Heres the essay. PLease dont leave out any advice or criticism. and reply soon. And also, i need a title, and would love a suggestion. Please highlight all my grammatical errors. Its 1057 words.. I know its alil too long, so please tell me which parts i can leave out.
Essay:
When I was in 3rd grade I did the most impulsive and yet the most worthful act of my life. As I was leaving our classroom one day, I saw a girl just ahead of me. She was from section B of my class. There was something very pleasing and inviting about her. I just knew that I wanted to befriend her. She saw me looking at her and smiled. And then I don't know what came over me, but, I simply walked up to her and said, "Will you be my friend?" The very next moment, I realized how peculiar I must have sounded to her. But, still smiling, she immediately responded by extending her right hand saying, "Hi, my name is Inara. What's yours?" That was how I met the most inspiring person in my life.
Our friendship grew stronger and deeper over the years as we continued our education together. Some of my classmates found her to be a little too inquisitive but that was just her way of trying to help. Most others however found her to be ever caring and ever joyful. Everybody knew her as the sweet, friendly, helpful girl she was. But I knew that there was much more to her than that. She bore a pain that none of us knew.
She had lost her mother at the age of 3 and then been abandoned by her father. It was her maternal grandparents who took her in and even though they tried their best to never let her feel the absence of her parents, as they got older it became harder and harder to do so. Throughout her life, they had provided for her with the little income they managed to earn and in later years from their much valued retirement fund. But soon their savings dwindled down and it became very difficult for them to support her.
I'll never forget that afternoon at school when Inara had told me over lunch that her grandparents had started to look for suitable grooms for her and were themselves going to move in with her only uncle. This uncle who detested her was completely unwilling to take any responsibility for her. He was even inhumane enough to blatantly state that he saw her as nothing more than a burden left by his dead sister.
I could not accept it. In a third world country like Bangladesh, the practice of early marriage for girls is quite common in villages and among people of the less educated, lower social class. To them, the only purpose of women in life is to cook, clean and reproduce. Their limited knowledge forces them to view girls as an inconvenience meant to be married off as soon as possible. But the idea of my childhood friend from quite a learned family, suddenly being stripped of her rights, her education and her future at the mere age of sixteen was absolutely outrageous. How could anybody allow such a brilliant, creative and delightful mind like Inara's to be silenced and then whisked off to a life of 'supposedly' fated misery? As infuriated as I was, somehow I could not think of one reasonable way out of her situation. I attempted to imagine myself in her position only to be left overwhelmed with sympathy. I found myself shaking with fear, then anger and finally, despair. I didn't believe I could survive even one day of her life. I realized how extremely lucky I was to only have to imagine myself in her place. "If only she had her parents..." I thought.
The desperation of her grandparents due to their old age and financial hardships and the ruthlessness of her uncle did not leave her any other option than to succumb to their decision. Like countless other girls, she too could've rendered her life to an undue marriage and been forgotten like a fallen flower. The course that her life took could've become another example of what happens to promising young girls in Bangladesh when confronted by a seemingly helpless situation. But it didn't.Her determination and courage caused her to become the strong independent woman she is today. She refused to be dominated by her own flesh and blood and grasped the controls of her life. She put forth her best efforts and managed to get a job as a full time elementary school teacher. Aside from that, she started tutoring three other students privately. Although these endeavors did not leave her much time for proper schooling, it gave her an income to live by and accommodation at her uncle's house as long as he didn't have to spend on her. She continued her education by going to private coaching centers that held evening and night classes. By defying their decision she became a pioneer for the kind of change that is much needed in a conservative country like Bangladesh.
It might be difficult to believe but even though it was Inara who went through these troubles, I felt them with her and experienced them through her. She taught me lessons that no amount of reading and writing could ever accomplish. There were things that I knew before but never truly understood. People that I loved but never really appreciated. Now I did. I learned to be grateful for my loving parents and recognize all the wonderful privileges of my life. I might have excused the impoverished population of Bangladesh for their misconception about women by saying that it was their circumstances and lack of education that caused them to think so, but in a way I was no different from them until Inara took a step and opened my eyes. Yes, I was more aware and better educated than them. But like them, I too had never bothered to question the conventions of life. My mind had been confined by the norms of life; bound by the rules of society. Inara set it free. I know now that despite all the pain, hopelessness and powerlessness that we may feel in any dreadful point in our lives, giving up would only exhibit our cowardice. There is always a means to resolve a problem, however unconventional the solution may be. I strive to be as independent and responsible as her someday. Maybe then I can call myself a true human being.
This essay is very well written and it develops very nicely into a thoughtful, meaningful essay.
When I was in third grade, I did the most impulsive and ...
One day, as I was leaving my classroom, I saw a girl just ahead of me. There was something very curious (inviting?) and enticing about her.
... too inquisitive but that was just her way of trying to help others. Nontheless, most of my fellow students found ...
... sweet and friendly girl she was. However,she bore a pain that none of us knew.
... as they got older it became more difficultto do so. Throughout her life, her grandparents had provided for her with the little income they managed to earn, and in later years, from their much ...
But the idea of my childhood friend from quite a learned familyI don't know what you were trying to say here), suddenly being stripped of ...
But it didn't.<--need a space hereHer determination and courage caused her ...
I feel like you talk too much about how sucessful she is now. It almost made me feel like I wanted to accept HER into the university, completely forgetting that you are the one that this essay should be focused on. All greay until this paragraph. I would brifely explain her accomplishments in one or two sentences
There were things that I knew before but never truly understood; People that I loved ...
... caused them to think so, but in a way, I was no different from them until Inara ...
Great essay, very moving, but I would cut done the details a lot. I got a bit lazy at the end I won't lie. But the last few paragraphs need to be cut down and shortened so the essay is around 600 words and no more than 700.
Good luck!
