"Florida State University is more than just a world-class academic institution preparing you for a future career. We are a caring community of well-rounded individuals who embrace leadership, learning, service, and global awareness. With this in mind, which of these characteristics appeal most to you, and why?"
The mind is a voracious entity which wishes to absorb as much information as possible, coalescing into knowledge through the process of learning. As a child, my life revolved around this cold definition, and I was unable to understand its faults. Despite being a "gifted" student, I cared more about grades than learning, and became a recluse to ensure scholastic success. I believed the only friends I needed were pencils and paper, and that my life's only purpose was to obtain A's. However, it wasn't until adolescence that I understood the wonderful attractiveness of learning.
Ironically, my love of learning didn't come from a textbook, but a body of rosewood. When my father bought me my first guitar, I didn't understand the purpose of the instrument. Yet, the moment I first strummed a chord, I became addicted and sought to learn how to make this beauty sing. It was no easy task, but after years of arduous play my guitar became my second voice. My fingers weaved elegant melodies along the metallic frets and my ears bathed within the music which swam in my mind. It was my Heaven and my lifeline. Through my musical education, I connected with fellow musicians whom became my new friends. By learning the guitar, I was released from the chains of loneliness into the bonds of solidarity. Through this experience, I made a realization: learning is a web which connects us between our fellow humans. This revelation inspired my journey into true enlightenment.
Poised to use knowledge as a bridge to connect with others, I entered the Health Science Academy at Coral Reef Senior High. I delved deeply into this new realm, learning not only about human anatomy and physiology, but how to perform the duties of a First Responder and CPR. I have become enraptured by the field of medicine, not only by neural action potentials and the lobes of the brain, but by the fact that I have the potential to save someone's life through my hands and my mind. By exploring the medical field, I have realized knowledge is not only a bridge, but a tool to help others as well. Knowledge relieved me of my loneliness, and thus I want to use my knowledge to relieve others of their pain. It is this desire that inspires me to pursue medicine and my goal of becoming a neurologist. To me, there is no greater duty.
Learning truly is a peculiar process. For years, I have been learning in order to build myself up, yet in the end my knowledge will go towards helping others. This is the true attractiveness of learning: the power to help oneself connect with and help others. Florida State University is not a mere repository for grade grubbers, but an opportunity for me to reach this true pinnacle of life. It would be a privilege to be accepted to FSU and to be given the opportunity to join a community which holds education to this highest regard.
Word Count: 500
Please share your critique and suggestions as well as any grammatical or punctuation errors. Thank you!
Judging by the first sentence, I can already tell you're a good writer:) I'll do as much correcting/criticing as I can, however I'm sure even if you submit this it would be suitable!
The mind is a voracious entity (delete:which wishes)which desires to absorb as much information as possible, coalescing into knowledge through the process of learning. As a child, my life revolved around this cold definition, and I was unable to understand its faults. Despite being a "gifted" student, I cared more about grades than learning, and became a recluse to ensure scholastic success. I believed the only friends I needed were pencils and paper, and that my life's only purpose was to obtain A's. However, it wasn't until adolescence that I understood the (delete: wonderful; unneeded adjective) attractiveness of learning.
Ironically, my love of learning didn't (delete: come)arise from a textbook, but a body of rosewood. When my father bought me my first guitar, I didn't understand the purpose of the instrument. Yet, from the moment I first strummed a chord, I became addicted and sought to learn how to make this beauty sing. It was no easy task, but after years of arduous play my guitar became my second voice <I love that! . My fingers weaved elegant melodies along the metallic frets and my ears bathed within the music which swam in my mind <<Awesome metaphor . It was my Heaven and my lifeline. Through my musical education, I connected with fellow musicians whom became my new friends. By learning the guitar, I was released from the chains of loneliness into the bonds of solidarity. Through this experience, I made a realization: learning is a web which connects us between our fellow humans. This revelation inspired my journey into true enlightenment.
This next paragraph is disconnected from the rest of the essay. Have a connecting sentence, such as: "Not only did my knowledge guide me through chords, but also through my education at the Health Science Academy at Coral Reef High" Poised to use knowledge as a bridge to connect with others, I entered the Health Science Academy at Coral Reef Senior High. I delved deeply into this new realm, learning not only about human anatomy and physiology, but how to perform the duties of a First Responder and CPR. I have become enraptured by the field of medicine, not only by neural action potentials and the lobes of the brain, but by the fact that I have the potential to save someone's life through my hands and my mind. By exploring the medical field, I have realized knowledge is not only a bridge, but a tool to help others as well. Knowledge relieved me of my loneliness, and thus I want to use my knowledge to relieve others of their pain. It is this desire that inspires me to pursue medicine and my goal of becoming a neurologist. To me, there is no greater duty.
Learning truly is a peculiar process. For years, I have been learning in order to build myself up, yet in the end my knowledge will go towards helping others. This is the true attractiveness of learning: the power to help oneself connect with and help others. Florida State University is not a mere repository for grade grubbers, but an opportunity for me to reach this true pinnacle of life. It would be a privilege to be accepted to FSU and to be given the opportunity to join a community which holds education to this highest regard.
NOTES:
1. Loved all your symbolism/metaphors
2. Be careful of how many times you use the word "learn/learning"; perhaps google some synonyms and it will add to your already expansive vocabulary
3. This essay makes me want to edit mine...A lot.
Hope I helped:) If you could give me feedback on my Common App essay as well, I would GREATLY appreciate it. Thank you!
