Hello, Please make any necessary grammatical/spelling corrections, word or phrase changes, or any feedback at all, no matter how blunt it may sound it will be appreciated. Thanks.
Prompt. Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are?
My greatest accomplishment thus far has been conquering the obstacles that I encountered between my childhood and adulthood. These experiences directly influenced the way in which I've taken initiative as a medic in response to a bombing in Israel.
I was raised a mindless-sheep-of-the-flock in the depths of a deeply judgmental religious community in New York where secular education was not valued. Anyone who didn't belong to this particular community and share our beliefs was not to be associated with. When I was 12 my mother moved me from this cult-like sect to Southern-California, where culturally I was a foreigner. Although my upbringing had programmed me to hate and fear those who opposed outsiders, the struggles and challenges I endured in adapting to life in California helped to guide me away from this destructive mentality. The 6 years I spent in California catching up on years lost from my childhood, led me to become an independent thinker. As a result, I have gained the ability to adapt to any setting in which I am placed or circumstance which I am faced with, as well as be open without judgment to people of all colors and backgrounds.
For the first 12 years of my life I never related with those who weren't Jewish, and was brainwashed to judge them as heretical. I attended a traditional yeshiva, where learning biblical history and obeying ancient laws took priority over mathematics, science, English, and athletics. However, things began to change when my mother fled me to California, before I was psychologically or academically ready. From then on, my life was centered on a constant social and academic challengeïputting myself through nearly unbearable circumstances and adapting to the point of accomplishment. I started in a school similar to the one I had left in New York. Each year thereafter I switched to a school more secular and pluralistic than the previous. I challenged myself intellectually, and in tenth grade evolved into an academic and socially success. Although difficult and frightening at first, I was associatingïeven becoming friendsïwith people who weren't Jewish.
My private-school education culminated into spending the last two years of high school at a United-States top 200 ranked public school. Although I anticipated an indescribable culture-shock similar to that of my initial move to California, I assimilated beautifully into the public school culture. I constantly challenged myself academically by taking honors and AP courses and succeeding, as well as socially by making lifelong friends with people who are and aren't Jewish. The culmination of my journey is marked by my response as a medic in Israel to a bombing. Because of Israel's daily struggle against terrorism, a reported explosion is always assumed a terrorist attack. When we first arrive to the scene we are unsure who the victims are. But whether they are Muslims or Jews, terrorists or their victims, my experiences have taught me that all life has value and people should be treated equally. All being products of our environments, we have the potential to rise above any prejudice or hate we are taught as childrenïto act as not Jews, Muslims, Christians, or Hindus ... but humans, who share a planet and have more in common than we realize.
I am proud of who I have become and how I responded to the bombing. I can see the person that I could have become had I not made a concerted effort to learn to abandon the hate I grew up with. Had I not endured the struggles of assimilating to life outside of the lifestyle I had been born into, I may not have responded in the same manner. Instead I may have checked the faces of the casualties, and judged whether or not to treat based on nothing but their appearance.
This is some great writing, well thought out and interesting. What a powerful essay, great story and wonderful person you are.
and was brainwashed into judging them as heretical.
However, things began to change when my mother fled with me to...
...and in tenth grade evolved into an academic and social success.
stay in the proper tense;
When we first arrived on the scene, we were unsure who the victims were. But whether they were Muslims or Jews, terrorists or their victims, my experiences have taught me that all life has value and people should be treated equally.
Well, right from your first sentence you show that you are talking about an accomplishment, and I think that is good. I think you should add a sentence to the end of the 1st para, though, to simply name the main challenges -- you know? You can list them in a new last sentence that you add on to the end of that 1st paragraph.
