I have tried to make my essay different and made it sound like a journey with my roommate and referred to start trek the movie . I dont know if its appropriate ad if you guys could help with grammar and stuff if you see errors. ANY HELP IS MUCH APPRECIATED.Thank you. P.s. a bit longer than the 500 world limit hoping it would not be a problem?
Dearest roommate,
I have heard that we are to conquer the world in pairs and that you will be my partner for this task so how about learning about each other and help you recognize me, make rules and devise our strategies before we board the ship?
If you see a South Asian guy wearing a back pack full of books and wearing a FC Barcelona shirt and soccer shoes, looks neat and tidy, and seems to just have taken a shower then stop right there because you have found me. The reason for the attire, as you might have guessed, is that as much as I love learning new things I can't live without sports, Sports is what fuels my body and keeps me fresh and going and at night I don't mind a few sessions on the gaming console. Enough with the introduction lets board the ship.
During this unique journey, as we take on 'Captain Nero' (Star Trek) if anything is bothering you or you need help then just come to me and we will try to sort it out together. I would love to keep our ship as clean and tidy as possible because cleanliness is the key to success for me at least as I just can't concentrate if there is mess around me. During this mission our objective, which is to conquer the world, comes first and the rest is all secondary and I would like it to be quiet when we are working on a task. Don't, even for one second, hesitate to come to me if you need help for a task as I will be bothering you a lot too. Another secret to success is health and soldiers need to be healthy to win the ordeal, so I would prefer that we always be on schedule and devise appropriate time for rest and sleep. Yes, I know I sound like Spock from 'Star Trek' and to be honest I have similar personality except that I am more friendly and forgiving.
If you ever have grudges against me or feel if I am going the wrong way then fear not to talk to me and presenting your opinion and as you might notice, when you meet me, that I am one of the most cool headed guys you are ever going to see in your life, and I will do the same if I feel that our opinions and objectives are split. One more thing, if there is ever a malfunction in your gadgets especially computer then show it to me before bringing a mechanic on board as you might save some dollars and of course give me a treat later.
Before signing off, I would like to tell you that just like you it is going to be a first time experience for me and we tend to make many mistakes and it would be great if we could help each other survive this extraordinary event and make it as memorable for each other as possible.
Your friend,
S. A. a.k.a. Spock
Another secret to success is health(,) and soldiers need to be healthy to win the ordeal, so I would prefer that we always be on schedule and devise appropriate time for rest and sleep. Yes, I know I sound like Spock from 'Star Trek' and to be honest I have a similar personality except that I am more friendly and forgiving.
Other then that, this was a unique approach to this supplement. Please like my comment if it's appropriate please.
If you see a South Asian guy wearing a back pack full of books and wearing a FC Barcelona shirt and soccer shoes, looks neat and tidy, and seems to just have taken a shower then stop right there because you have found me.
parallelism is working against you in this sentence. for example, you are saying "wearing" but change to "looks" and "seems". Either change them into "looking" and "seeming" or change "wearing" to "who wears". I hope you understand what I'm trying to say.
but other than that, i think this is a very unique and interesting essay! I love it!
Good luck!! and plz help with mine? the intellectual vitality one?
Thanks for replying guys, much appreciated.
I will have a look at yours karizma101.
Thanks Again guys.
Anything else guys? im sure it can still be improved. any suggestion are welcome and don't worry i will help you back.
Your letter is really unique, it catches my attention. However, I think it is a little wordy. Try to take off some words without changing the meaning of the essay. Also, try not to make your sentences too long. Good job :)
After reading your essay, I can see that you're a person that value sports and studies. You also voice out your opinions too. I think it's very captivating.
Also, try not to use "and" more than two times in a sentence.
Good luck =)
Hi :)
The essence of this essay is definitely creative and fresh. With that being said, i believe it would do the essay more justice if you maintain the consistency of your "army/star trek/conqueror" theme through out the essay. All the best :)
If you see a South Asian guy wearing a back pack full of books and wearing, a FC Barcelona shirt and soccer shoes, looks neat and tidy, and seems to just have taken a shower, then stop right there because you have found me.
The reason for the attire, as you might have guessed, is that as much as I love learning new things I can't live without sports, Sports isare what fuels my body and keeps me fresh and going and at night I don't mind a few sessions on the gaming console.
Too many "and" here. Maybe you can change it into two sentences.
Another secret to success is health and s Soldiers need to be healthy to win the ordeal, so I would prefer that we always be on schedule and devise appropriate time for rest and sleepwork and rest would be better?
You essay is really interesting !
If you can use less "and" to connect sentences, it will be easier for reader to understand.
Good luck!
a well written essay
Awesome essay! Your first sentence is a bit wordy , and you are missing some commas in the body of the essay. I think everyone has covered all of the tweak-possible parts. Good luck!
