'Corruption in schools curriculum' - Issue of importance - my history teacher

I'm not sure if this is a strong enough topic. This is just a rough draft, but I am not sure if I should continue writing on this subject.

If it isn't obvious, I am trying to keep the teacher anonymous.
Should I bring in more issues she brought up?

School is a place in which we meet friends, discover our passions, and expand our education. Unfortunately despite the principle, corruption can be found amongst the curriculum. There are double standards, the class favorites, and those who are biased. It's unfortunate but it is out there. There are appropriate places to express your opinion, whether it be in the privacy of one's home, or amongst friends. However, it is unacceptable for a teacher to be biased in a classroom.

My previous history teacher was consistently biased on certain subjects, mostly pertaining to political philosophy, history issues, and religious views. This year's presidential election placed such a burden between my history teacher and me. My opinion was always undermined and criticized. After a couple months my tolerance began to diminish, and when 6th period came about I felt resentment.

Anytime I tried discussing a democratic stance she would shut me down and sometimes strike back with a fictional view from the republican candidate. One comment I still clearly remember was when she said, "All democrats want to do for the economy is print off more money." At that point I took it upon myself to print out the truth. I'll never forget the next day when I showed her the opposition of what she had said the day before, her response was that CNN was biased and was not a reliable resource. She only read information from MBC or it had to be from a government website. In addition, for three days we held a classroom debate, where the class was separated between democrats and republicans. I was on the democratic side with two other classmates; my history teacher sat across from me with the republicans. If I had mistaken her as biased before, it was definitely clear now.

Your essay is just one big complaint about a bias teacher. There is nothing in here about you. Is this a college essay? You could submit this as a complaint to the school board to fire her or something.

My advice is, take an example of how your teacher is bias. Tell the story. Show what kind of an impact it had on your thought process/ actions.

Also, you titled this entry "Issue of Importance". I don't see why this issue is important to you through your writing.

Good Luck

This is a very interesting anecdote, but I'm not clear for what purpose you are writing it. I, too, need to see the prompt.

Whatever the purpose, you need to strengthen your prose by using action verbs instead of the relentless barrage of the verb "to be" that characterizes your first paragraph:

School is
corruption can be
There are
There are
it is
to be

I also, will add to the chorus calling for full disclosure of the prompt. However, it doesn't much matter. Any uni admission essay has to be about you, and this one isn't. All we can tell from it is that you are a partisan Democrat (which actually might help you with most universities) and that you are resentful and bit whiny (which certainly won't). If you are writing on the "Discuss an issue of importance to you" prompt, then you need to explain how your teacher's bias harmed you academically (if it did so) and how you overcame the obstacle, or learned something, or developed some positive character trait, or were inspired to do something wonderful.

^^ you do know it is almost impossible for teachers to get fired :P


^^ yup. maybe use this:
I'll never forget the next day when I showed her the opposition of what she had said the day before, her response was that CNN was biased and was not a reliable resource. She only read information from MBC or it had to be from a government website. In addition, for three days we held a classroom debate, where the class was separated between democrats and republicans. I was on the democratic side with two other classmates; my history teacher sat across from me with the republicans. If I had mistaken her as biased before, it was definitely clear now

and then after then use this as an example to talk about u and how ur character managed to tackle this :D

good luck!

It sounds like not only your teacher but your classmates (and, hence, your neighborhood or community) stood and stand firmly against the principles that are important to you. So, instead of writing from a tone of complaint, you could discuss not only the difficulties of being so different from everyone around you but also the strength that this experience inculcated in you.

^^ thats good.
forget my last post. yea the last idea was good, but this idea is GREAT! take an example of a time in the classroom when the teacher was biased. combine it with how EVERYONE (use hyperbole) was against u or however u need to put it, and then end it with what u got from it.

simone, thats good. lol.

LOL your teacher sounds mean.

But I think you should say something of what you LEARNED.
like people have different opinions-- people should respect each other, etc.

Should I say my teachers name? Is this a good story?
Please help me with any suggestions.

I would say that the tension continued to develope.


Arrogant. How can you assume this? Even if this was fact why wouldn't they be just as easily be persuaded into the democratic side?


Random conclusion. Debate is not entirely about politics. I am confused. How does learning a lot about republicans from your teacher prompt you to join the debate team?


You need to make it clear to the reader that Obama's economic plan is not to print off more money like your teacher assumes. Maybe CNN is bias on some topics. Why was your teacher wrong?


Your teacher is not bias just because she has her own views in politics. If she sat with your democrats would you say that she is bias?


The transition to this paragraph is extremely confusing to me.


