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Who you are and how you could contribut to Boston University Admissions essay


NickJ 1 / 3  
Dec 12, 2009   #1
here is my bu admissions essay...ive tried writing it four times, and submitting it to english teachers at my high school as only prompted me to try again and again...im trying a new method of revision here and appreciate all the help! thanks!

the question is In an essay of 500 words or less, select 3 words that describe who you are and how those traits/characteristics can contribute to the BU community...my essay is about 530 words...

Nicholas John Marini; the three words that can best describe who I am. To slap a few adjectives next to the name is not the most meaningful way to depict my character, and I think they will do a better job of symbolizing the numbness of our everyday life than a way to describe me. To become somebody that loves what they do, and can make a difference in others' lives through what they do is what Nicholas John Marini is all about, and I will bring that passion no matter where I go. So many times, I have been asked questions about myself that require me to look at who I am from 'the inside out', and too many times, I have seen a person that has fallen into the machine of persevering monotony. I work hard for this, I train hard for that, I achieve it, smile, and move on, setting newer, higher goals for myself. However, I have been able to find the time during the constant brigade of hard work to look at myself, where I am going, and who I want to become. Every time I do so, all answers point toward being happy.

When we set out higher goals in life, many times, they include more money. We assume that when we achieve these goals, and more money comes, we will be happier. This is usually where we seem to enslave ourselves in the 'to-do' list of life; strive for extra work to qualify ourselves for the promotion, work overtime for the new Lexus, work a holiday for time and a half so we can go on that cruise. Here, all we are doing is separating ourselves from what really makes us happy for things we assume will eventually make us happy. Then, once we achieve that goal, a new one arises quickly enough to forget what we just accomplished. This vicious cycle of effort and empty success shields us from who we really are. When asked the three words or characteristics that best describe me, I found it hard to separate myself from three common esteemed adjectives. In order to see who I really was, I had to look deeper than what Merriam-Webster had to offer.

I can tell you that Nicholas John Marini is a young man who often dreams beyond the worth of money, a young man who rather dreams of using his depth of person to help others. My passionate character leads me to places that foster individuality, community, and accomplishment all at the same time. I want to go to a place where I can be myself, be successful, and help others at the same time. I can bring passion, perception, and enthusiasm to this place of learning and knowledge. I am certain that after leaving this place, I will be prepared, and I will be able to say I contributed all I could. When I move on, I will find happiness in substance, a happiness that will come from a license to help others, both physically and mentally, back to a health where they too can realize what it is in their life that can bring their own happiness. Nicholas John Marini will be a happy physical therapist, dedicated to bringing fulfillment back in patients lives.

thanks again!!!
allathlete5 5 / 19  
Dec 12, 2009   #2
Great introspection in the essay.
It's a great essay, and couldn't find many grammar mistakes...
The only thing i'd question is the going back and forth from 3rd person to 1st. But that could just be me. I dont think i've ever seen anyone write like that.
hern255 13 / 48  
Dec 12, 2009   #3
Very impressive!

Only one suggestion, the repetition in this sentence is awkward.
Here, all we are doing is separating ourselves from what really makes us happy for things we assume will eventually make us happy.
You should try to say it in other words. There's definitely a better way of saying that.

But, in general, is really good!
Good luck!
TBONESTEAK33 1 / 3  
Dec 12, 2009   #4
That is a great take on the essay. I find it very original to use your name as the three words. Some might think it's too obvious, but I truly think that the best way to describe yourself and make sure that you are truly unique is to go with something no one else could use, therefore your own name. The only thing I would avoid, as someone else said, is switching between first and third person. Remember, the essay is about you. Embrace that. I also like the part with the Lexus in it. As a car-adorer, I try to include as much as I can about cars in my essay within reason. If you have any particular interest that you feel makes you stand out on a personal level, don't be afraid to reflect that in any of your college essays. I wrote my entire common app choice essay about how much I love cars, and connected that to my most defining qualities.
OP NickJ 1 / 3  
Dec 12, 2009   #5
thank you for your response...i know what you mean with the third person, ill definitely revise that. i appreciate the feedback...and about the cars, i know exactly what you mean. I'm a 'car-adorer' myself, and intentionally added in that piece because of my interest...thanks!
cpeel12 1 / 1  
Dec 20, 2009   #6
Your essay is great. Once again, the only thing I would recommend is revising the first/third person. I've been trying to write the same essay since October, and it's killing me!


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