I would be great if someone comment & correct grammar //// especially my essay...the word limit is 200 but mine is 251...please please help...:(
am I answering the question? I think I got astray....
Which aspects of Tufts' curriculum or undergraduate experience prompt your application? In short: "Why Tufts?"
Tufts is the place where my academic interest in psychology can be satisfied. The numerous internships offered to the department of psychology and abundant research opportunities would not only fulfill my curiosity but also promote my intellectual pursuit to wholly prepare for my future career. (45words)
(do you think I need to elaborate more? I don't feel like I am reflecting the advice I got on my essay...)
Self-identity and personal expression take many forms. Use the richness of your life to give us insight: Who are you? (199words!!! Yeah~~~)
I met my best friend when I was in sixth grade. We spent a lot of time together. However, as time went by, my friend began to distant me. She said that she did not like me because my fingers were pudgy and short. I was petrified. Nevertheless, my love for dear friend outweighed the disappointment that I felt.
I could not elongate my fingers, but I tried my best for my friend to like me. One day, too preoccupied to suit my friend's appetite, I did not realize that there were blisters on my fingers. Though physically in pain, I continued. And, my efforts finally paid off; I was playing most of musical scores and I was selected as a flute soloist for the school concert.
I am a hard worker. However, there are times that I just want to give up because my fingers are short to hold flute properly or my feet are flat to run well for the school sports. But I try because I do not want to regret in the future that I have not tried my best. I want to live my life with full passion because those efforts integrate my identity.
I can't really change anything in your first short answer because of the 50 word limit. Here is my advice,instead of listing a bunch of items, focus on a few things and elaborate on it if possible.
The second essay is somewhat unclear. You should make it more concise.
For instance "She was beautiful and all my other friends were envious of me being with her" doesn't really add much to your essay.
Good luck!
Well, for my essay I revised a little and shortened to 222 words...but I still need a major help...any suggestions?? anyone??
I met my best friend when I was in sixth grade. She was beautiful and my other friends were envious of our friendship. We spent a lot of time together and our music never ceased. However, as time went by, we grew apart. She was ashamed of my short, pudgy fingers and she told me she didn't want to be with me. My whole body was consumed with a feeling of betrayal. Nevertheless, my love for my dear friend outweighed the disappointment I felt.
...
Hi.
I made some changes that I felt were necessary.
I hope this doesn't sound mean because thats not my intention
but I feel that the entire part about your best friend is irrelevant
the essay is about you trying to succeed at playing the flute and
becoming the number 1 soloist and the friend thing doesn't relate to the
music thing at all.
I would advise you to take the best friend thing out and focus on the flute and how you have learned that through working hard and perseverance you can overcme certain barriers (your short fingers and people putting you down) and can succeed. I dont like the last line either because its kind of cheesy. But please focus on the content of your essay as of right now.
It has an awesome amount of potential.
just respond to this on the page and ill do what i can.
see if you can check out my essays.
thanks and good luck
For your first essay I strongly suggest focusing on one of the aspects that you mentioned and elaborating on it. The word limit is pretty short which would be perfect to discuss one thing you really look forward to at Tufts. Do some research on their website and look up some teachers or some of their programs and write a short 50 words about it. Mentioning numerous things in such a short amount isnt the best idea, in my opinion. Really try to find one thing and FOCUS on it.
Thanks to those who commented////God bless you all
well...I revised a little...but I still need more advice and comments...please! any comments?
well, I shortened my essay to 199words but the problem is that I don't feel confident about my essay...comments are really appreciated!!!!!!!!!
if you're sending your stuff over the net you don't have to make it less than 50 words or 200 words exactly
they have 500 and 2000 letters limit on the net so you should be able to write much more than what you have now.
good luck i'm applying too and am working on that one lol
thanks zowzow/// really appreciate it
hope you do well on your college search//
anyone who could comment on my revised version?
I
Which aspects of Tufts' curriculum or undergraduate experience prompt your application? In short: "Why Tufts?"
Tufts is the place where my academic interest in psychology can be satisfied. The numerous internships offered to the department of psychology and abundant research opportunities would not only fulfill my curiosity but also promote my intellectual pursuit to wholly prepare for my future career.
I think that this has to be more specific. What makes Tufts different from any other school that offers internships to psychology majors? try to be more specific? (;
About the other one, it seems like you're being condescending on yourself... );
There are also a lot of sentences that seem a little robotic..
"I met my best friend when I was in sixth grade. We spent a lot of time together. "
"However, as time went by, my friend began to distant me."
Maybe "my friend began to outgrow me"? or "my friend became distant"
"One day, too preoccupied to suit my friend's appetite, I did not realize that there were blisters on my fingers. Though physically in pain, I continued."
You said that you didn't realize that you have blisters, but that you were in physical pain? If you were in pain, wouldn't you check out to see what was wrong?
"However, there are times that I just want to give up because my fingers are short to hold flute properly or my feet are flat to run well for the school sports."