,which is then promptly denied by your teacher as was CNN.

^
It is questionable as to whether you need to mention what school does for it's students. Also, you mention what school does, then you say 'the curriculum', even though you had not introduced it earlier..It sounds wrong.

Also, the final sentence, whilst true, you do need to realize that in Universities, your professors may have biased opinions themselves and may have spent years of research to firmly believe in a subjective view point.

The burden between my history teacher and I continued to develop as the presidential election progressed.
^Burden is not the right word. I think Presidential Election should be capitalized, as I have just done.

My opinion was always undermined and criticized in front of my classmates.
^This sounds as if you were just having a debate. Conversations regarding, politics, history and religion do tend to feature debate. So this is nothing new. Debates will involve undermining and criticizing conflicting viewpoints.

She once commented, "All democrats want to do for the economy is print off more money." At that point I took it upon myself to research the truth. The next day I showed her Obama's economic rescue plan, and her response was that CNN was biased and was not a reliable resource.

^She is allowed to believe that. Not believing it, shows your biased viewpoint as well. Not that there is anything wrong with that.
Also, is your teacher a Republican? If she was, then you could have mentioned how during Bush's tenure as President, money was being printed and that is a fact.

After a couple months my tolerance began to diminish, and when 6th period came about I felt resentment.
^Resentment?


^This reminds of me of Animal Farm, where everyone is just the 'masses' easily persuaded. This can be true, but the way in which you express this is arrogant. What makes you so sure that you have not easily been persuaded?


^You can break off the second line into two sentences for starters. Also, you should clarify who 'we' really is.
I do not get your last line.
Also, I think the symbolism here is quite strong. How the Republicans are more powerful in number than the Democrats. Quite something. A Democratic party with less supporters, does not have a strong winning chance. I want to see in your next paragraph if you have really turned the cards around or if the Republicans did win.


^Two seperate clauses.
I had to continually reminding myself to not be biased and to remain open minded, after all that's the issue that troubled me in the classroom. Not always did I know the democratic stance on an issue, but I grew from what I didn't know.

^Needs grammar revision.
Anything I was unsure about I simply looked it up online and brought back what I learned to class the next day.
^What happened to the debate?

Debating with a teacher taught me to be respectful to my rivals . I learned to make sure both of us had an equal time to talk, and to by no means interrupt.

^This needs grammar revision. Also, this is controlled debating. Real life debating, involves lots of interruption.


^Grow as an individual? How? Are you taller now?
You already left your history class to do some online research by the way.
Also, I do not see the relevance of joining the high school debate team to the teacher having impacted your life.

I will assume you did not just read my post as within the six minutes or so between my post and yours, you were busy posting your new essay.

Implementing Liebes suggestions should take more than 6 minutes. Of course you could choose not to take the advice, forcing us to give you the same feedback.

You did not take my feedback into account much either.


This statements leads the reader away from what seems to be your real point.

Liebe's and Llamapoop's advice is right on target. Keep in mind that the admission personnel was not in your history class. They don't know that the teacher was terribly biased or that she demeaned you. What they will see with this essay is that you feel that you have been done a great injustice. They will see that you came to class with your own agenda of discrediting the teacher in a public forum. If I were on the panel, I'd think twice about inviting you to become a part of my college community--especially if your SAT scores/GPA left you on the bubble. After reading the essay, I am left with the impression that you just might be arrogant, negative, easily offended, mistrustful, rebellious, and dogmatic. That very well may not be a fair assessment of you, but it was my first impression. Is that really the impression that you want the reader to have?

Part of your problem in this essay is that you don't really show that your teacher was biased. You show that she had a set of political beliefs, as did you when you were her student, and that those beliefs were different from yours. That she was clearly a conservative Republican does not, in and of itself, make her any more biased than being a liberal Democrat makes you. On the other hand, she let the class hold political debates, and gave you scope to argue your side, apparently without docking you marks or otherwise punishing you for your beliefs (as I feel sure you would have mentioned this had it occurred). And in taking the opposite side from you, she forced you to look up the policies of the party you supported (which you admitted not actually knowing beforehand, leading one to wonder why you supported that party in the first place -- bias picked up from your parents, perhaps?) and taught you to question the sources you used for information. This makes her seem rather more like an astute and competent teacher than a blatantly cruel oppressor.

In fact, you say you ended her class learning to respect your ideological opponents and to give equal time to all sides, presumably because those were the rules she enforced. Perhaps you should give her more credit, and not be so quick to assume that everything you learned was learned in spite of her? Alternatively, you are going to have to supply more details about her supposed bias and cruelty if you want the reader to sympathize with you at the outset of your essay.

