Hello everyone! I will be very glad if you review my essay and suggest better choices. It is Transfer Common App essay >250 words( reasons for transferring and the objectives you hope to achieve), I am changing my major from chemical to aerospace engineering, also I am changing the country of studying: I am transfering from Kazakhstan to USA. Thank you... Below my essay
This is one small step for a man, one giant leap for mankind.
So familiar for me the sound of rocket and dust, smoke in the sky, I was always wondering what that is. I was witness of many launches since my hometown was the place where spacecrafts were launched. I always said to myself that the vehicle which is exhausting so big amount of dust and smoke into the air must be result of miracle. I remember how I used to go to the street to see the pictures of galaxies and stars in the city. Even though I was at that time 8 year old, the first thing that came to my mind when I was looking at the pictures is how we can reach it. The feeling of infinity which could not find place in my inside world and was going to escape occupied me. At that point something was changed in my feeling that I am carrying throughout my life.
When I got older, I still connected myself to the space. I was watching the stars which are clear at night in my hometown; how they are great. Every time the desire to reach the space appeared in me. I thought about constructing my own telescope to see the stars. I remember how I finished the telescope. It was refractor based telescope. The first thing that I directed the telescope was the moon. I saw it and it was wonderful. . Even though it was vague I could see the craters of the moon. Again, it was wonderful.
In the high school, I found a person who was sharer with me passion of Aerospace Engineering. A teacher of math, she was old woman who used to tell me the time when aerospace engineering was thriving. I inherited her passion to the science, especially to the Aerospace Engineering.
When I finished my high school I faced with a problem. There was no Aerospace Engineering degree in my country. As a result I went to Chemical department of the best university of my country: Kazakh National University. I did well in the university, for after first semester I was one of the best students in my university and I got heightened grant from my school. I participated in many events. I was a member of Student Science Club. I attended many lectures of foreign scientist. At all this time I understood that I still connect myself to Aerospace Engineering. I was focusing on those subjects which I considered would benefit me to become an aerospace engineer. To broaden my knowledge in combustion problems, I went to become a trainee in the "Combustion Problems Institute" at the university. Even it was for senior year students, I went there as a volunteer. Even there was no clear research devoted for combustion in spacecraft, I first saw there the process of combustion which occurs in space vehicles. There the first memories of childhood came to my mind: the sound of vehicle, dust and smoke in the air. Again I remembered the pictures that I saw: a constructor engineer who was standing near to space vehicle, tiny in front of big machine. Who knew at that time that it will be the first man in the space? Will I be one of those people who conquered the space, I did not know. However, I was certain that I should change my major and whole my life.
The first thing that came to my mind was to apply to government sponsored scholarship that allowed me to study abroad. I started to prepare for the tests which I needed to take to get scholarship. I studied very hard to get scholarship, for I understood that the best way to become an aerospace engineer is to study in the USA. The spending of time to preparation for the tests for scholarship affected on my grade in the third semester in the university. Even though it was very difficult to combine the university studying with preparation to the tests, I was determined to get scholarship. My resolution and my dream pushed me forward. In the final interview with jury members of scholarship committee I demonstrated that I am responsible and resolved person who will not stop on pursuing his dream. Finally I got the scholarship and with the scholarship I got a chance to study in US which has the best universities in the world. Even though it is small step for my country to provide good future to Aerospace Industry; or it could be small step for US university to teach and train one student from foreign country, but for me it is giant leap in my life.
So familiar for me the sound of rocket and dust, smoke in the sky, I was always wondering what that is.
i think it would be better to say i had always wondered what the familiar sounds and sights or rockets, dust and smoke were.
basically, you need to watch your tense and verb structure and read your essay with a critical eye because there a quite a few of such mistakes. in addition, you ommited some verbs like in
When I finished my high school I faced with a problem.
and there are quite a few repetitions and unnecessary information like how you said wonderful twice.
if you sort out the grammatical errors, it will be a really nice essay
you need to take a look in your essay. I have corrected only one paragraph.
This is one small step for a man, one giant leap for mankind.
So familiar for me the sound of rocket and dust, smoke in the sky, I was always wondering what that is. I was the witness of many launches since my hometown was the place from where spacecrafts were launched. I always said to myself that the vehicle which is exhausting so big amounta lot of dust and smoke into the air must be result of a miracle. I remember how I used to go to the street to see the pictures of galaxies and stars in the city. (This sentence ambiguous i.e sentence pertaining to going to streets, can you elaborate it). Even though I was at that time 8 year old at that time , the first thing that came to my mind when I was looking at the pictures is how we can reach itthere . The feeling of the infinity which could not find place in my inside world and was going to escape occupied me(I didn't get the meaning of this sentence, please write in a clear language so that evaluators may understand) . At that point something was changed in my feeling that I am carrying throughout my life.
When I got older, I still connectedkept myself connected to the space. I was watchinglove to watch(should be in present tense as it implies you still have interest in this field) the stars which are usually clear at night in my hometown and ponder how great they are .