This part makes you seem really harsh on yourself, like there are many parts of yourself that you don't like. Also, the part about your feet is kind of irrelevant because you're talking about your fingers and then, all of a sudden, you talk about your feet...
Sorry, if these are a little harsh, but i feel you. My fingers... HAHAHAHAA. i always ended up getting the "bad" korean genes.. Oh well. Good luck on your essay! (;
please take my advice and do not say DISTANT ME
say we grew apart
or
we grew distant
Thank you Candaaceee and procrastination for the comments...I really started to hate my essay:( but I have no time rewriting them...I'm so stressed but here's another revised version...
Required short answers(50words)
Which aspects of Tufts' curriculum or undergraduate experience prompt your application? In short: "Why Tufts?"
Tufts' internship offers through Experimental College will not only give valuable lessons that I cannot learn through textbooks but also give an opportunity to glimpse the real world. The people who have walked different paths than mine will give insights understanding people to help me prepare for my future career.
Self-identity and personal expression take many forms. Use the richness of your life to give us insight: Who are you? (200words)
I met my best friend when I was twelve. We spent a lot of time together. However, as time went by, my friend began to outgrow me. She said that she hated my fingers because they were pudgy and short. I was petrified. Nevertheless, my love for dear friend outweighed the disappointment that I felt.
I could not elongate my fingers, but I tried my best for my friend to like me. One day, too preoccupied to suit my friend's appetite, I did not realize that there were blisters on my fingers. Although physically in pain, I continued. And, my efforts finally paid off; I was playing most of musical scores easily on my flute.
I am a hard worker. However, there are times that I just want to give up by making excuses such as my short fingers are not apt to hold flute properly or my flat feet are unsuitable for me to run well for the school sports. However I try regardless of those handicaps because I do not want to regret in the future that I have not tried my best. I want to live my life with full passion because those efforts integrate my identity.
I would really appreciate if you guys could make comments on these too
I don't think your comments are harsh because my essay really suck;;;;
thank you in advance!
I think the beginning is too unclear. I was confused as to why your friend disliked your fingers, but as I read I could see that it had something to do with a flute. I just don't think it sounds too great. You either should explain why your friend didn't like your fingers, was she also a flute player? Or you should just take her out of it all together.
Hope I helped! Good luck!!!
well, my best friend in my essay is my flute...I personified my flute as my best friend and hoped the readers could guess while reading my essay...thanks for the comment//I will take your advice to clear things up// oh, could you comment on my short answer too?
OH okay, now I see. That's very creative! I really like the idea, just try to make it more clear.
will not only give valuable lessons that I cannot learn through textbooksthis is kind of awkward maybe something like "will not only allow me to learn through traditional academic methods" or "will not only teach me book smarts"
but also give an opportunity to glimpse the real worldthis is also slightly awkward, you should use either opportunity or glimpse separately but not together for example "give me an opportunity to see the real world" or "give me a glimpse into the real world
The people who have walked different paths than mine will give insightsme insight
this sentence should be reworded, it's hard to follow and doesn't flow very well
understanding people to help me prepareinto my future career.
I hope this helped! :)
ok now i get it that you said that.
um...
i think you need to clarify the part about your best friend being your flute because that is still unclear if i think of anything ill let you know.
but as for the other aspects of your essay
when you say "Nevertheless, my love for dear friend" in the first paragraph, you should add "my" after "for" and before "dear"
and when you say "but I tried my best for my friend to like me" in the second paragraph, i think you should say "but I tried my best to gain her approval"
when you say "was playing most of musical scores" at the end of the second paragraph, you should say "was playing most of the musical scores"
when you say "short fingers are not apt to hold flute" in the third paragraph , i think you should say "short fingers are not apt to hold the flute"
when you say "for me to run well for the school sports" in the third paragraph, i think you should say "for me be athletic"
when you say "I have not tried my best" in the third paragrpah, i think you should say "I didnt try my best"
when you say "I want to live my life with full passion" in the third paragraph, i think you shoud say "I want to live a life of passion"
it sounds awkward when you say "those efforts integrate my identity" instead you should say "those efforts integrate all aspects of my identity" but regardless that part is really awkward.
it sounds awkward when you say "too preoccupied to suit my friend's appetite" i dont have any suggestions i just dont think that appetite is the best word you could use.
but the idea is definately creative there are just some syntax problems that make the essay unclear and some grammar errors but i strongly suggest you take some of my advice because this has potential to be awesome!
just dont forget that you need to make the beginning with your friend being the flute much moer clear because it is confusing.
Thank you Thank you piggytails626 and procrastination(especial thanks to YOU!)
The comments really helped. I revised and it sounds a bit clear; I literally memtioned flute as my best friend
Best wishes on your college essays and happy new year!!!!!!!!!!!!!
hey kim1234
how do i remove any a post?
oh, you can ask kelvin or other contributers to remove them
in my case, I didn't ask but they just removed since I had the revised version
but I'm not sure if they remove the thread entirely/////
well, I hope this helped...best wishes with your college essays !
