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My consciousness was shaken in 2005 October ; Different world


AryanK 5 / 20 3  
Dec 17, 2012   #1
Prompt:Please briefly elaborate on one of your extracurricular activities or work experiences in the space below (1000 character maximum).

Growing up in a close-knit family with privileges, I viewed the world to be very different. The life for me was about studying really hard, achieving better grades, reading favourite novels at night and playing blithely with friends yet I was unaware of the harsh realities and difficulties of outside world. My consciousness was shaken in 2005 October when an earth quake destroyed many happy lives, turned beautiful cities and towns in to flatten and wrecked debris, of course it was very sorrowful for me at that time. I joined a non- profit organization just at the age of 11 to help the sufferers. During all this time I closely observed the vigour and patience of our people; it was not only inspiring but also heart breaking. Their courage and hope had a great impact on my personality and belief. Now I believe that world is like a teacher, caring and loving but strict when giving lessons those who take it for granted suffer while those who learn it by heart always succeed.

Please help me with it..look for grammatical errors.
OP AryanK 5 / 20 3  
Dec 18, 2012   #2
The smile that would make my day, the prayers that would fill me with hope and the eyes that would always welcome me; it was an incredible and an indescribable experience of my life just at the age of eleven. I was compelled to join the non-profit organization that worked to bring relief to the distressed earth quake victims of October 2005. I learnt a lot being the part of an organization; independence, self confidence and sense of accomplishment that came through my work, dedication, and volunteering have shaped me as an individual and a citizen. The joy that I had on every success during fund raising, aid distribution, and consoling sessions with the young kids of my age was phenomenal. I was scolded, guided and taught while all this and of course this moulded me in to a positive and courageous person. I continue working with the organization and I always find myself experiencing the delightful work.

Please help with your opinions...check grammar pls
diabatem 5 / 32  
Dec 18, 2012   #3
The smile that would make my day, the prayers that would fill me with hope and the eyes that would always welcome me;

rephrase the portion, maybe you could say, The smiles I saw, the prayers I heard, the hope I felt....

learnt

Learned

being

about being

I learnt a lot being the part of an organization; independence, self confidence and sense of accomplishment that came through my work, dedication, and volunteering have shaped me as an individual and a citizen.

make this sentence more concise

had on every success during fund raising

the joy I experienced during every successful fundraiser,

with the young kids of my age was phenomenal.

Reword this portion. It makes the sentence unclear. Maybe separate this the idea into two sentences.

I was scolded, guided and taught while all this and of course

Through the course of experience, I was molded into a positive and courageous person.

I continue working with the organization and I always find myself experiencing the delightful work.

As a result, I have continued working with this organization.
OP AryanK 5 / 20 3  
Dec 19, 2012   #4
diabatem : Thanks a lot your feed back has really helped. I ll make changes to it. Can you explain me a little that what do you mean by "being" "learnt" I mean I did not understand what to do with it?
diabatem 5 / 32  
Dec 19, 2012   #5
you used the wrong tense of the word. Where you stated learnt it should have been learned, and where the word being was you needed to add about in front of it.
OP AryanK 5 / 20 3  
Dec 19, 2012   #6
Thanks a lot for your critique and time. Your remarks are helpful. I ll work on it and improve the essay. Thanks once again and best of luck! Your writing skills are good :)


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