Hey essayforum mods. Happy new years eve! I'd appreciate you looking over this essay for cornell I wrote. The prompt is "Describe your intellectual interests, their evolution, and what makes them exciting to you. Tell us how you will utilize the academic programs in the College of Arts and Sciences to further explore your interests, intended major, or field of study."
I know it's been a busy week with all the essays to edit, so thanks in advance. Here's mine:
The great thing about magic is that it is always as much fun for the magician as it is for the audience. I love performing magic tricks for friends, family, and newly made acquaintances, because I can incessantly amuse and impress them with just a deck of cards or a coin. The most exciting part of a trick is learning how it works and how to execute it correctly. There is an "aha" moment for me when all of the slight of hand practice I have done and each of the false shuffles I learned come together into the trick, and I think to myself, "Wow. So that's how it works."
I have a strikingly similar experience when I learn about science. When the magic of muscle movement in animals or the strange behavior of superfluids is explained by a teacher or textbook, my resulting amazement is more enthusiastic than it get even after figuring out the most complex card trick. The way the world works truly amazes me. In the same way that a magician uses familiar techniques to invent new tricks, I enjoy using inference to learn things for myself and tie ideas from different sciences together to reveal their connection in the real world. For example, after learning about an electron's probability waves and explaining it to the teacher supervising my quantum mechanics independent study, I was learning about photosynthesis and electron transport chains in AP Biology. When my teacher explained that chloroplasts may be the most energy efficient things in the world, I immediately made the connection that this was the case because the electrons were moving through the single most efficient pathways as a result of the way they travel as both particles and waves.
My interest in figuring out the inner workings of the world leads me to take interest in the science of how things work. If information is not available, I do not give up looking for it, but rather make it available. When I wanted to learn about quantum mechanics, a subject not offered in Brookline High School, I took initiative by myself to find a teacher to supervise my study, set up a curriculum, assign projects, and to find a textbook for my class. I now meet with the head of my high school's science department every week and explain new aspects of quantum theories and applications to him. We do projects, run experiments, and attempt applied calculations for every phenomenon that interests us.
Though I aspire to be a dentist, I plan to try to do microbiological research on the side, using either grants or a university research salary to furnish my lab with equipment and tools. I choose to apply for admission to the College of Arts and Sciences solely to be able to pursue a biology major and to have as many science courses open to me as possible.
The greatest aspect (thing is not good. be more specific)about magic is that it can be entertaining to everyone, the magician and the audience. (just thought this was an awkward sentence. could use a change and mine is just an example)
I have loved performing magic , as it allows me to continuously amuse and impress friends, family, and newly made acquaintances with just a deck of cards or a coin.
The most exciting part of the magic for me is learning how it works and how to execute it correctly.
sorry i didn't have time to correct the rest of your essays. But i think this gives you an idea of how to improve it?
not exactly. I get the general gist though. I'll try to look it over and have another draft up soon.
Thanks,
Anything else?
Here's draft two. Sorry to be a heckler but I've gotta say it; I'd appreciate snappy feedback.
Thanks for pushing yourselves guys. It's REALLY helpful that you can be here to look over essays right through the very last minute.
Well, I won't rant. Here's my new essay. What do you think?
I've looked it over and made these changes. Can I get some more feedback on content and language?
tie ideas from different sciences together to showreveal their connection in the real world.
this was the case because of the electrons were"choosing" to move in the absolute mostmoving through the single most efficient pathwaysdue toas a result of the way itthey travel as both particles and waves.
If information is not available, I do not give up looking for it, but rather make it available.
, a coursesubject not offered in Brookline High School,
We do projects, run testsexperiments, and attempt applied calculations
These are all just ideas that came to mind for me...
The greatest thing about magic is that it is always as fun for the magician as it is for the audience. I love performing magic tricks for friends, family, and newly made acquaintances, because I can incessantly amuse and impress them with just a deck of cards or a coin. For me as a magician,The most exciting part of a trick is learning how it works and how to execute it correctly. There is an "aha" moment for me when all of the slight of hand practice I have done and each of the false shuffles I learned come together into the trick, and I think to myself, "Wow. So that's how it works."
well i had to wiki Deepak Chopra to find out who that is XD, but I'll take it as a compliment; thanks.
Thanks for the other feedback as well. Here is what might be my final draft. Unless I get more comments before midnight tonight, I'll just submit the following to be done with it (this one has the other changes [post #5], too)
I think you are ready to go!!
I love performing magic tricks for friends, family, and newly made acquaintances, because I can incessantly amuse and impress them with just a deck of cards or a coin.
There is an "aha" moment for me when all of the slight of hand practice I have done and each of the false shuffles I learned come together into the trick, and I think to myself, "Wow. So, that's how it works."
A few more small suggestions for you! Good luck!
I like your essay. I'm applying to Cornell to but to ILR...Hopefully we'll see each other there.
