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Congressional Appointment Essay: "Why I want to attend a military academy?"


335thomas 2 / 4  
Aug 15, 2010   #1
Topic: "Why I want to attend a military academy"

My desire to attend a military academy has been more of a process for me than a decision. I grew up the son of a career public servant and was undoubtedly influenced by my upbringing. For over 25 years my father put his life on the line each day as a Federal law enforcement agent to make our nation safer. I have grown up admiring him for his loyalty and selfless commitment. As I consider my future, I know that I want to follow in his footsteps in a public service career that helps ensure the safety and freedom of our great nation.

Today, I believe the most serious threat to our nation comes from beyond our borders and that's why my focus is on serving in the military. Since 9/11, our nation has led the fight against terrorism but we must continue to lead this fight and step up our efforts to be successful. Our battles have not been easy and they have certainly not been without sacrifice but we are making progress in the war on terror and the youth of our nation, especially our young leaders, must answer the call to serve. I welcome this challenge to serve and I believe our military provides me with the greatest opportunity to acquire the knowledge, skills, and abilities to be highly successful.

For a long time I knew I wanted to serve in the military but I was unsure of the branch of service. My grandfather was a Marine and Korean War veteran; my uncle was a Navy fighter pilot during the Vietnam War; and, a close friend from high school currently attends the Air Force Academy. Earlier this year I was honored to visit the Air Force Academy as a Division 1 soccer recruit. From the moment I stepped on campus it all just seemed to click - the location and setting, the educational opportunities, the esprit de corps, the opportunity to fly, and the chance to play soccer for the Fighting Falcons. I knew the Air Force was the right career decision for me and the Air Force Academy offered me the very best opportunities for a highly successful future. .

I feel very fortunate to be among the group of outstanding young men and women who are being considered for an appointment to the U.S. Air Force Academy and I am honored and humbled by the thought of serving shoulder to shoulder with finest soldiers, sailors, and airmen in the greatest military on earth.
Michael48304 8 / 31  
Aug 15, 2010   #2
each day

Not necessary?

I have grown up

Grew up would sound better, I think.

that helps ensure the safety and freedom of our great nation.

Seems repetitive, you already mention how his job ensures safety,
etc.

that's why my focus is on serving in the military. Since 9/11, our nation has led the fight against terrorism,and we must continue to lead this fight and step up our efforts in order to be successful.

Do not use contractions in a formal essay. Also, I would say "September 11th" rather than 9/11.

; and, a close friend from high school currently attends the Air Force Academy

Weird punctuation. I'm not an expert, but I don't think you need the semicolon or the comma around "and"

offersed me the very best opportunities for a highly successful future. .

Good start! Needs some reworking. Good luck :)
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Aug 17, 2010   #3
Hey, you write very well. I'll give you a pointer that is not a big deal, but... it m,akes writing nicer. Use a comma before the conjunction in a compound sentence (Strunk & White).

Today, I believe the most serious threat to our nation comes from beyond our borders , and that's why my focus is on serving in the military. Since 9/11, our nation has led the fight against terrorism, but we ...

Again here:
I welcome this challenge to serve, and I believe our
But you can also do this:
I welcome this challenge to serve and I believe our ...--- no comma necessary because without "I" it is not a compound sentence.

...to the U.S. Air Force Academy, and I am honored and humbled ...

Now.. about the content.. it is very eloquent, but it can be improved if you demonstrate some knowledge of the field you are entering, relevant current events (more specific than what you already wrote)... but really, this is already more impressive than most essays, I think!


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