This was actually my UC app personal statement, but I'm thinking of cutting it down and submitting with my Columbia app too. Input would be much appreciated. Take no notice of the mistakes I corrected them on the UC site.
Prompt: Write an essay which conveys to the reader a sense of who you are. Possible topics may include, but are not limited to, experiences which have shaped your life, the circumstances of your upbringing, your most meaningful intellectual achievement, the way you see the world - the people in it, events great and small, everyday life - or any personal theme which appeals to your imagination. Please remember that we are concerned not only with the substance of your prose but with your writing style as well. We prefer that you limit yourself to approximately 250-500 words (or 1-2 pages).
Having lived in England until I was 14, and in India for the past 4 years I have experienced two so called "conflicting cultures". Despite being of Indian origin, it is safe to say that I was an "Orientalist" (as Edward Said would say) or more simply put, an ignorant. I was born and brought up in the city of Birmingham. My contact with India was negligent. I'd visited it every other year for a couple of weeks. When I moved to India in 2005, however, it had been seven years since my last visit. my idea of it was vague. India to me was a place "where my relatives lived", a place where people pronounced the "n", a place that still didn't have McDonald's. It was frozen in 1998. The timing had been perfect. This great change in my life had collided with my formative years. I was fourteen and at a stage where my intellectual curiosity was growing exponentially. The years when knowing superficial facts was enough had passed. There was an innate desire for substance. I wanted to learn everything. I wanted to know everything there was to know. The world was a machine and I wanted to find out the purpose of every cog. This want had stemmed from my newly acquired "heightened sense of things" in a manner of speaking. I was intrigued by small events (instants in time), whether it was the skeletons of trees in winter: naked and deformed, or even the twitching of my toes. It's like when you first realise you exist. Everything was high definition. Images were sharp, clear-cut, crisp. Nothing escaped me. I had complete control. During my seven-year absence, the city of Hyderabad had changed. There had been a proliferation of western culture. Income disparity was expanding at an ever-quickening pace. Money was where it once had not been. People's lifestyles had changed drastically. Wilderness had been replaced by urban development. Moving to India was not quite as big a step back in time as I had imagined. There were modern apartments, shopping malls and a wealth of foods. This was the culture shock. I was curious to know how this had happened. This process of learning, coupled with my intrigue, matured my comprehension of the world around me. There was too much happening that I was not aware of and this frustrated me greatly. I was full to the brim with questions. I spent time with my father everyday asking him how such rapid development had taken place. for the first time, I came across the word globalisation. At the time the idea seemed bizarre. India and China were going to be able to compete with the likes of America. I drew from this that the world was always looking to increase efficiency. Companies wanted cheaper costs of production and they had come to India to achieve this. Land prices reached the sky. Land that had been worth nothing a mere ten years ago was now worth millions. There was good and bad in this. A nouveau riche group had appeared in Hyderabad. People now had the opportunity to do what they had once not been able to. New businesses were created which in turn created new opportunities for the general population. The world was a very different place from what I had once thought. It was much more complex. This was not the only thing new to me though. I joined and am still attending an International School. I met a lot of people from backgrounds and cultures that were very different to my own. There were French, Finnish, Italians, Russians, Filipinos and even Kyrgyzstanis. My closest friends was from Sweden. People were so different, even odd. Due to this I learned to become more tolerant of those around me. I became less uptight. Over these four years I've pulled myself apart and put myself together a number of times and I'm still looking to be a better person. Despite the self-dissatisfaction, the context had been ripe for lessons and experimentation. As this part of my life draws to a close I look back on it. I see that I've developed as a person. I know my capabilities. I know what I want in life. However, there is still a desire to learn more, and to achieve more. I think the best way to reach the latter goal is to get a good education at one of the world's premiere institutes. I'll use my sharp insight and ability to think on my feet to pursue a career in law. I also intend to keep changing, to keep learning from my experiences and hopefully become a better person as a result of my efforts.
I also have this back up essay. It's not complete, but tell me what you think of it so far. Thanks.
I am one of a million shards of glass situated neither here nor there. I am a descendant of the Indian Diaspora that came to England during the 1970s. I am incomplete, vague and have only truly understood my culture in the past four years. Having been born and brought up in England until I was fourteen I was ignorant, fooled into thinking that I was English. India was a place of poor people and accents to be mocked. I was an orientalist (as Edward Said would say).
Essay Option 1
"At present you need to live the question." - Rainer Maria Rilke, translated from the German by Joan M. Burnham.
I am one of a million shards of glass situated neither here nor there. I am a descendant of the Indian Diaspora that came to England during the 1970s. I am incomplete, vague and have only truly understood my culture in the past four years. Having been born and brought up in England until I was fourteen I was ignorant, fooled into thinking that I was English. India was a place of poor people and accents to be mocked. I was an Orientalist (as Edward Said would say). I was an insider looking in. A product manufactured by the west, brainwashed and blinded, my mind constructed and divided into something entirely different. I suppose this "opening of my eyes" was a concoction of my formative years. It's a result of the intense questioning that I have put myself through.
