each day
Not necessary?
I have grown up
Grew up would sound better, I think.
that helps ensure the safety and freedom of our great nation.
Seems repetitive, you already mention how his job ensures safety,
etc.
that's why my focus is on serving in the military. Since 9/11, our nation has led the fight against terrorism,and we must continue to lead this fight and step up our efforts in order to be successful.
Do not use contractions in a formal essay. Also, I would say "September 11th" rather than 9/11.
; and, a close friend from high school currently attends the Air Force Academy
Weird punctuation. I'm not an expert, but I don't think you need the semicolon or the comma around "and"
offersed me the very best opportunities for a highly successful future. .
Good start! Needs some reworking. Good luck :)