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"My cousin" - Who or what influenced you to apply to Syracuse University?


tanyasilva11 10 / 38  
Dec 26, 2010   #1
My cousin is currently a freshman at Syracuse University, and her love for this school is the reason that I began to look into SU. I can see that attending Syracuse University has had an enormous positive impact on her. When speaking of Syracuse she speaks with admiration and love for the university. Based on my cousin's opinion and my own research, I can tell that SU is the perfect school for me. I believe Syracuse can challenge me academically, yet fulfill my social needs through its vast selection of student organizations and campus events. One aspect of SU that makes it so appealing is the amount of school spirit the students have. Coming from a high school that is known for its "Charger Freak Show" school spirit, it is very important for me to attend a university that follows that same mentality. Prior to my research on Syracuse, the only thing I associated with the university was its lacrosse team. Being a lacrosse player myself, I have a special respect and love for the sport, so I am very excited to potentially attend a school with such a successful lacrosse team. Syracuse University has the perfect blend of academics and extracurricular activities, which is exactly why this school is perfect for me to complete my undergraduate studies.

Any feedback/criticisms would be appreciated.
Thank You!
ivygirl22 2 / 12  
Dec 26, 2010   #2
its well written i dont see that many errors except that i dont think you need a comma after positive
Aflowers12 2 / 4  
Dec 26, 2010   #3
I liked the first essay more. the second one talk more about your cousin loving Syracuse University. The first gave us clue to why she liked it but it also showed why you want to go there make the essay more about your love for Syracuse
nikamonster 9 / 38  
Dec 26, 2010   #4
When speaking of Syracuse she speaks with admiration and love for the university. She truly seems to love Syracuse. [what's in red seems redundant and i wouldn't use speak/speaking twice. i'd change it to something like "when relating to me stories of Syracuse, she speaks with admiration and love for the university" but it's personal preference]

Based on my cousin' s opinions and my own research, I can tell that I would fit right in at SU.

overall, i like it. i think you ended a little abruptly.
also, i think i might convey your cousin's role a little differently. i would start out by saying that she is the reason you begin looking into SU, but after your own research you realized that it would be perfect for you. that way, it comes off less as if you're going because of her, though the rest of your essay does a good job of showing that already, i would say that just to be clear. once again, it may just be me.

good luck!
lanes 5 / 33  
Dec 26, 2010   #5
I think you spoke about your cousin more then you did about yourself. The question is about YOU why don't you try changing the beginning, talk about your opinion of syracuse, then weave your cousin in and her comparison between florida and syracuse. They want to hear more about you, not someone who goes there already
OP tanyasilva11 10 / 38  
Dec 26, 2010   #6
well the question is asking WHO influenced my decision to apply to syracuse. In the first paragraph i posted I know I spoke too much about my cousin, but I think the last one I posted had a good mixture of my cousin and why I want to apply there.
OP tanyasilva11 10 / 38  
Dec 27, 2010   #7
PLEASE PROVIDE ANY FEEDBACK/CRITICISM AS YOU CAN!
THANK YOU! ILL RETURN THE FAVOR :)
mrrunningforfun 2 / 5  
Dec 27, 2010   #8
I can see that attending Syracuse University has had an enormous positive impact on her.
I would elaborate on this "impact."

Based on my cousin's opinion and my own research, I can tell that SU is the perfect school for me.

I would omit this part of the sentence and think of something a bit more substantial.

Prior to my research on Syracuse, the only thing I associated with the university was its lacrosse team.
Research is vague.

Syracuse University has the perfect blend of academics and extracurricular activities, which is exactly why this school is perfect for me to complete my undergraduate studies.

I would end with something more meaningful...this ending, for lack of better words is too "nice."
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Jan 9, 2011   #9
a strong, independent, and successful

Not specific enough. I really could not find room to criticize your excellent first essay, but in this second one you get a weak start by being so vague. Those adjectives are the kind used by people who have not thought enough about law to have a well-developed philosophy about it...

Aw i continue to read that second essay, I don't see any substance. You should mention the articles and books you have read as the result of your interest, and you should mention your own opinions... the values you will stand for as a practitioner of law and IR. Show what you are all about. :-)


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