1. An overview of your educational and life experiences;
2. What you plan to do after completing your education;
3. Why you wish to return (or not return) to your home
country;
4. Description of ways you have positively impacted your
community.
"Never give up" were the last words my grandfather spoke to me before he passed away when I was 5.
Since then, I remember those words every time I face failure. My grandfather named me "Serdar" which means "leader". He hoped I will be a leader and make an impact on our community. I fully intend to honor his final wish for me.
In April, 2011, I got a call from American Councils saying that I was a finalist in the Future Leaders Exchange Program (FLEX). The FLEX Program provides scholarships for high school students from Eurasia to spend an academic year in the United States. The students live with a host family and attend an American high school. Every year about 30,000 students apply for the program and only about 800 are accepted. One of them was me! So far in my life, it has been my greatest achievement. I am sure it is just the beginning because I have always been one of the best students in my class and in my school, plus I started learning English at 7 years old, all may have helped with my acceptance into the FLEX program.
I wanted to be a businessman for a while now, but it took me couple years to figure out that being a businessman does not necessarily have to benefit only me. While I was in United States I spent time volunteering and serving food to poor people. I realized how many people there are in the world that need food or just warm clothes.
My time in the United States opened my eyes and gave me the vision and the courage to see the problems in my country. Turkmenistan has a large percentage of unemployment. Some sources say the Turkmen unemployment rate is as high as 40-60 percent. When I pass through my neighborhoods, I see many underfed children in old, tattered clothes. Seeing conditions like this in my country just freezes my blood. Until I came to the United States, I did not realize that the people of my country do not need to live this way.
Now that I am back in Turkmenistan and have finished my last year of high school, I try to volunteer as much as I can. I assist the elderly at their homes and teach classes in the American Corner. It is my desire that others may also get a better education and that their education will help improve our community. I realize that 17 year old high school student, even one with huge ambitions, may not be enough to make an impact in the community. For these reasons I am trying to get the best education I can. I want to start making bigger changes to improve my own city and country.
My first weeks after coming back from USA were really difficult for me. After spending a year in Kentucky, being totally immersed in the American culture, I was comparing people in America to people in Turkmenistan. I saw that Turkmen people are rude, mean and self-centered, but they are still my people. Ironically, these traits are the same ones I possessed when I arrived in the U.S. Just ask my host mom!
Even though I want to go to college in the USA, I still want to return to my home country when my education in complete. Living standards are lower in Turkmenistan than in the United States or many other places, but I would like to change that. I am a big patriot of my country but I am not nationalist. I can now see the good in my country and those things that must improve. There are changes that must take place for the people in my community. I am willing to attempt to make changes, but I can't do it alone.
When I talk to other people about studying in the United States, they tell me that I would not return or should not return to my home country. The biggest disappointment, though, came from my parents. They told me that they did not want me to go overseas to study, fearing that I would not return. It was really hard to convince them that there are far better education opportunities in the United States than there are in Turkmenistan.
My dream to study in the United States started a long time ago, even before I was accepted into the FLEX scholarship program. The biggest hurdle to realizing my dream is that education in the USA is expensive, especially for an international student. On one of my return flights to Turkmenistan, I was sitting next to a woman from Zimbabwe. We started talking about studying and education. She told me she was an undergraduate student at Yale, and she is now getting her master's degree at Stanford. She said she only had to pay the application fee. I was excited. If she could do it, I can do it too. Meeting her reaffirmed my desire to attend school in the United States. She also told me the first thing I should do is just believe in myself, which I do.
Therefore I am eager to apply my energy, experience and enthusiasm to a learning institution such as Berea College.
I have millions of dreams but I am not a dreamer.
Is my essay covers all topics ?
is there any grammar mistakes ?
should i add something more ?
Critics are welcomed
Thank you
"Never give up" were the last words my grandfather spoke to me before he passed away when I was 5five .
The following lines are well presented! ... I like these few lines a lot :)Since then, I remember those words every time I face failure. My grandfather named me "Serdar" which means "leader". He hoped I will be a leader and make an impact on our community. I fully intend to honor his final wish for me.
One of them was me! So far in my life, it has been my greatest achievement.
I was among those 800 and this has been my greatest achievement so far..
you may want to do the explanation on the program in other parts of the application materials. I feel you have written too much on the factual information of the program per se
I saw that Turkmen people are rude, mean and self-centered,
wow, these are strong words, be careful man
hope you will get in !
my education in complete- When I have completed my education.
my opinion is cutting out the part where you talk about people in turkmenistan are rude because you never did a counter argument for it. Be professional and try not to give any pessimistic views. Don't give many facts in the essay because you're trying to keep them interested. Make it short and simple.
I have millions of dreams but I am not a dreamer. - that sentence is wrong, you have millions of dreams and you indirectly told that you are going to dream about your success after meeting the lady from zimbabwe.
these are my humble views and thanks for reviewing mine. good luck! :)
Can you help me out? I'm applying to Berea too but I have never notice this essay topic. Can you give me a link?
Are you an international student ? if,yes go to berea.edu select apply international student and download the application , and read the instruction it will be there.
i think that it's very detailed and it says a lot about you! very good.
Have they given you a word limit?
yes 500 words i have like 350
This is quite a common topic indeed. You should make sure that you can still differentiate yourself from all other candidates with this topic.
i think u have a strong concept... but if u can relate the topic to directly it will be better.. try as u can to make this topic talk about u... try to use ( I ) ....i think it will be better
I think your personal statement should be a bit more personal. Talk about you, that's what's most important.
really ? did u even read my essay ? its only talks about me and what i am willing to do!
Yes, but it jumps from topic to topic instead of focusing on one aspect and how it influenced/changed you. As a reader, I feel as if I know more about each of these different topics than who you are.
I mean you have a good base but since you have another 150 words to go I really feel you should expand the ending. The last paragraph seems like blob and everything is in it... try splitting it up and talking more about each of the parts. Like have a paragraph about your time in the US then another about why you want to be a businessman and a defined conclusion where you talk about why poverty is important to you.
Hope I helped!
Can you please take a look at my Uchicago essay?
yes i will have to agree with that :)
Thanks
Hope you get to see this before the deadline.
1. I'd suggest you to be more concrete on your plans after graduation. I see you have ambition, but somehow, I think it'd be much more persuasive for you to enumerate the plans to achieve your goal.
2. Talk more about your community service: the improvements you've made and what you've gained through the experience.
3.The part about expensive American education and the Zimbabwe lady should be condensed.
Good luck!
