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'Confidence; H.I.M and I co-founded our very own volunteering group' - influential


Naseef 2 / 9  
Dec 19, 2010   #1
Indicate a person who had a influence on you and describe that influence.

As I walked over to the only piece of light filtering through the half-closed door in the now-dark gymnasium, I could make out the faint outlines of a little man standing beside the door. As my stride took me closer, his grin became more apparent. He knew that he was in for a big payday. But as I came closer, he instinctively held out his hand, expecting the money. As my hand rose, his face turned from a grin to an expression of disbelief. Instead of handing him the money, my hand went for the door in front of me.

As I entered the sea of light, there in front of me, sat the General Secretary with a cigarette in his hand with a look I have rarely seen him give. A look of surprise. Not to let the opportunity go to waste, I started to tell him about our situation- without a slimmer of slur in my voice - of how the little man tried to bully us out of the money we raised during the tournament in the gymnasium for the underprivileged children out on the streets, saying it was under his orders. I don't know whether he was more surprised by me entering the room, or by listening to what I just told him, but my words seemed to have the intended effect. He stood up calmly saying that he had no such knowledge of the incident, and that he was sorry for what his subordinate did. As I left the room and headed towards the gymnasium exit, amid the violent screams of the General Secretary directed towards the little man, I knew that my gamble had paid off. I caught the little man's bluff.

However, I was not always this confident or brave. I was always the shy, reserved type and even with my parents scolding me about it on and on, I never seemed to socialize as much as I should have. Maybe it was down to my speech coming out a bit slurry. But that soon changed and I do not think that I would have even made it to the door, were it not for one fateful meeting two years ago...

A new semester had just started, prompting a huge influx of new students to fill up the long hallow hallways and rooms of our school. And with that started a flurry of new classes and in one of which I happened to meet H.I.M. Being fat, short, stout and hairy; he looked more like an ape than anyone special. And me being a person with a lot of prejudices back then, wouldn't have given him a second glance, if he, for some reason I still don't know, didn't come around and sit beside me. After he introduced himself and started talking, I couldn't help but take notice. And that was the beginning of an amazing transformation.

H.I.M was and still is a social creature, in every sense of the word. As our friendship grew, I went to more places with him and as he usually sought out the largest crowd when he got into a room, I had to face more people than I was used to. At first, I was a mess. I was thoroughly incapable of handling talking to more than a five-man group. I got nervous most of the times and my speech sometimes turned into an indecipherable mess. But as more of these interactions took place I started coming out of my shell more, and a miracle happened. I started to slur less, helping increase my confidence.

Fast forward to the future and one can see how my newfound confidence has manifested itself into making my life better. H.I.M and I decided to co-found our very own volunteering group and it was in one of its projects that I was faced the ordeal involving the little man. Along with that, my newfound belief in myself had a profound effect on the soccer pitch. In two short years, I turned from a fringe player to my school team's captain.

Now that I look at it, I might not have been half the man I am now, were it not for H.I.M.

Thanks in advance for your help guys!
LedZeppelin 5 / 8  
Dec 21, 2010   #2
Great story, just left me feeling a little unsure about what was going on for awhile. The personal change is very evident, but is a little fuzzy compared to the beginning, which has clear direction. If you can relate H.I.M. and your changes more to the whole essay to have a cohesive flow than you have a very unique and effective essay.
OP Naseef 2 / 9  
Dec 28, 2010   #3
Haha, thanks guys. And yeah the ending and the last two paragraphs were pretty bad, but thats cause I did them in like 5 minutes just to post this essay up over here.:P

I will get on the task of finishing this essay with a blast. And thanks again! You guys were a lifesaver. :)
YK1 2 / 20  
Dec 31, 2010   #4
I agree. For the first two paragraphs I got lost during your transition.
As my hand rose, his face turned from a grin to an expression of disbelief. Instead of handing him the money, my hand went for the door in front of me. Try combining these two sentences for fluency and understanding

As my eyes adjusted to the sudden increase in light, the large figure of the General Secretary began to take shape. Where did the General come from? Through the door? Where was the sudden increase in light? And also,

As my eyes adjusted to the sudden increase in light, the large figure of the General Secretary began to take shape. Amid all the new details that were becoming visible now,: his frisky beard, crooked nose, heavy glasses and--his expression .

I agree with kelsey on your content. The essay is moves from one moment then to the past then to another moment. The reader has trouble keeping up with all the changes. Again, Who is H.I.M.?

And, because I am assuming the essay is your transformation, if you have room, add more of how he influenced you. If not, take some out from the beginning. In addition, add more about what his influence inspired you to do.


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