This is my UF essay.
Any comments or suggestions are appreciated.
It was a bit of a slap in the face when I walked into the emergency room with a chest pain I thought was insignificant, but was unable to walk out when told that the pain I had been withholding for five days was in reality a collapsed left lung. In five seconds, my parent-forced, humorous thirty minute hospital visit abruptly took a new course into a two week nightmare not only because of the health hazard, but also because I entered the hospital two weeks before AP testing.
I was enrolled in four AP classes, so the upcoming tests were throbbing in the back of my mind - even while a ten inch suction was tube jabbed through my aching ribs and into my lung cavity. If I was not in ruthless pain, I was induced with strong pain medications that put me to sleep - both scenarios making it difficult to perform everyday tasks, such as eating, let alone studying. After several attempts to naturally heal my lung, the doctors decided I would have surgery, with a mandatory stay-home recovery time of two weeks - which meant regular AP testing was out of the question. Now, with a month of absence from school, deciding whether I should take the makeup tests or not became an internal battle.
My parents, doctors, and even teachers told me not to be concerned about the tests, that my health was more important, and that situations like these were beyond my control. Some told me that if I did not pass the makeup tests I should not blame myself, but instead blame the inconveniently "popped" lung and the pain medication. Others were telling me to not even take the makeup exams, and that colleges would understand. All of these suggestions seemed to soothe me with the comfort that I was longing for. This newly found reassurance eventually swayed me into believing that passing the exams was impossible under the given circumstances. Before I realized it, I found myself repeating these words of relief to others just to hear them reaffirm my helpless position. I found myself making excuses.
It's as if I was embracing the consolation given by my surroundings to find justification for failure; I was conforming. I realized that, although sometimes unpleasant incidents will be beyond my control, how far I let the incidents limit my capability is entirely up to me. Life will sometimes creates hardships that act as obstacles between me and my goals; however, I can attain my goals by not cultivating boundaries and edges of conformity around what I can accomplish. Through this experience, I decided that I will allow no excuses or scapegoats when facing the countless obstacles in life, but accept full responsibility for achieving the best possible outcome by letting my will and integrity shine through. I will not jeopardize progress because of an innate human desire to remain in my comfort zone. This is how I will enter UF - with this resolute, unrelenting attitude.
Hi. I'm sorry to hear that you had to go through that. That sounds like a very scary experience. I have a few suggestions for your paper. Your first and second sentences are a bit long. I think those sentences will be easier to read if you break them up. Also, I'm not sure what you mean when you use the word "humorous" to describe your hospital visit. That word doesn't really make sense in the context of the sentence. So, did you take your make-up tests? I think that's an important detail you've left out of your essay. If you did take them, you should use this as evidence to back up your claims in the last paragraph. If you didn't take them, then you should mention this in terms of what you learned from this experience. One last thing:
Life will sometimes create hardships that act as obstacles between me and my goals;
This is just a side note, but I think going to the hospital for a failing lung is a pretty good excuse not to take a test. Hopefully you took enough time to heal after your surgery before taking any exams.
I love this essay, its message is great, and the example is admirable.
I agree with a few things the poster above said. You should include whether you ended up taking your AP tests, and if you passed them, etc. to reinforce your last paragraph. I disagree, however, with the whole 'failing lung is a pretty good excuse not to take a test'. I mean, it is indeed a good excuse, but that's the whole point of your essay- good excuses don't amount to success.
You could fix some grammatical errors, and some sentences are a bit awkward, but the overall message, which I would like to think is the most important thing, is great, I completely agree with your points.
Why was the hospital visit humorous at first?
however <-- I would suggest replacing or erasing this word, as it sounds awkward to me , I can attain my goals by not cultivating boundaries and edges of conformity around what I can accomplish.
I understand the "overall message" of this essay and I'm not suggesting it be changed. I think langa makes his point very well in this paper. I was just expressing my own opinion as a side note.
