Discuss an accomplishment or event, formal or informal, that marked your transition from childhood to adulthood within your culture, community, or family.
In my country all male citizens are required to service the army for a period of two years. I was mentally and physically weak as compare to others. That was who I was before I enter the army. So when national service dawn upon me, I felt depressed as I had to leave my life of ease and luxury. However, those two years of hardship have taught me that success does not come by chance but by sweat, determination and hard work. Furthermore, it has helped me develop traits needed to accomplish my dreams and aspirations.
Like most servicemen, I viewed my country's conscription as a waste of time. However as time passed I came to realize that the army was a good life experience that led to major changes in my personality traits. Being physically weak compared to my peers, I had a hard time coping with the strenuous activities, but rather than giving up I wanted to overcome this obstacle. With a dogged determination to change, I sacrificed my precious weekends in order to attain my goals. As training intensified, I realize a fatal flaw in my personality. I lacked the discipline needed to achieve my goals. I had a tendency to give up when things gets too difficult. Hence, I knew that I had to change! As a result, my new found determination and discipline enabled me to surpass my limits and excel in my harsh reality.
After much progress, I wanted to push my boundary further. Since military is a great environment to improve on leadership skills, I wanted I take up a leadership role. Hence, I strived to be a Sergeant. The road to being a Sergeant was way tougher then I imagined it to be. However, my passion to be a leader drives me on. The day I dawn on my 3SG rank was the moment I understood two key factors that led me to accomplishing my aspirations - determination and passion.
Just like what Thomas Jefferson said, "Nothing can stop the man with the right mental attitude from achieving his goal; nothing on earth can help the man with the wrong mental attitude." The opportunities in military have completely changed my mentality. I sincerely believe nothing can stop me from achieving my goals as long as I set my mind to it. In addition I found out that it is important to have passion for what you do, as with passion comes great perseverance. If you do not love what you do, it is very difficult to succeed because there is a high tendency to give up when you with hurdles.
With the major changes in personality traits, people around started to take notice. As a result, I mange to achieve some awards during army, example the "best commander of the month" award. I am proud of the accomplishments I made during my military life not because of the awards but because it reflects the amount of effort used to change myself. My military life is an important chapter of my life as it has definitely shaped the person I am today and allowed me to develop traits need in order to achieve my dreams.
However, as time passed I came to realize that the army was a good life experience that led to major changes in my personality traits.
Just like whatAs Thomas Jefferson said, "Nothing can stop the man with the right mental attitude from achieving his goal; nothing on earth can help the man with the wrong mental attitude."
Being physically weak compared to my peers, I had a hard time coping with the strenuous activities, but rather than giving up I wanted to overcome this obstacle. With a dogged determination to change, I sacrificed my precious weekends in order to attain my goals. Run on
You also use hence too much
Since military is a great environment to improve on leadership skills, I wanted I take up a leadership role---> I wanted to take up...
I think you need to put punctuation (comma) after the conjunction that you used. So people is going to read your essay :)
e.i
1. However as time passed, I came to realize...
2. In addition, I found out that it is
