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'congested the living room' - good enough for Ivies?

jasononwenu 5 / 19  
Dec 20, 2011   #1
I just need someone to read and edit my essay. Is it good enough for any Ivy or top schools? Do I need to add or delete anything? Please help!

The sky was cloudless. Brilliant sun rays bled through the Venetian blinds that my mother had recently bought. Fragrant aromas diffused throughout the house. There was the thick scent of the turkey heavily influenced by rosemary; the rice, whose scent was quite indistinguishable, but yet worth the finger-licking; and both the pumpkin and blueberry pies, whose fruity scent sweetened the dominant odor of the spices. The aroma was too enticing to cease salivation; it was also inviting and foreshadowing, as if to summon us to a genial dinner ahead!

Some relatives and friends (particularly, of my parents) congested the living room. Men clamored over the Thanksgiving football game on television. Women gossiped and boasted about their jewelry, clothing, and friends. My mother stood as the only exception. Although she contributed to the conversations the women have held, most of her attention concentrated on the dinner. She started cooking at the crack of dawn. But now, at three in the afternoon, everyone was ravenous. The food was ready, but only a couple of minutes remained before distribution. Mother did not set up the tables this year. But the adults stayed in the living room, while others ascended to the gaming room where the television also made it possible to provide a meal and a show.

After ten minutes or so, my mother provided the meal first to the adults, and then summoned the kids. They fled down the stairs in elation that the scrumptious repast had been finally ready after a couple tantalizing hours. I followed after, internally eager to receive my meal. My mother looked emotionless, mindlessly handing out platter. When it came my turn to collect my food, I gave my mother a kiss. She looked at me affectionately and thrust her arms around my neck, as if to give me a half-hug or a gentle headlock. I smiled and laughed heartily, then whispered in her ear, "Thank you."

This moment was one of the best memories to cherish. Being surrounded by relatives and friends who live to laugh and love and break bread with one another is not entirely universal. I consider myself lucky, compared to those who have lost their loved ones via combat, estrangement, and et cetera. My heart goes out to those less fortunate; I know that the same Force and the same Being that has given me my life will go on to help to change their lives for the better. God has made me happy by giving me people to depend on and to love. Without Him and them, side by side, I would have no motivation to live. He always is and will be worthy of praise.
babygurl2012 4 / 15  
Dec 20, 2011   #2
This is a deep essay! I believe it's good enough for any ivy! Just get a great English teacher to proofread it and you're good to go!
marcusrschmidt 4 / 6  
Dec 20, 2011   #3
This is really quite brilliant. I really enjoyed how the rich details thoroughly immerses the reader in the experience. It really helped make the end effective and profound. A++

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