"Confessions of a poor student"

Hello everyone,
please read my essay and tell me what you think about it. It needs to be 1200 characters or less. I really want to get into this university. Any feedback is appreciated. Thanks!

Redemption. I'm a student who's seeking academic redemption after doing poorly in college. My family wanted me to become a physician; they didn't care what kind just as long as I made a lot of money. So I took up chemistry and biology classes hoping eventually things like carbon atoms and anatomy would grow on me. This didn't happen; instead I was miserable which caused my grades to suffer.

...

This thing is weirdly powerful. The writing lacks sophistication because it has no paragraphs, so you really need to divide it into three short paragraphs, but...

It really succeeds in connecting with the reader! It's really nice. End the first paragraph after this sentence:

This didn't happen; instead I was miserable which caused my grades to suffer. (Add a sentence that says something about how you made a mistake when you pretended to be interested in biology, and that you had fooled your parents into thinking you really wanted to pursue medicine. This will show that you take responsibility for your mediocre GPA instead of blaming the parents.)

Then, start paragraph 2:
During the time I spent suffering in a premed program, computers interested me, so I took...

Then, start paragraph 3 with this:
Please don't view...

:-)

Hey,I read somewhere; when writing a PS try to eliminate the negative so do not talk alot about your failures.

Kevin,you always have something to say.Big up brother,bravooo!.Keep on with the good work.

Kevin, you are genius! I really envy your writing skills, in a good way though. I appreciate for taking even a minute of your time to respond. I'm going to work on it some more. Thank you.

this i very good

Thanks Manyanda and Roygbiv. I've been enjoying your threads and look forward to seeing more of your writing. If you have time and want to be more involved in EF, please check out the contributor page sometime!! essayforum.com/ef-contributor-page/

Hey Kev,
Thanks for the link.I surely will try my lucky there.EF has been real helpful.I wish there was a facial one to one talk as I want to improve myself on that.Is there anyone on skype here? :) Come on guys,help a brother out. :-)

Thanks Kevin, I'll check out the link.

Well done...
You write the whole essay frequently. Readers can understand you imediately and appreciate your spirit...Cause it is an essay, so you can give out more specific details about your thoughts and feelings. I think your essay lacks of them...

In short, you did pretty well.

Redemption.
I'm a student who's seeking academic redemption after doing poorly in college. My family
wanted expected me to become a physician; they didn't care what particular kind just as long as I made a lot of money make a big fortune. So Die to meeting their expectations, I took up chemistry and biology classes hoping eventually things like carbon atoms and anatomy would grow on me. This didn't happen; instead I was miserable which caused my grades to suffer. During this time the period, computers interested me arouse my interest. so Later, I took up computer repair and in a week's time made my first computer. A year later I completed my PC repair and Microsoft Engineer certificates and have been working the computer industry ever since. Through the years I took courses here and there so I could in order to transfer to into a university. but it was only a year ago that I took it more seriously. (I'm not quite sure if this is redundant.) Now Nowadays, something inside me says, "I want higher learning education, I want to be academically successful". Please don't view me as a student with a low GPA but as a student with potential who's had a positive change and has maintained a 4.0 GPA in his last 10 units of college coursework. My goal is to earn a Master's degree then eventually set up scholarships for deserving students who has turned their academic lives around.

This is my humble feedback on your essay. My advice is that maybe you can try writing your essay in a more formal way since you're applying to a college. :) Good luck!

I think you should emphasize your interest in computer and your practical working experience in a company.

This is a really good essay!

Redemption. I'm a student who's seeking academic redemption after doing poorly in college. My family wanted me to become a physician; they didn't care what kind just as long as I made a lot of money. So I took up chemistry and biology classes hoping thateventually things like carbon atoms and anatomy replace with "anatomical terms" or something similar? Its not a huge issue, but a two word thing would match with "carbon atoms" better. Well, its just my opinion... would eventually grow on me. This didn't happen; instead, I was miserable which caused my grades to suffer. During this time computers interested me, so I took up computer repair and in a week's time made my first computer Computer creation and computer repair are very different things . A year later I completed my PC repair and Microsoft Engineer certificates and have beenhad started (tense consistency) working the computer industry ever since . Through the years I took courses here and there More specific? so I could transfer to a university but it was only a year ago that I took it more seriouslybegun taking it seriously . Now something inside me says, "I want higher learning, I want to be academically successful". Please don't view me as a student with a low GPA but as a student with potential who's Who's as in "Who is"? I think you mean "Who has" had a positive change and has maintained a 4.0 GPA in his last 10 units of college coursework. My goal is to earn a Master's degree then eventually set up scholarships for deserving students who has have turned their academic lives around.

I'm not sure what you're writing this for, but its generally accepted that repeating things in your resume is not productive. You might want to delve more deeply into your struggles as a poverty stricken student and the trials you over came to get out of your situation instead of listing the results.

The beginnings and the supporting of your paragraph are connective, lovely, and rather much, very honest. Thou in the "please don't..." and followings' sentence, it occurs to me that you sound like pleading. The positivity maintains not by pleading; and to reassure you, if you do not ensure such a sentence--or a single word, "please" in this case--is incinerated, the possibility of your acceptance can be costly reduced.


Kevin, his work is limited to a 1200-character piece, so he cannot--or should not--prolong the lead anymore. The contents, nonetheless, lack demonstration as pointed.

@roygbiv: A student of such interest is rare--very rare indeed. But a pupil of combined interest and good composing is thunder-roaring and scarce. Cheers to your forthcoming success.

Trung, good point.

I don't know... I usually think of a good length for a paragraph as about 100 words, but how many characters is that... 200? 300?

People have different styles of writing, but for high school and college comp I think it is good to have each paragraph give one main idea. The intro and conclusion sort of give the same idea, and the middle paragraph in an essay like this one can give an idea that supports the main idea. So, I think this essay could have 3 brief paragraphs and be more complex, clearer. It doesn't have to prolong anything; it just needs to be divided into paragraphs so that topic sentences can express the main ideas that the reader is supposed to remember.

I'd rather not, when it comes to paragraphing. The paraphrasing would be very hard then, and much, much more efforts would have to be devoted to it. For one thing, it can take a huge amount of effort to avoid making your composition look like some disparate sentences being gripped together into one rather dismayed piece of writing. For another, one paragraph can make the effort seemingly lesser and somewhat affordable and doable and easier to impress readers than an entire set of paragraphs.

Just some recommendations I'd add. Think it might help. Good luck!

Yes, actually I saw a post by Maria ("Yayz") recently that had a very long paragraph and it worked really well. It just carried the reader along.

Really, the correct thing to do depends on how many ideas need to be expressed. If you have one main idea supported by three sub-ideas, then that classic 5-paragraph essay might be best, but if you want to go deep into a single idea you might need only one para.

Still, when the reader looks at one long para it is intimidating! Paragraphing makes reading easier.

I suppose so. Ya, perhaps it is. Thou still, I notice that his paragraph is quite normal, not so long, not so short... Good size.

I guess it is a matter of opinion. I tend to use short paragraphs, because I know modern people have short attention spans. But writing is art, so there are no rules.

This is my humble feedback on your essay. My advice is that maybe you can try writing your essay in a more formal way since you're applying to a college. :) Good luck!