The prompt is:
In the space provided below, please elaborate on one of your activities (extracurricular, personal activities, or work experience)(150 words or fewer).
In the summer of 2008 I travelled to the rural county of Yuanyang, China, to teach English to tribal children. In the beginning interaction was awkward; it was revealed that my students initially believed I was Mexican due to my dark skin and were shocked at my ability to pronounce Chinese fluently.
Every morning I would inhale a breakfast of watery gruel before I began the hour long trek to the school. Unlike other teachers my age, I chose to return to the school at night to help struggling students. Along with English lessons, I imparted with them a specific taste of American teenage culture: for my class' talent show performance, I decided to execute a class performance of the virally popular dance, "Crank Dat". I pushed my dislike towards chauvinistic music deep into my subconscious and completely humiliated myself with my students in front of the school.
I need to know if there are any grammatical errors, spelling errors, etc. Also, if you can help me make if flow better, i would appreciate it greatly. (I'm especially concerned about how I used the colon).
Thank You
replace travelled by traveled
Unlike other teachers (at?) my age
and so on.
thanks! i'll review it immediately!
In the summer of 2008 I traveled to the rural county of Yuanyang, China to teach English to tribal children. In the beginning interaction was awkward; it was revealed that my students initially believed I was Mexican due to my dark skin and were shocked at my ability to pronounce Chinese fluently.
This is a great sentence:
Every morning I would inhale a breakfast of watery gruel before I began the hour long trek to the school.
Unlike other teachers my age, I chose to return to the school at night to help struggling students. Along with English lessons, I imparted with them a specific taste of American teenage culture: for my class' talent show performance, I decided to execute a class performance of the virally popular dance, "Crank Dat". I pushed my dislike towards chauvinistic music deep into my subconscious and completely humiliated myself with my students in front of the school.
Oh, it would be good to add one more sentence to conclude!! Something reflective.
Some corrections:
At the beginning, interaction was awkward
other teachers of my age
I just want to say thanks for all the help!
At the end, you should add a sentence or two that captures what the experience taught you, how it made you a better person, and/or how it inspired you to study whatever it is you are applying to study. Apart from that, you have a well-written, very specific personal anecdote, which will serve you well once you've add an explanation of its significance to the mix.
