Hey, im writing my essay for Carngie Mellon and just finished my first draft and would love any advice i could get. The prompt is
Please submit a one page, single-spaced essay that explains why you have chosen Carnegie Mellon and your particular major(s), department(s) or program(s). This essay should include the reasons why you've chosen the major(s), any goals or relevant work plans and any other information you would like us to know.
I've always considered myself a "math guy". Despite my love for reading, I have always felt drawn to the stem subjects. Whether my analytical mindset led me to enjoy the sciences, or was caused by it, I may never know. What I do know is that I want to find a career that I will enjoy, rather than one I am forced to do, and believe that is engineering. Starting in 9th grade, I enrolled in a series of engineering courses, "Project Lead the Way", where I learned about a wide range of fields from computer design to wind turbines. This is where I first discovered my love for robotics. After extensive research, I finally came to conclusion that the best field for me was electrical engineering. This would allow me to not only potentially enter career in robotics, but it would enable me to satisfy one of my most basic interests, understanding how things work. My plan seemed set in stone by eleventh grade. After high school, I would go to college for electrical engineering, maybe a minor in applied math or physics, and then get a job making robots. But then I decided to take a computer science class.
From day one, I was in love. From how logical and simple everything was structured in programming to the amazing things I was learning how to do in Java, I enjoyed it all. To further my interest, I enrolled in an independent study for computer science, which allowed me to develop tangible projects, such as an android application, that only furthered my desire to pursue computer science further. But now, I had a problem, because I felt as if I had to choose between computer science and engineering. I had debated between every possible combination of dual majors and majors and minor pairs. That is, until I learned about computer engineering. During an information panel on a college visit, I was introduced to computer engineering. It was described to me as the cross section of a Venn diagram between electrical engineering and computer science, and my eyes light up. It seemed as if this major had been hand designed for me.
For me, I first learned about Carnegie Mellon through a colleges.usnews ranking. In 11th grade, I was just beginning my search for colleges and looked up the best engineering schools in the country and naturally found Carnegie Mellon among the top. While this peaked my interest, I placed in on my list of "reach schools" and moved on. However, the more I learned about the school, the more it captured my attention. I was especially drawn in by the rigor of the academics, and the importance that they hold in the university, as opposed to some schools that loose that focus to sports and other events. I have always enjoyed school and excelled whenever I am really challenged, and I see the strength of the academia, as well as being surrounded by likeminded and dedicated students who are also attracted to such a university as a place that I could not only enjoy, but call home. Not only can I connect with my colleagues, but the vast networking available through alumni and respect for the university will help be thrive in the future.
In addition to the strong academics and alumni, I feel drawn to the ability to do research as an undergrad, a task that was emphasized during my visit. While I have elaborate dreams of becoming an amazing engineer who will create a wave of autonomous robots that work anywhere from driving to physical labor, I realize that I really have no idea what kind of career I have in twenty, fifteen, or even ten years from now. The research opportunism offered at CMU not only provide exciting projects to work on, but will help me decide what I want to spend the rest of my life doing. Specifically, the "Games with a purpose" project caught my eye. While I am by no means an avid video game player, I do enjoy them, and believe that they can have an educational benefit; Duo lingo, for example, is a great app that I use which is working to teach everyone a second language, and was coincidentally developed by CMU alum. The ability to work on innovative research, such as this one, "to the moon", and more was one of the biggest features that drew me to Carnegie Mellon because I want to contribute to something significant during my time at college, not just learn something that can be gleamed from a textbook, and the best way I can see that happening is with the research projects and resources that would be available at Carnegie Mellon. From the excellent academics, the available networking, and innovative beyond, and has earned its place as my top choice of colleges.
Thanks in advance for any help :)
Michael, the first part of your essay is all word filler and fluff designed to make the essay longer than it should be because you do not have much to say in terms of why you chose your major and Carnegie Mellon. You should not have placed the mandatory information at the end of the essay. That is never done because that is the information that the reviewer always wants to read first. While he is interested in your background, he is more interested to learn about the information the prompt requires of you.
It will be best for your essay if you revise the essay by making the following modification, bring up the following statement to your opening paragraph:
I first learned about Carnegie Mellon through a colleges.usnews ranking. In 11th grade, I was just beginning my search for colleges and looked up the best engineering schools in the country and naturally found Carnegie Mellon among the top... From the excellent academics, the available networking, and innovative beyond, and has earned its place as my top choice of colleges."
Then follow up with the information about any goals or relevant work plans that will relate to your time as a student at CMU. Save the information about your background for a more relevant prompt. I am sure one will come along :-) For now, concentrate on just delivering the short form of your essay, based upon the instructions provided by the university in writing the essay.
Michael, you should definitely remove the first two paragraphs and replace them. However, you should only replace it with information that will be considered as relevant to the prompt by the reviewer. When I referred to your original promot and the original essay, I came to the conclusion that your essay will be best strengthened by a reference to the 2 points in the prompt that are currently not represented.
Write a paragraph that deals with the reason why you wish to become a "Mathematician". Talk about Math as you understand it to be in terms of theory and application at the moment and what you hope to learn at CMU along these lines. Then open a new paragraph where you can discuss your views as a future mathematician and how you see the role of math evolving in terms of technological application and such in the near future. Finally, close the essay with your own description who you will be in the future after you graduate from CMU. What kind of mathematician will you be? What kind of groundbreaking math development would you like to be able to pursue as a professional? Or maybe, you plan on having solved one of the unsolvable math questions by then. Make your future sound highly exciting and bright :-)
Remember, you can fill a whole page, single space. So you don't have to limit yourself to replacing just 2 paragraphs. Be as thorough as possible while discussing the prompt requirements. Take the time to edit what you previously wrote if possible. That is how you perfect your application essay :-)
