Well, my biggest concern is whether or not my essay sounds too wishful. Or too detailed. Or just the wrong idea. ^^"
"Why are you interested in The Ohio State University?"
I had always wondered what it would be like to go to a large university like OSU, but I did not recognize it as my first choice until I started looking at other schools. No other school I visited offered me the closeness to home, the many resources offered by a large university, the top-ranked programs to challenge me academically and professionally, and a wide range of clubs and student-run activities, all at the same time.
I consider myself a language nerd. I have taken Spanish, Japanese, and Latin; and I am exposed to Chinese and Indonesian at home. When I found out about the SLIYS 2010 program at OSU, I immediately applied. I cherish the week I spent learning from graduate linguistics students and being part of campus life. The people in the Linguistics Department truly motivated me to work toward my goal of becoming an English teacher in Japan.
Another aspect I love about OSU is its diverse student life. I can learn to do something with other students that might require a hired tutor outside of campus. For two years, I have gone to the Asian Festival just to watch OSU's Dragon Phoenix Wushu Team perform, and each year has been more enjoyable. When I found out that OSU had a parkour team, I was happy that traceurs had found a place on campus.
Finally, I want to prove to several of my peers that I do not need to rely on "connections" in order to be accepted to my preferred college, but that I can get in through hard work and keeping myself ahead. I wish to attend OSU because they can provide me with the best tools to help me accomplish my goals. (289 words)
I would take out the last paragraph...schools usually don't want to hear that you only want to be accepted to prove something to someone else. It's like saying you want to end so you can make lots of money. That may be true, but it's probably best to leave it out.
I think it's great that you've mentioned your goals and passion for language, but maybe you can elaborate on how OSU will play a role in that?
The first sentence sounded a bit odd...First the subject is how OSU is a large school, then you jump to it being your first choice. The "but" makes it seem like some big contrast is coming up, but there doesn't some to even be much of a connection between the two parts of the sentence. I'm having trouble explaining this, but maybe you could rework the sentence somehow. Also, the next sentence is a really long list of vague characteristics that you don't address in your essay...maybe you can shorten it, or mention specific things, or use a pronoun like "OSU has a lot of stuff I like," except more sophisticated. Or, better yet, combine those first two sentences somehow.
Ah, I forgot to say something about my being tired of attending small schools with no funding. Well, in that case, I really have to rework that first paragraph. Thank you for critiquing this so soon!
(Btw, is it acceptable to leave the word count in at the end of the essay...?)
Your welcome!
is it acceptable to leave the word count in at the end of the essay...?)
If they don't specifically ask for it, don't...do authors of books you've read leave word counts at the end of chapters? ;)
