Prompt: Describe the world you come from; for example, your family, clubs, school, community, city, or town. How has that world shaped your dreams and aspirations? (200-250 words)
I come from a country where everyone seeks for success, but where no one cares about the development of the society as a whole. A place where one is able to spot kids on the streets dying of hunger, and people drowning in money that pay minimal attention to their surroundings. I come from a country where buildings do not even meet the 'minimum level of safety' requirement and where the construction of low quality infrastructures has spread rapidly. I come from a world I'd like to change. I want to be able to ameliorate the issues and flaws I'm exposed to in my society. For this reason I want to study engineering, to be able to apply my mathematical and scientific abilities to seek for innovative solutions to the problems the world is presently facing.
Every morning on my way to school I'm able to spot the image of poor kids sitting in front of poorly constructed houses, some of which do not even have windows, roofs, or doors. Houses are meant to provide shelter and protection, but these houses are not even near to offering these privileges to its inhabitants. Someday I wish I could be able to stand in front of the people living on these houses and say "I'm here to help!" Studying civil engineering will make this wish a reality, as it will strengthen my skills in mathematics, science and construction, which I could use for the building of new residences and for the establishment of a new world.
I accept any kind of help! Critiques, Insults (:P), Grammar correction, redundancy corrections, Detailed corrections. Specially: Context correction and Transition of ideas correction!! THANKS a lot in advance :)
Someday I wish I could be able to stand....can be rephrased as Someday I want to stand
As i recall, this essay has a 250 word limit so you should try to be very precise.
'minimum level of safety' requirement....i think it should be requirements
I really like that you have a very personal touch to the essay!
Thanks a lot, any other suggestions is welcomed. By the way, what do you think about the transition between the 1st and second paragraph. I mean, my second paragraph is an example I wanted to give to make it more personal, but is it correctly... lets say 'introduced'? you said I should be more precise, can you further this idea? Thanks a lot!
By the way do you have any essays you want me to review?
looks a little too long be more to the point
It abides to the word limit, but thanks a lot for the tip :). Any suggestions on How could get more to the point?
As far as transition is concerned I think you can give a heads up in the end of the first para that you are going to talk about your own country now instead of the world cause at the end you state that the world is facing problems and then you immediately jump to your own place. So i think mentioning that before hand would smoothen out the transition little bit.
Yeah can you please read my 2 essays. One on Northwestern and the other on Harvey Mudd! Thanks alot!
I was born and raised in a country where everyone has a desire to succeed. However, this country of mine kids are on street sides dying from hunger, and poverty has consumed street corners. Fear devours me everytime I step into buildings, because the thought of it crumbling at any moment due to low quality infrastructures.
I come from a world where I dream of ameliorating the issues and flaws I'm exposed to in my society. Which is the reason I want to study engineering. I have dreams of applying my mathematical and scientific abilities to bring about solutions to the problems my world is presently facing.
Every morning on my way to school I'm able to spot the image of poor kids sitting in front of poorly constructed houses, some of which do not even have windows, roofs, or doors. Houses are meant to provide shelter and protection, but these houses are not even near to offering these privileges to its inhabitants. Someday I wish I could be able to stand in front of the people living on these houses and say "I'm here to help!" Studying civil engineering will make this wish a reality, as it will strengthen my skills in mathematics, science and construction, which I could use for the building of new residences and for the establishment of a new world.
I accept any kind of help! Critiques, Insults (:P), Grammar correction, redundancy corrections, Detailed corrections. Specially: Context correction and Transition of ideas correction!! THANKS a lot in advance :)
I kind of re-did the first two paragraphs, but I like where you are headed. If you would like for me to continue revising your essay just tell =]
Jen_rhymesw_Ten
I was born and raised in a country where everyone has a desire to succeed. However, no one seems to care about the development of the society as a whole. Poverty has consumed the entire country, and the street corners are filled with kids dying from hunger. Furthermore, the construction of low quality infrastructures has spread rapidly in my country. It is inevitable to feel fear each time you enter a building, because most do not even meet the 'minimum level of safety' requirements and the thought of it crumbling down consumes you. People seem to pay minimal attention to this issue, as they are blinded with attaining their own personal goals, but something has to be done.
I dream of ameliorating the issues and flaws I'm exposed to in my society. Which is the reason I want to study engineering. I have dreams of applying my mathematical and scientific abilities to bring about solutions to the problems my country and the world are presently facing.
Every morning on my way to school I'm able to spot the image of poor kids sitting in front of poorly constructed houses, some of which do not even have windows, roofs, or doors. Houses are meant to provide shelter and protection, but these houses are not even near to offering these privileges to its inhabitants. Someday I want to stand in front of the people living on these houses and say "I'm here to help!" Studying civil engineering will make this wish a reality, as it will strengthen my skills in mathematics, science, and construction, which I could use for the building of new residences and for the establishment of a new world.
That's my new draft, I followed your advise and added some other things. IT has 280 words and he limit is 250. Any suggestions ? Thanks a lot by the way :)!
