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Congressional Nomination Essay - beyond graduation from the Naval Academy


colt2002 2 / 2  
Aug 17, 2019   #1

"Through Knowledge, Sea Power"



What character traits do you posses that qualify you to fulfill the motto of your preferred U.S. Service Academy?
500 words or less, at 406

The U.S. Naval Academy is my U.S. service academy of choice. The Naval Academy motto is "Through Knowledge, Sea Power" and is demonstrated through the Navy's core values of Honor, Courage, and Commitment. From gaining knowledge and life long learning, USNA produces Naval Officers with outstanding leadership ability which results in world class sea power. These same core values have been instilled in me throughout my many years in Boy Scouts and NJROTC.

As a Boy Scout I have attained the rank of Eagle Scout. Within that journey I have had many opportunities to both learn and express Honor, by wearing my uniform proudly and always respecting the Flag, God and Country. A scout's journey to the Eagle rank requires Courage to face many new challenges; one notable event was using my CPR skills to aide an auto accident victim. Beginning scouting in second grade it was an unknown at the time the commitment it would require to become an Eagle Scout but over the years I made that a goal. My commitment to that goal opened up many opportunities for me which instilled in me the value of commitment in anything you do. As a future leader I plan to instill these values in anyone I may lead.

My entire High School career has been guided by my goal to attend the USNA. In Middle School I was on track to attend Stanton College Prep, while this was a much sought after school placement, I instead chose to attend Mandarin High School through 'School Choice'. Mandarin High School offers Navy JROTC as well as the AP and Honors classes I desired to make me a competitive USNA candidate. This choice required a huge commitment as the school is a 23 mile commute each way. All of my expectations have been met by the three plus years I have been involved with ROTC. As with Scouts I wear my ROTC uniform with pride and honor those who serve to protect our country everyday. I serve in the Color Guard, march in parades and run half marathons to honor my Flag and country. ROTC has provided opportunities where I have displayed courage in leading teams in Orienteering, Athletics and will be this year's Commanding Officer of the entire battalion. The experience I will gain in this final year of NJROTC will further my skills as a future USNA Midshipman and leader beyond graduation from the Naval Academy.

ahsan_daniyal 3 / 7 1  
Aug 17, 2019   #2
overall essay is good though i cannot comment on the content of the essay as i dont have knowledge as to what these essays require.

But you do need to improve your sentence structure a bit
For example: ... value of commitment in anything you I do because subject must remain same throughout the sentence.

Secondly:"From gaining knowledge and life long learning"( a correct way to write this would be: by delivering knowledge and lifelong learning
These were the things i was able to spot but i would recommend that you go through it all again and check for similar errors

Thanks
Maria [Contributor] - / 727 281  
Aug 18, 2019   #3
@colt2002
Hi. It's good to see you here. As always, I truly hope this feedback becomes useful for you. If it is, I hope that this would become a way for you to learn more as an individual.

I would firstly mention that the first paragraph appears to be quite messy. This is mostly due to the construed structure that doesn't seem to have an explicit direction or intent. I recommend trying to be more specific in order to not appear to be rambling with vague pieces of text.

While the second paragraph was great in terms of packing content, I found it quite heavy on the eyes due to the lack of pauses and appropriate punctuation that would have made your text truly wonderful.


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