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'continue to try until I succeed' - Personal Statement Prompt 2


mnhere 1 / -  
Nov 4, 2011   #1
Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution, or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are?

Sometimes it takes a lot of motivation to do or continue something, and I know exactly what that is like. It has been a little more than six years that I have been attending Westminster Music School for piano lessons, and within those six years, I have considered the option to quit many times; yet, I still haven't. The simplest things have kept me going, such as a feeling of accomplishment, a trophy, a diploma, and friends.

As part of the curriculum, my piano school participates in the National Guild of Piano Auditions where students play a certain number of pieces in front of a judge and are scored; their score then determines whether or not they are able to advance to the next level. Auditions happen annually during the summer. I have been a participant of the National Guild Auditions since 2007 and am now a candidate for a High School Piano Diploma. As I look back to my first years of piano lessons, I would not have thought I would come this far. I initially planned to quit once I am able to play complex pieces, but I have not because I want to continue to learn and become more advanced. After receiving a medal for passing my first audition, my goal was to receive a trophy for the next one. Unfortunately, as the next year came along, I was rewarded with a medal once again, but I had yet to quit. Discouraged, I decided that I would stop taking lessons if I do not win a trophy for my next audition, which would be my third one. Throughout the year, I practiced as much as I could and tried my best, or so I thought, but it turned out that I thought wrong, three medals. How many medals would I get before I am rewarded a trophy? I was quite saddened and had the urge to quit but I also had the urge to keep trying. Eventually, I decided to continue my piano course because a simple trophy motivated me to keep going. As my fourth year of auditions came along, I thought I had a high chance of receiving a trophy because I believed that I played my pieces better than the previous year. Although my scores did improve compared to the year prior, I still did not win a trophy. As discouraged as I felt, I did not want to give up, especially since I knew that a piano diploma is just two years away. Finally, for my fifth year participating in the piano auditions, I received a trophy for 'best progress' instead of a medal! My excitement cannot even be explained; I was so relieved knowing that all that time and effort I have put in was worth it. Now, as I prepare for my upcoming audition to graduate with a piano diploma, I look forward to graduating with my two other friends as planned a few years ago.

As I continue to grow, I learn to keep trying and to never give up doing something that is difficult to achieve because there is always a reward in the end. I am prepared to face any obstacles thrown at me in college; I am not the type of person who relinquishes as a result of failure. I continue to try until I succeed. I have realized that even if a person fails, it is better knowing that effort was put in rather than having failure as a result of quitting.
Ellis - / 10  
Nov 5, 2011   #2
Sometimes it takes a lot of motivation to do or continue something, and I know exactly what that is like.

RUN ON.

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I have attended Westminster Music School for piano lessons for six years , and within those six years, I have considered quitting many times. Yet, I still haven't.

There were so many grammatical errors in this sentence..
In the last sentence, I deleted "still" because it sounds as if you might quit in the future.

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The simplest things have kept me going, such as a feelings of accomplishment, recievinga trophiesand diplomas , and gaining friends.

Major error:

such as a feeling of accomplishment, a trophy, a diploma, and friends.

In this fragment, you are stating that you perservered because you had a FEELING of accomplishment, a FEELING of a trophy, a FEELING of a diploma, and a FEELING of friends.

You NEED to use a different verb for each of those [aside from Trophy and Diploma].

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As part of its curriculum, my piano school participates in the National Guild of Piano Auditions where students play musical pieces in front of a judge and are scored. Their score then determines whether or not they are able to advance to the next level.

----

And this is where I stopped reading.

I am able to get a sense of what you are trying to say, but there are too many grammatical errors.
Furthermore, your essay is not very well organized.
The last sentences of each paragraph should connect with the beginning of the next.

I would recommend asking for help from an English teacher.


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