Here's my common app short essay for extracurricular activities. Please everyone correct and evaluate my essay!! I really need your advice because I'm an intl student.
One day when I was grade one, my homeroom teacher suggested everyone in our class to clean our classroom and other places where we used. From that day, unwillingly, we started cleaning there. At first, it seemed like a boring activity. However, whenever I finished cleaning, I somehow felt refreshed. After all, we continued the activity throughout a year. At the end of the final class in that year, the teacher praised us with a big smile. She explained that thanks to the activity, the number of students in our class who caught a cold was much smaller than that of other classes. Cleaning our classroom prevented us from being sick. This experience made me realize how meaningful the activity was. Although it was just ten minutes' work in each time, I continued contributing to other students for as many as ten years. The ten years' activity provided me with a significant confidence that my strong point is continuity.
Hi,
This essay needs a major overhaul. Aside from the numerous grammatical mistakes, you do not really develop nor support a coherent argument. You start off by talking about an experience you had in first grade and then somehow try to relate that to some mysterious activity which you have been doing for the past 10 years. A better approach would be to talk exclusively about the mysterious activity you did for 10 years. Let us know exactly what did you do. How did that experience help improve you. -AAO
Hi,
Thank you so much for your comment. I will write about my activity. From grade1 to grade12, I cleaned some public places at school mainly my classroom. The content was to swab and sweep the floor, brush a toilet bowl, and so on. Every time, I got dirty and had to endure the bad smell of toilet. I did'nt change what I did in the work. It was almost the same for ten years. However, case by case, I changed it. Whan it was a field day, I picked up garbage after that. When it was a field trip, I collected everyone's garbege. At first it was such a boring activity that nobody wanted to do. But different from most students, I started to feel refreshed after cleaning or collecting garbages. Clean room was so confortable that made me want to do it again. It was pleasure for me to see somewhere cleaned.When I was grade 1, I was required to do the work at school by my homeroom teacher, but after that, I did the work spontaneously without anyone's instruction with some of my classmates. What made me encourage to do so was the teacher's explanation I wrote above. Even in junior and senior high school, I continued the work. It took just 10 minutes. I did it two weeks per month every schooldays.
I do not know why, but this activity somehow became a part of my life. What I gained was the confidence that I could continue something in such a long span. In addition a sense of contribution to other students came to me because I kept some ,though not all, part of school clean, reducing the possibility of students to be sick and absent from school.
How do you think I can organiza the essay?
