Never content with an "easy answer" - CMU commonapp supplement essay

Hi, everyone. I have just written this essay for CMU's supplement, but I can find no one to give advices. So here I am looking for suggestions. Please don't hesitate to tear this essay apart and make changes to it. Thanks a million for your time and helps!

Prompt:Please submit a One-page, single-spaced essay that explains why you have chosen Carnegie Mellon and your particular major(s) or program(s).
This essay should include the reasons why you've chosen the major(s), any goals or relevant work plans and any other information you would like us t know. If you are applying to more than one college or program, please mention each college or program to which you are applying.

Because our admission committees review applicants by college and programs, your essay can impact our final decision. Please do not exceed one page for this essay.

Instead of college guides or Internet, it is Professor Randy Pausch's "Last Lecture" that first brought the name "Carnegie Mellon University" to me. While listening to his lecture, I was laughing at his jokes, weeping because of his optimistic attitude towards life, as well as thinking about my own childhood dreams. At that moment, I strongly realized, CMU is my dream

Never content with an "easy answer", I never settled with any statements until all the proofs and analysis has been presented. A typical "daydreamer", I spend hours coming up with crazy ideas and searching for their possibilities. Yet growing up in a traditional Chinese family, I am expected to be quiet, hardworking, and follow the words of seniorities without asking "why", thus I have always been scolded for my countless whims and questions. As a university that offers innovative classes that a student will never find elsewhere and a university that gives students full support with their research and investigation, CMU is the kind of place that I have always been dreaming for. CMU is the place where I can hold onto my curiosity and creativeness, the place where I have the freedom to let my thoughts go wild and even let them come true, the place where I can pursue the truths, without any impedance.

Born and raised in a town suffering from severe industrial pollution, I strongly feel the responsibility of restoring the beauty of my hometown. Nanshan, the coastal community in which I live for 18 years, does not deserve to be stained by the black rain resulting from pollutants mixing with raindrops. Its diligent residents ought not to live under the fear of cancer, either. I firmly believe in a balance between development and sustainability, I wish to contribute my power in dealing with the contamination in my hometown, and chemistry, I believe, is the best approach for me to achieve such goal. CMU has one of the best chemistry majors in the country, and it offers students great research opportunities, close interactions with some of the best professors in the field, advanced laboratory facilities, as well as a flexible curriculum. I am eagerly looking forward to enroll in CMU, being in the Green Chemistry class and conducting a research on environmental-friendly energies, as I believe that CMU is the best place for me not just to advance my knowledge, but also to find the solution that can save my hometown from contaminations.

Besides its remarkable academic reputation, the strong cohesion in CMU's school community also attracts me. In his speech, Professor Randy Pausch mentioned that students and faculties of all departments, and even the headmaster came to his exhibition day, even though he was just a new faculty member back in that time. This warm welcome did not only move professor Pausch, but also touched me as his audience. Being an international student who pursue education thousands of miles away from home, a sense of belonging will definitely help me to adapt to my school life and let me to study with full passion and focus; and CMU, a university with such strong community spirit, can always make me feel like home, a sweet home that I would never want to leave.

Although I may not have been fascinated by CMU for the entire 18 years of my life, as some of my contemporaries might be, my love of this university is no doubt, one of the strongest. I regarded CMU not only as a place of academic fulfillment, but also a considerate and warm family that I dream to join in and contribute to.

^Id just like to point out, that if this is true, then this is fine. However, if this is your way of being 'unique', the Randy Pausch angle is not unique. Also, from what I remember, Randy Paush's speech does not endorse Carnegie Mellon's educational values or what the college offers. My memory may have failed me, but I remember the speech to be more concerned with a philosophy on life and how it should be lived.


^Well, there are grammar errors here but let me comment on your content. I do not see why you would weep at an optimistic attitude to life. How did you suddenly realize that CMU is your dream? Is it to do with you having reflected on your childhood dreams? You did not know of Carnegie Mellon until you heard this speech, apparently..


^Given your past tense of the verb 'settle', does this mean that this no longer applies?


^What do you mean, by a crazy idea? Especially if you are a day dreamer? I would have thought that a crazy day dream was riding a unicorn and finding a pot of gold. I would not search for a possibility, because such fantasies are generally impossible. (It may be possible. No one has disproved the existence of unicorns to my knowledge)


^Its just an undergraduate degree that you are applying for. Its unlikely that with just an undergrad qualification. There are people with more knowledge and experience who are trying to work on solutions out there...


^I do not see why you would want to make it clear that you were not fascinated by CMU. What makes you so sure that your love is the strongest?

Your essay has a number of evident grammatical errors that need to be corrected.
In terms of content, there can be improvements if you want this essay to be stronger.

Liebe, thank you very much for all the comments. As I said before, it's just a rough draft, and I will try to improve it.^v^

P.S: It is true that I knew almost nothing about CMU before I heard that speech...:P

Good idea, Faisal! I did not think of talking out those unnecessary words at the start. I agree:
It was Professor Randy Pausch's "Last Lecture" that first brought the name "Carnegie Mellon University" to me.

While listening to his lecture, I was laughing at his jokes, weeping because of his optimistic attitude towards life, as well as thinking about my own childhood dreams. At that moment, I strongly realized, CMU is my dream ---> before going on to paragraph 2, let the reader know the main idea of the essay. And that first paragraph with a sentence about the theme of the essay.

:-)