The timing had been perfect. This great change in my life had collided with my formative years. I was fourteen, and at a stage where my intellectual curiosity was growing exponentially. Superficial facts would no longer suffice. There was an innate desire for substance. I wanted to learn everything. I wanted to know everything there was to know. The world was a machine, and I wanted to find out the purpose of every cog. This want had stemmed from my newly acquired "heightened sense of things" in a manner of speaking. I was intrigued by small events (instants in time), whether it was the skeletons of trees in winter: naked and deformed, or even the twitching of my toes. It's like when you first realise you exist. Everything was high definition. Images were sharp, clear-cut, and crisp. Nothing escaped me. I had complete control. During my seven-year absence, the city of Hyderabad had changed. There had been a proliferation of western culture. Income disparity was expanding at an ever-quickening pace. Money was where it once had not been. People's lifestyles had changed drastically. Wilderness had been replaced by urban development. Moving to India was not quite as big a step back in time as I had imagined. There were modern apartments, shopping malls and a wealth of foods. This was the culture shock.
I was curious to know how this had happened. This process of learning, coupled with my intrigue, matured my comprehension of the world around me. There was too much happening that I was not aware of and this frustrated me greatly. I was full to the brim with questions. I spent time with my father everyday asking him how such rapid development had taken place. For the first time, I came across the word globalisation. At the time the idea seemed bizarre. India and China were going to be able to compete with the likes of America. I drew from this that the world was always looking to increase efficiency. Companies wanted cheaper costs of production and they had come to India to achieve this. Land prices reached the sky. Land that had been worth nothing a mere ten years ago was now worth millions. There was good and bad in this. A nouveau riche group had appeared in Hyderabad. People now had the opportunity to do what they had once not been able to. New businesses were created which in turn created new opportunities for the general population. The world was a very different place from what I had once thought. It was much more complex.
I joined, and am still attending an International School. Over the years I have met a lot of people from backgrounds and cultures that were very different to my own. There were French, Finnish, Italians, Russians, Filipinos and even Kyrgyzstanis. My closest friend was from Sweden. People were so different, even odd. Due to this I learned to become more tolerant of those around me. I became less uptight. What I called normal changed.
I think that I embody Rilke's idea of "living the question" to a certain degree because introspection has been the tool with which I have shaped my life. "The question" is collective, an umbrella term if you will. Thomas Hardy once penned the words "events did not rhyme quite as he had thought". I realised this at a certain point, and knew that it was up to me to change and adapt to the situation. Over these four years I've pulled myself apart and put myself together a number of times and I'm still looking to be a better person. Despite the self-dissatisfaction, the context has been ripe for lessons and experimentation.
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My SAT score was awful: 1980
WR- 640
CR- 660
Maths- 680
My SAT II scores were abysmal
Maths II- 620
Lit- 620
My IB scores were reasonable
Maths HL- 6 (A)
Economics HL- 6 (A)
Histor HL- 6 (A)
English SL- 7 (A+ or *)
French SL- 6 (A)
Bio SL- 5 (A)
TOTAL= 36/42
I have a bunch of extracurricular stuff. Basketball, soccer, school newspaper, working administration/accounting at a 4*hotel and I have worked at numerous NGOs.
Some recommendations from teachers and places I've worked.
I am applying to Columbia for Poli Sci and Eco.
With all this in mind can my essays get me through the door? Columbia is my dream school. I would do anything to go there.
Are my essays good enough, and what do I need to do to improve in them?
You should use paragraphs to make it clearer...
Having lived in England until I was 14 and in India for the past 4 years, I have experienced two so called "conflicting cultures." Despite being of Indian origin, it is safe to say that I was an "Orientalist" (as Edward Said would say) or more simply put, an ignorant. I was born and brought up in the city of Birmingham.
Now, I think you should work with each of the paragraphs individually.. I found no major errors, but you need to be nice to the reader and wrap the paragraphs up nicely like presents. Opening sentence, explanation, conclusion sentence...
:)
A really well-written essay. The opening line does need a bit of work, though. When using a metaphor, you have to think through all of the implications. The one you have used implies all of the following:
1. You are broken
2. You are incomplete
3. You are out of place
4. You are potentially dangerous
5. You should be swept up and thrown out
Okay, the fifth one's a stretch. My point is, the implications are all negative, which is not a great idea in an application essay. Could you maybe think of a metaphor that would have more positive spin to it. For instance, "I am one of a million seeds that has been picked up and scattered by the winds of history." You can probably do better with a bit of though, but you get the idea. This metaphor implies that you are part of an extended living tree, that you have the potential to grow and flourish in foreign soil or native, etc.
