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Core program at the University of Chicago brings the undergraduates closer for a global conversation

kenneth1001 1 / 10  
Jan 2, 2012   #1
Read and revise please. Be harsh with me because I think I have a lot of grammatical mistakes. Thank you so much :)

Question 1. How does the University of Chicago, as you know it now, satisfy your desire for a particular kind of learning, community, and future? Please address with some specificity your own wishes and how they relate to UChicago. (one or two paragraphs).

Out of all the colleges I applied to, the University of Chicago would be my final choice because of the prestigious education it has and its diverse community that I want to experience and enjoy. UChicago has a program called the Core which is originated from the faculty members and brings the undergraduates closer for a global conversation, which can take my desire to learn to a whole new level and go beyond my limits. I remember when my high school counselor asked me if I was the kind of student who takes classes for high school credits or I take classes to challenge myself, I told her that I was both. Although I take classes because I needed to, there are some cases where I take classes from the sense of my curiosity because I may never know if I would like themor not, but most importantly I want to challenge myself. In addition, because I participated in a few high school activities, I look forward on changing that by joining the tremendous amounts of clubs and organizations, such as the Ultimate Frisbee (Men's), Alpha Phi Omega and etc., and communicating to other students that have the same interests as I do.

But the most important that is as equally as to UChicago's education is its diversity, one of the things I value the most. Although I have friends that originated from different backgrounds, I don't really know anything about their culture. But, UChicago brings out the culture from each background by holding events such as Culture Shows and PanAsia. Not only that, but also the fact UChicago has a study abroad program excites me because I can get the chance of exposing myself and embracing cultures that are unknown to me. Overall, University of Chicago would be a match for me because I want to experience and challenge myself the education this campus offers and have the valuable skills I need to exceed in life, but at the same time to enjoy the college experience.
saurabh93 11 / 94  
Jan 2, 2012   #2
UChicago has a study abroad program which excites me because I can get the chance of exposing myself and embracing cultures that are unknown to me.

Otherwise, concise and well-focused
Please take the time to look at my POMONA essays
OP kenneth1001 1 / 10  
Jan 3, 2012   #3
anybody else want to comment?
ill edit yours in return :)

thanks guys!
Mango17 - / 15  
Jan 3, 2012   #4
Personally, I think ariawashere did a great job on editing your essay. You shouldn't highlight the fact that you are applying to other universities. Even though they know you are, you shouldn't remind them.

I think you did great mentioning specific aspects of the university such as the core and the ultimate frisbee. I would expand a bit on the study abroad and show your interest in it a little more because you only briefly state your interest in it.

Other than that it is a good essay and you answer the topic perfectly.
ItsokaytoGaga 15 / 96  
Jan 3, 2012   #6
Hi Kenneth!
Good work! This is well put together. You sufficiently describe why you want to be a part of UChicago. But mind me if I offer you some suggestions... I've been reading plenty of UChicago essays today and most of them are very well written. The best ones manage to get their personality across with the most clarity. While I'm not saying yours doesn't I'm just not sure if it's memorable enough. Unless other your other UChi essays are standouts this doesn't matter. But I suggest you could work on this to make it a superb essay showing both your interest in the college and you as a person.

Don't be obliged to follow this, it's just what I feel. Good job anyway and good luck! :)

PLEASE have a look at my Common App essay and also my supplements for Williams, Bowdoin and ConnColl. I would really appreciate your help! :)
OP kenneth1001 1 / 10  
Jan 3, 2012   #7
Yea that's I was trying and still trying to figure out how to do it. Thanks though :)
Anybody else want to give a feedback? because this due by midnight and I really want to finish this.
doctorgirl222 4 / 7  
Jan 3, 2012   #8
Your interest in The University of Chicago is apparent in this essay. Hower, too much of the essay is spent listing all of the opportunities you would have at the University of Chicago. They already know all of the countires you can travel to with the study abroad programs. Pick one or two cities that are the most intriguing to you and explain the significance of traveling there.

For example: My dream of eating a chocolate crossaint by the Eifel Tower and listening to the natives chattering away in their beautiful romance language would lead me to study abroad in the magnificent city of Paris.

Be specific and creative, in exactly why you want to experience the things you have mentioned, and try to avoid the list of all the activities you would join. I hope this is helpful, I know how hard it is to write the "why us" essay, especially at the last minute.
OP kenneth1001 1 / 10  
Jan 3, 2012   #9
I just realized my essay is generic, so I'm going to redo it because the UChicago wants to hear applicants, not the school itself.

Thank you guys for all your help :)
sonya15 4 / 29  
Jan 3, 2012   #10
One suggestion I have is to add more about what you would specifically do in those countries while you are studying abroad there. Talk about research there maybe, or learning a language, or meeting the people. Maybe talk about how the experience would fit into your intended major.

Mind reading mine? Thanks so much!
sonya15 4 / 29  
Jan 3, 2012   #11
Alright two things:

One is that this sounds a little too processed. If you're going to talk about how you came up with your idea, make it sound a little smoother. For example, "in the pyramid of life, the bottom is the foundation for establishing goals and living as finishing those goals." See what I mean? Instead of saying you established a pyramid. This makes it sound much more confident and "processed" writing, if you understand what I am trying to say.

Another thing, this is pretty risky- "When people fail to complete their goals, they failed because they didn't put any effort or didn't take any chances in succeeding." I see what you are trying to say, but you make it sound completely black and white. This has a huge potential of striking the admissions committee as haughty or ignorant, two things which you do not seem to be. You might want to think about rewording this a bit.

I truly love your idea. That are potential is right between those two extremes of living and dreaming. It's a difficult concept to grasp, but I think your ideas really help shape what you are trying to say. Good read, and I think it will stick out.

Mind reading mine? Thanks :)
egpctim 5 / 10  
Jan 3, 2012   #12
How many words does this have to be?
It is pretty well-written, and I don't see any major mistakes.
OP kenneth1001 1 / 10  
Jan 3, 2012   #13
there is no word limit, all it says to write a one or two page response.

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