If anyone could read this and edit for grammar, spelling, punctuation I would really appreciate it. Any criticisms are also greatly appreciated, does the essay answer the prompt?
The directions state that the answer should be APPROXIMATELY 250 WORDS.
I have 288 words, is that going to be okay, should I condense more, should I add more, is the message clear? Thanks anyone who can help!! :)
Aboard a vessel at sea, under the Costa Rican sky, I was about to venture to an underwater world for the first time. My dive partner and I suited up; we shared our enthusiasm in a language not my own-my world expanded. Diversity connected us rather than divided; having to trust each other as scuba buddies established a bond that looked beyond borders.
Afterward, lunch was served; Sofia shared with me fresh carambola (star fruit) and we chatted about our lives. There was immediate connection; we both love coffee, she has a monkey-I have a cat, we both play the guitar, and neither of us watch much television. She taught me how to name the ocean life in Spanish and I attempted to describe snowflakes. Sofia and I are very different, she comes from a large Catholic family; I grew up in a liberal home with a single mother and two sisters, but conversation carried on as if we were childhood friends. Nobody would have guessed that we just met and lived 2,300 miles apart.
I realized that distance, skin color, and language shouldn't get in the way of friendship; amazing people are all over the globe just waiting to be discovered. With an open mind and heart the possibilities are endless. It's refreshing to encounter new cultures, underwater and above. I left Costa Rica with unforgettable experiences and most importantly a friend. Connecting with people across the globe helps people appreciate differences and co-exist peacefully. I want to continue opening my mind to new cultures and people, attending the University of Michigan will do just that. I am one of six billion and counting, but I am one vibrant fish in the sea.
Oops probably would help if I posted the prompt:
"We know that diversity makes us a better university - better for learning, for teaching, and for conducting research." (U-M President Mary Sue Coleman) Share an experience through which you have gained respect for intellectual, social, or cultural differences. Comment on how your personal experiences and achievements would contribute to the diversity of the University of Michigan. (250 words)
I think your essay is very good and really answers the prompt!
It's beautiful!
I don't think the number of words is a big deal because 250 is an approximation. Furthermore it's not boring and the message is clear.
Good luck!
Diversity connected us rather than dividing us; having to trust...
Well... did diversity connect you, or did being scuba buddies connect you?
...each other as scuba buddies established a bond that looked beyond borders.---> a bond that looked transcended cultural barriers.
No real errors... use commas here:
I left Costa Rica with unforgettable experiences and, most importantly, a friend.
Thanks very much, you make a good point
How about this sentence instead:
Diversity often divides people but having to trust each other as scuba buddies established a bond that looked beyond borders.
Could you look at my other essay if you have time?
Please try to understand the situational nuances and connotations entailed in words that may sound identical, but really aren't.
Mustafa1991
I'm sorry, I don't see what your talking about?
Diversity often divides people, especially if they focus on differences instead of detail, but having to trust each other as scuba buddies established a bond that looked beyond transcends cultural barriers.
That is just an idea I had. The way you wrote it was already good! and yes, I'll go check out your other essay right now...
:-)
