The prompt is about who/what influenced me to apply to BU. The limit is 2000 characters and right now I'm a little over so if you could help me cut down anything that I don't really need, I'd appreciate that. I just finished but I feel that it reads a bit choppy. Any suggestions, critiques, grammatical corrections, etc are appreciated.
When I was 12 years old, my family and I flew to Boston to hold my First Communion. Since my sister was a senior in high school at the time, she figured it wouldn't hurt to look into Boston University. Bundled up, we left the house we were staying at and drove up. As my eyes looked to the sky, I fell in love. There was the campus that Martin Luther King, Jr. himself studied at. While my family and I walked through the campus all I could do was fantasize about a time when I would be graduating high school and going to college. Each scenario that I created, Boston University served as the setting. Unfortunately, our long-distance relationship failed and the dreams created soon faded into nothing. I returned to Florida uninterested in adulthood and college and preoccupied myself with petty pre-teen problems.
I suppose true love never dies, for when the time came for me to look into my own schools this year, the flame between Boston University and I reignited. The campus tour and information session my family and I took only added fuel to the fire of my burning love for this school. The more I learned, the more I realized that Boston University presents me with all of the opportunities necessary to succeed.
Located in the heart of Boston, I will be swimming in a pool of diversity. There are hundreds of people to meet and the city itself is enveloped in museums and historical landmarks. All of this will present me with many cultural opportunities and a chance to become more socially aware.
Since I am currently undecided in regard to what I wish to major in, the variety of classes offered by the College of Arts and Sciences will help guide me. I was reading a pamphlet and became particularly interested in Ha Jin, the Professor of Creative Writing. I would be honored to take a class with such a respected man. The fact that he has won the PEN/Faulkner Award twice and has even written and received an award for a novel shows that he has tremendous passion in the subject and I can only imagine the information I will take from his class.
I crave to abandon my suburban roots and live in a city. Although there are hundreds of other schools I could go to in Boston, BU is the only one that has such an active student community and great clubs to get involved with. There are clubs ranging from athletics to religious and through these clubs, I can perhaps discover my true passion in life. I am especially interested in the Alternative Spring Break trip and the Hug Don't Hate Club.
Despite the intimidating size of Boston University, I feel that I will not be a lost fish in a sea of others. It seems that the school goes to amazing lengths to accommodate every student and create their home away from home.
Please help! Should I change the intro? I also don't know if it seems like I'm just spitting facts out or if it's all over the place. Thanks!
I think the intro should be a little more alluring. Maybe start it off with your reaction and then go into the details; defnitely put in a little more details as to why the school caught your attention. Also, you should focus a little more on the line "I crave to abandon my suburban roots and live in city"- why?
As for the flow of the ssay, I think it would sound much better if you put the paragraph beginning with "Located in the heart off.." after 'Since I am..".
Just a few suggestions :)
Best of luck!
Thank you so much! Do you think it's more important to like mention everything I like about the school or just some select things that I really like? I'm having a tough time because I want to put more detail, but am really horrible at cutting it down to the word limit.
Thanks for the suggestions though! You're right about the flow, I'm gonna fix it up.
I think it's better to focus on a few things that REALLY stand out to you- that way you can cut some words down and add some more details.
I'm also really prone to writing way over the character limit, but I found that taking out a few flowery words and trying not to use overtly long sentences help a lot.
I suggest reading your essay over a few times and you'll successively find things to take out.
I don't know, I really liked your intro. You give the feeling of a little 12 year old girl with a dream... and yet you write well, like a scholar. You SHOULD write out the word "twelve" instead of typing 12, though.
Let's get rid of "located" here:
In the heart of Boston, I will be swimming in a pool of diversity. ...
See how that is nicer? Sometimes writing is more powerful when you cut out unnecessary words. Good luck at BU!! You are great!
I guess I also want to mention that you can reorganize a bit here. Put the stuff about the city all together:
In the heart of Boston, I will be swimming in a pool of diversity. There are hundreds of people to meet and the city itself is enveloped in museums and historical landmarks. All of this will present me with many cultural opportunities and a chance to become more socially aware. I long to abandon my suburban roots and live in a city. Although there are hundreds of other schools I could go to in Boston, BU is the only one that has such an active student community and great clubs to get involved with. There are clubs ranging from athletics to religious and through these clubs, I can perhaps discover my true passion in life. I am especially interested in the Alternative Spring Break trip and the Hug Don't Hate Club.
Since I am currently undecided in regard to what I wish to major in, the variety of classes offered by the College of Arts and Sciences will help guide me. I was reading a pamphlet and became particularly interested in Ha Jin, the Professor of Creative Writing. I would be honored to take a class with such a respected man. The fact that he has won the PEN/Faulkner Award twice and has even written and received an award for a novel shows that he has tremendous passion in the subject and I can only imagine the information I will take from his class.
Ohh okay thank you! I see what you're saying. Do you think that my essay sounds too much like I'm just regurgitating facts they already know?
