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"My cozy blue chair" my Notre Dame Essay and my Rochester essay


alexis brandon 17 / 44  
Dec 30, 2010   #1
The Essay Question
The Grotto is a cherished destination on Notre Dame's campus, a space that invites students and visitors to pray and take time for reflection. Do you have a place that you seek out, and what do you contemplate there?

My Essay
The sun has yet to rise and I am stationed in the cozy school library, clandestinely hidden among the maze of bookshelves. Two chairs sit idle beside each other, one a haggard looking blue bean bag chair and the other a mildly uncomfortable blue gaming chair. My nook, rooted against the emergency exit, the one that continuously blows in cold winter air, is where my thoughts consume me. I was victorious in my last tennis match, success. I have yet to paint all of my bedroom walls, failure. Can I every truly accomplish my goals? I don't know. I suppose an overall completion would depend upon whether I continuously instigate new goals. this part is a little unclear and out of place in my opinion Subsequently, gazing upward, I appraise the novels shelved above me in the young adult fiction domain-then, however, another shiver coerces me to question why I consistently forget to wear a coat.

The prompt
Meliora: 'Ever better' - The University's motto, Meliora, directs our focus toward continual improvement through research, understanding, and collaborative efforts. Offer and example from your personal experience of an obstacle you faced or a problem you identified. Describe the actions you took and the result.

My Essay
I have encountered many obstacles that have caused me to stumble, however, I have never faced such a challenge as facial recognition quizzes in my Comparative Government class. Such quizzes consisted of multiple smudged black and white photographs of representatives past and present jammed together on a page with the only instruction being to identify each blob correctly. This task might not have seemed so taxing if the only representative's I was required to know was the President and Vice President, however that was not the case. I was also required to know supplementary representatives and presidential candidates. Ultimately, to overcome my profiling challenges I not only created a powerpoint of pictures and a list of identifying features for each leader but I also consulted my teacher on my photograph choices.
Anonymoussenior 17 / 133  
Dec 30, 2010   #2
favored seating preference . we know it is your preference if it is your favored seating.

the one that continuously blows the winter's biting breeze- cut out

which continuously blows cold air

contemplate my success...

what I hope my future triumphs to be.

the coat part is cute but I would do some editing on the success and failures you listed. I don't know. You could make it more powerful and you if you edit it. The operating room seems kind of throne in there along with your other thoughts which makes sense but they could flow a little better.

Rochester:

; before however

I have never faced a challenge as difficult or taxing or tedious as...

to know were

again ; before however

comma after challenges

comma after leader

I liked them both please read my essays
OP alexis brandon 17 / 44  
Dec 30, 2010   #3
I'll read yours
Anyone? It's really short and I promise to read yours. Please
simardownn - / 20  
Dec 30, 2010   #4
You don't have to mention my haven, the library.

Readers already know that.

Also, make it more personal. Like instead of saying that you went to the hospital for an operation (you could easily list this in the ECs), make it more meaningful, more emotional.

Really liked the ending w/ the shiver coat thing. Maybe instead of neglect. Make it forget add some persona maybe?

Right now, it seems like your listing the problem for number two. Add some emotion to it! Bring the reader into the situation.

Your vocab is fantastic!

Good luck! Look at mine? The re-edited post.
simardownn - / 20  
Dec 30, 2010   #5
Sorry, I didn't mention this before but I am confused as to how you are trying to use the word clandestine. Maybe you meant: Clandestinely hidden among the maze of bookshelves, I find my niche.

Walking through the cozy school library , the sun has yet to rise as I head directly towards my favorite nookYou already said you were walking why mention it again?consisting of a haggard looking blue bean bag chair and a mildly uncomfortable blue gaming chair. There, seated against the emergency exit, the one that continuously blows the cold winter air;,I contemplate my successes, failures, and what I hope my future triumphs to be . I think you could let the leaders learn that you are going to tak about your succeses and failure as you say succes, failure... Here, you can add something like. my thoughts consume me. With this brevity, you can add another one of your thoughts later on. I was victorious in my last tennis match, success. It was a doubles match.Don't state this after the fact you have already mentioned the success part I have yet to paint all of my bedroom walls, failure, but it makes an excellent accent wallSame as above you alredy mentioned it was a failure. Gazing upward, I ponder the newly released novels shelved above me in the young adult fiction domain-then, however, another shiver causesmakes me to question why I consistently forget to wear a coat!.

With more of the stuff cut out, you can add another thoughtful example. I LOOVED the way you introduced you ending w/ the exit door! It really connected!
R1993 3 / 2  
Dec 30, 2010   #6
By creating a PowerPoint presentation with pictures and identifying features for each leader I can adamantlyadroitlystateidentify Hu Jintao is identifiable by his wire rimmed glasses, and Lenin byhadhisa moustache and a goatee. AfF acial recognition assessments can no longer hinder me.
Anonymoussenior 17 / 133  
Dec 30, 2010   #7
comma after rise
i am all ready stationed

looking blue bean bag chair and the other a mildly - put a comma where and was

the emergency exit, the one that
change to - the emergency exit that ...

Take out that part you just added in red it does not fit

I appraise the novels shelved above me inof the young adult fiction domain

then, however, another - pick one not all here

i say go with another

shiver coerces - nice personification but coersion has a negative conotation maybe go with: causes me to remember that i never bring my coat or something of that nature.

read mine please
TheFreeMason11 6 / 54  
Dec 30, 2010   #8
If I was you, I would talk a little bit more about why you choose that spot. I kinda want to know why you seek out a dingy blue chair in a cold corner of the library when most people would go to a comfortable place to think. That is, if you still have some room left. Other than that, I am not a fan of this:

I was victorious in my last tennis match, success. I have yet to paint all of my bedroom walls, failure.

It seems quite out of place and doesn't give me a good look into the way you think.

Good luck!
OP alexis brandon 17 / 44  
Dec 30, 2010   #9
The sun has yet to rise, and ...

Better? Is there anything else I should elaborate on?
brittw 1 / 21  
Dec 30, 2010   #10
I was victorious in my last tennis match and have yet to paint my bedroom walls. change "and" to "but"

Then, gazing upward, I appraise the novels shelved before me in the young adult fiction domain-however, my concentration is broken when a shiver sweeps across my body and I question why I consistently forget to wear a coat.

overall, really good essay! please look at my nd one :)


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