The Prompt is:
What, in particular, influences your desire to attend Conncoll? (250 words)
I have always been inspired by figures such as Bill Gates or Warren Buffet, not because of their huge billion-dollar assets or their gifted business wisdom, but rather their kindness and benevolence. The Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation, which has been promised by Mr. Buffet to inherit his wealth when he's gone, is a form of 'giving back' to the society.
Yes, 'give back'. To me, 'give back' is an important principle of life. I always believe that I would never be who I am today without other people. During years studying under a scholarship in Singapore, I realized that I was in fact using the tax money of the Singaporeans. I felt as if I owed them something. That thought motivated me to join several community involvement programs. I went to the nursing homes to help the elders; I organize community events and I cleaned the environment. I wanted to give back!
Conncoll, unlike many other college, has its community engagement closely related to its history of establishment. The school would never thrive today without first days of the fundraising campaign. The college vision of 'reciprocation', therefore, accords to my life principle. I'm heading to Conncoll, believing that the college will give me more chances to translate my 'give back' desire into actions. Such a big-hearted environment as the Conncoll's will also make me more passionate and urge me to give more. Without doubt, Conncoll will be a great place for me to nurture my desire: my desire to contribute, my desire to give back!
Why "Yes, 'give back.' ? I think you can leave that out because you state it quite well elsewhere.
During my years studying...
...never thrive today...[sentence is awkward]
the repetition is ...different. I'm not sure if you really need it because there's a 250 word limit.
you make a strong point though..
This could be made to be more substantial. A serious student chooses a school based on its ability to get him or her where s/he is trying to be. Do you have any professors in mind from whom you would like to learn? What advantages does this school offer to someone with your UNIQUE perspective on the field you are going to enter? That is what this is all about.
This is well-written, but I think it could use some more focus on your field of choice and your unique aspirations.
