accomplishment. I felt what it feels like to achieve the impossible.
End Result: my grades improved(drastically), I made tons of new friends, I hung out more around the house(my friend's house that is), and more importantly my brother soon began to talk and play with the not only the same group of boys that bullied him, but also with the other students in his class.
After this there was no looking back. I was able to unleash my talents, by getting into the school basket ball team and went on to be the captain. Tried my luck at the school rock band and also participated at other social activities, which I could not even dream off earlier.
I felt being broken out of that chained room. My parents are proud of me, my brothers are more happy with the new Me. Moreover I am very proud of myself for facing my fears and taking one day at a time.
There are some days, like today, wherein the creepy symbiote harps upon me, but I have the antidote (face the fears) now, unlike my dark days and move on.
As these thoughts came racing back to me in bed, I got out of bed, got ready and walked to school told to myself "I have a duty". That duty is to stop being the shy, panicky, introvert I once was and to be a better person to my friend's, a better son to my parent's and especially a better role model to my youngest brother".
I entered the school gates.
In a few minutes I came to the classroom doors.
With a deep breath I entered the wooden doors to my new life.