Hey everyone,
I'm trying to transfer schools and I would really appreciate if some people could give me some feedback/critique on my essay. I've had some people read my essay but I just want to get as many opinions as possible. Thanks!
Prompt:
* Tell us about your college career to date, describing your performance, educational path and choices.
* Explain any situations that may have had a significant positive or negative impact on your academic progress and or curricular choices. If you transferred multiple times, had a significant break in your education, or changed career paths, explain.
* What are the specific reasons you wish to leave your most recent college/university and/or program of study
* Tell us about your intended major and career aspirations.
* Are you prepared to enter your intended major at this time? If not, describe your plans for preparing for the major. What led you to choose this major? If you are still undecided, why? What type of career are you most likely to pursue after finishing your education?
* How will the UW help you attain your academic, career, and/or personal goals?
* Thoughtfully describe the ways in which culture has had an impact on your life and what you have learned about yourself and society as a result. How has your own cultural history enriched and/or challenged you?
NOTE: Culture may be defined broadly. Cultural understanding is often drawn from the ethnic background, customs, values, and ideas of a person's immediate family, community, and/or social environment in which they live.
Essay:
During the end of March of my senior year in high school, I was contemplating my various options for college. I was thinking about attending Michigan State University or Western Washington University but was not quite sure. At that time, I didn't get an enrollment response from the U of M, and to be honest, I did not think I would be able to enroll into such a prestigious school. However, two weeks later, the U of M sent me an e-mail saying that I had been accepted into the college of LSA! Without sitting down and considering my options, I immediately declined admission from the other schools I had been granted admission too and declared that I would attend the U of M. At that point in my life, I was probably one of the happiest students in the world.
From the moment I stepped on the University of Michigan campus as a freshman, I knew something was wrong. All my other peers displayed enthusiasm and excitement that I could not. My heart told me immediately that I had made a mistake and should have considered enrolling at other colleges. As I conversed with a counselor and some students at freshman orientation, I knew the U of M was not a perfect fit for me. As time went on, I simply could not adjust to the surrounding environment like my peers did. I grew up with all my friends and family in the Seattle area, and it was different not having them by my side. I was disinterested in school, did not set goals for myself, and was unmotivated. Most of my peers had careers goals while I did not. My grades suffered mightily as a result, and I went through a time of sadness and depression. I failed my Intro to Biology course during the first semester of my freshman year, which marked the first time I ever failed any course at any educational institution I have attended. I looked at myself in disgust, knowing that this was not a reflection of my abilities. However, for some strange reason, I still could not change my ways. My failures continued, and I considered dropping out of college.
After my freshman year ended, I had a deep talk with my father. At first, I expected the worst. My father was born and raised in China, and as a result, the Chinese culture had a great influence on me growing up. I was always pressured to achieve A's in all my classes. Anything short of that expectation was to be considered a disappointment. I had to spend a majority of my time studying during my junior high and high school years, and did not spend a lot of time on my social life. Because of these strict cultural expectations, I feared what he would say to me after knowing my grades. As usual, he expressed his severe disappointment towards my academic performance in my freshman year. However, he encouraged me to keep trying and never to give up, no matter what the circumstances might seem to be! This was a complete aberration in behavior. In the past, whenever I achieved poor results in school, my father would scold me, saying I didn't try hard enough. I never received words of encouragement from my father before. This act of encouragement sparked motivation in me that I never had during my first year in college. I suddenly realized that I was making excuses and should have tried harder, regardless of the situation. Although the change in the environment did not help, it is not an excuse to under perform in my school work. Furthermore, I also realized that I should have handled my situation better, as an adult and as a professional. I changed my habits and attitude towards the university and my school work. I made improvements in my grades, raising my GPA back up to respectability.
Due to the fact I have become a more engaged student, I have developed some career goals. Recently, I have developed an interest towards psychology and business. As I explore my possible career options, I know the UW will help me reach my goals because of the school's outstanding psychology and business programs, and its overall dedication to academic excellence.
In retrospect, looking back at my time at the University of Michigan, I can only say that I am disappointed in my performance. I understand that I had a hard time adjusting to the Ann Arbor environment. Since my freshman year, I have made strides towards becoming the student that I expect myself to become. However, I am not satisfied with these marginal improvements. Although I have recently adjusted to the surrounding environment here, I still believe a change in scenery would greatly benefit me. I would like a fresh start just to forget my troubled year here in Ann Arbor. I will live in the Seattle area, where I feel most comfortable. I will have a wonderful opportunity to attend a reputable school that values education. With my refreshed sense of focus and commitment to my schoolwork, I believe I'll make an excellent addition to the University of Washington.
The first sentence is not useful in any way.
During the end of March ... the college of LSA! I can't see any purpose for these sentences.
Without sitting down and considering my options, I immediately declined admission from to the other schools to which I had been granted admission too and declared that I would attend the U of M. At that point in my life, I was probably one of the happiest students in the world.--But I still do not see a purpose for this. I think the essay will be much more interesting if you start here:
From the moment I stepped on the University of Michigan campus as a freshman, I knew something was wrong.---Now THAT is an interesting intro.
All my other peers displayed enthusiasm and excitement that I could not. My heart told me immediately that I had made a mistake and should have considered enrolling at other colleges. As I conversed with a counselor and some students at freshman orientation, I knew the U of M was not a perfect fit for me. As time went on, I simply could not adjust to the surrounding environment like my peers did. I grew had grown up with all my friends and family in the Seattle area, and it was
Recently, I have developed an interest towards psychology and business. ---This is the important part! Do you see how I keep cutting sentences? It is because you are including sentences that do not help. But if you include more sentences about your interest, intentions, and plan, THAT will help a lot. Show that you have a plan.
Ann Arbor environment. --Wow, that is where it is, huh? To tell you the truth, I had trouble adjusting to that environment, too, when I had an apartment in Charlevoix. I don't like it!
Well, you certainly showed that you can write well. Now show that you are reading books and articles about psych and business. Show that you are being proactive. :-)
