Please help with this essay, it will be the one I will use for further short answer questions including Common APP
also right if the prompt is answer and check it very rigorously
In 300 words or less, please describe how your life experiences can contribute to our educational mission around diversity.
My contribution to Pomona College's educational mission around diversity comes from my own life experiences. My connections with the common and middle-class people, immigrants, and minorities separates me from the usual teenager and since of prerogative that is usually accredited with the college bound student.
My personal experience come from my peers at high school who potentially reflect immigration problems by not being U.S citizens; the pressure comes from first-hand since I am an immigrant student as well who often tries to defend other people from discriminatory insults.
In addition, I also have family members who often try to keep up with their economic and financial status. Unfortunately, I have seen my uncles having everything to losing everything and seeing the signs of the foreclosures on their homes.
My parents came to the United States when I was only five, they suffer not just financial hardships but also discriminatory cases . There were often times, where there was nothing to eat or worst, days without eating; when I came there were times I did not eat myself while seeing the tears on my mother's face. All they had brought was a couple dollars since "pesos" are not of much worth. I came in two years later, and like my parents had no knowledge of what might come ahead or the English language. I would often see my parents cry because of our situation, and the feeling they had thinking they were failing to accomplish the American Dream.
Hearing these stories and going through the first-hand struggle make me appreciate my life since although I have had to work twice as hard as others because of my background, I appreciate those hard moments of pressure because it is those moments who make me the strong women I am today.
Okay, so I just moved and shifted around your essay, these are only suggestions and I don't want to offend you in any way. If there were a few spots where I though saying something different would be more clear and concise I shift them. I also tried to explain inBluemy reasoning for the edits. You have an amazing story, and it shows true character. Its just about working with the wording to make it come out as clear as possible. Things I am not sure are clear enough or explained well enough are inRed . Also slight disclaimer I am not the best at grammar and spelling so sorry for any mistakes, I would suggest if you take to some of my ideas you have them checked.
This is all unessicary and simply eating up your valuable words, all of this can be said with out stating it, show it through experiences.It is one thing to say you have something another to show.
My contribution to Pomona College's educational mission around diversity comes from my own life experiences. My connections with the common and middle-class people, immigrants, and minorities separates me from the usual teenager and since of prerogative that is usually accredited with the college bound student.
Here I would suggest you trying to make you the main focus because this essay is about you. Also I moved this part of your essay to the front because it is the start of the core of what you are trying to say, the Admissions board will see millions of people restate the prompt, but starting off with a bang will gather there attention.
When I was only five, my parents came(a possible way of making this more intriguing is a exciting verb, possibly Ventured, traveled, something that speaks to you) to the United States. All they had was a couple dollars since "pesos" are not of weren't worth much.
I came in two years later, and like my parents had no knowledge of what might come ahead or the English language and the future. There were often times where there was nothing to eat, sometimes days without eating. When I came there were times I did not eat myself while seeing the tears on my mother's face.This needs to either be more clear of a memory and contribute to the prompt or not in there at all. I would often see my parents cry because of our situation, and the feeling they had thinking they were failing to accomplish the American Dream. What was the American Dream to them? Did they feel they were failing you? This is about you, over all this essay needs to say how your actions (not your parents) will contribute to the colleges community.If you can't connect it to you, it doesn't need to be here.
If you have room you can include theses but if you don't have solid reasons with vivid examples of why these moments contribute to the colleges educational mission, then they don't help your essay.
My personal experience come from my peers at high school who potentially reflect immigration problems by not being U.S citizens; the pressure comes from first-hand since I am an immigrant student as well who often tries to defend other people from discriminatory insults.
In addition, I also have family members who often try to keep up with their economic and financial status. Unfortunately, I have seen my uncles having everything to losing everything and seeing the signs of the foreclosures on their homes.
This is your conclusion the last thing you get to say to them, last chance at convincing them. Simply saying your strong doesn't show you are strong. How did seeing these moments make you strong, what did you do After that shows your strength? You could talk about your struggle with learning the English language, or experiences with your family culture in comparison to the one you faced in America. Anything that would paint a clear picture your your growth would work.
Hearing these stories and going through the first-hand struggle makes me appreciate my life since although I have had to work twice as hard(How did you work twice as hard?)as others because of my background, I appreciate those hard moments(Elaborate what moments of pressure?)of pressure because it is those moments who make me the strong women I am today.
I really hope this helps. I I really do mean that I am in no way trying to sound rude or condescending. Best of luck!
Thank you very much @MSP1998 but does it really answer the question? And do not worry I m not good with grammar or spelling I am a math person.
I mean, thats what I was trying to say in the edits. Its not that this topic couldn't answer the question, but it just doesn't yet. You need to say how this experience in life will help you contribute to the college. Like "Because of this experience I will contribute _________ (kindness, hard work, etc.)" How has this experience made you who you are and how are you some one they would want at there school. Does that make sense?
I agree with @MSP1998
You should completely delete 1st para.
Also, additionally, instead of diversifying your essay to touch your whole life, you should focus on one point/experience of your life that "separates" you.
My suggestion is that you write on a life event that you vividly remember -It does not have to be life shattering. This essay test your ability to represent -write- yourself as a suitable candidate. So, it would be easy if you focus on one event and write the experience gained from it.
I see 3 possible essays, focus on one point:
-- peers at high school who potentially reflect immigration problems by not being U.S citizens --- most useful to answer this prompt.
--I have seen my uncles having everything to losing everything and seeing the signs of the foreclosures on their homes. -- describe it. Write how "sporadic" life really is...
-- My parents came to the United States when I was only five, they suffer not just financial hardships but also discriminatory cases . There were often times, where there was nothing to eat or worst, days without eating; when I came there were times I did not eat myself while seeing the tears on my mother's face. All they had brought was a couple dollars since "pesos" are not of much worth. I came in two years later, and like my parents had no knowledge of what might come ahead or the English language. I would often see my parents cry because of our situation, and the feeling they had thinking they were failing to accomplish the American Dream. ---------- This can be your(having sad story generally helps. But, your writing should be able appeal emotions, but it should not be too "rhuig".). common app. prompt