No. It should not be capitalized.

My bad.

UT (freshman) topic A- someone who has impacted your life

Topic A (Freshman)
Write an essay in which you tell us about someone who has made an impact on your life and explain how and why this person is important to you

My history teacher was consistently biased on certain subjects, mostly pertaining to political philosophy, history issues, and religious views. I consider myself a liberal democrat. She was definitely a conservative republican. The chasm between my history teacher and I continued to develop as the presidential election progressed. My opinion was always undermined and criticized in front of my classmates. She once commented, "All democrats want to do for the economy is print off more money." At that point I took it upon myself to research the truth. The next day I showed her Obama's economic rescue plan, and her response was that CNN was biased and was not a reliable resource. After a couple months my tolerance began to diminish, and when 6th period came about I felt resentment.

The election was just around the corner. For three days we held a classroom debate. The class was divided into democrats and republicans. I was on the democratic side with two other classmates; my history teacher sat across from me with the rest of the class, the republicans. If I had only perceived her as biased before, it was definitely clear now.

My heart was pounding fiercely, my stomach dropped to my knees; I had taken a giant step out of my comfort zone. My teacher and I had incredibly different view points and I took her knowledge for granted, she knew plenty more than I. During the three days, I had to continually remind myself to not be biased and to remain open minded, after all that's the issue that troubled me in the classroom. I had to keep to the facts and the issues. Not always did I know the democratic stance on an issue, but I grew from what I didn't know. Anything I was unsure about I simply looked it up online, carefully considered the source and brought back what I learned to class the next day. Debating with a teacher taught me to be respectful to my rival. I learned to make sure both of us had an equal time to talk, and to by no means interrupt.

School is a place where we meet friends, receive our education, and discover ourselves under the guidance of trained adults. I though teachers should remain neutral and teach students how to find the information to formulate an opinion. I was crushed to find that not all my teachers were fair and some were blatantly closed minded . Unbeknownst to her, my biased, opinionated, conservative U.S. History teacher ignited a passion for truth and a confidence in my own voice. Through her unintentional influence, I learned to speak up and to realize that I don't know everything, but I can teach myself.

wow sounds like a very intense situation you had.. haha

im not really completely sure, but politics seems like a topic that is a little sensitive.
people who read your essay might end up having a biased against you or something.
but your essay was pretty good.

well you should wait and see what other people say...

good luck :))

Wow, this is the third essay we've seen about remarkably similar history teachers. Scary.

I hope that this is sarcasm? It's hard to tell online haha.

Domoscott then I suggest you read our suggestions about this essay thoroughly before you post another seemingly unchanged essay.

its all the same person.

The point is that you are supposed to post revisions to an essay in the same thread rather than starting a new thread. It looks like you've got a new user name too, which just makes it all the more confusing, at least to me.

^Yea Simone, it seems that Dominic over here decided to make a new user name and post a new thread rather than post on other people's essay and become legible to start a new thread on that account.

Please refer to the other thread for my advice on this essay.

What? I write one, simple sentence and you come on and correct it? I have to admit that your corrections are right on target. But if you say the please with an eye roll, the sentence works as written.

;)

uh. so what?
Did i commit a crime.
I just wanted advice.

We can only give you the same advice if you refuse to change your essay according to our suggestions. Starting a new thread is not going to get you more attention in terms of advice.

Yes, I already dialed 911.


^I do not know about everyone else, but I do not help criminals.


^That just begs me to make more jokes, but I will stop.
Seeing as how I do not want to make jokes with criminals.

More of a social fuax pas than a crime. The point is that you have disregarded the advice offered under the other thread, but now you are reposting asking basically the same people to comment again. Put a fork in me; I'm done.

On the bright side, while this didn't get you any more advice for your essay, you at least learned a valuable lesson on forum etiquette.

It's not so much that you ignored the previous advice as that you used deception to get around forum rules. The rules require you to provide feedback for two other users before posting a new thread. Rather than help two people, you created a new identity, under which you asked people to do for you the very thing you refused to do for them: Provide feedback.

So you've actually learned several important lessons.

1. If you expect feedback from others, you must provide some to them, preferably at the same level of detail you expect from them.

2. If you ignored people's advice when you were revising your work the first time, they are likely to be less inclined to give you advice a second time.

3. If you refuse to provide feedback, and ignore the feedback you've been getting too, then you can expect many posts chastising your behavior.

^Or the police will be notified. My phone is always by my side.

Liebe, I love you (not that in that way).